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Why do some wives like their hair pulled?

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Jay Dee

Why do some wives like their hair pulled?

Jan 15, 2014

This is a question that confuses some husbands, and some wives as well, including those who like their hair pulled.  They wonder why they like it.  They didn’t like it growing up when their siblings pulled their hair, and in any other circumstance it’s not

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Hair pulling

This is a question that confuses some husbands, and some wives as well, including those who like their hair pulled.  They wonder why they like it.  They didn’t like it growing up when their siblings pulled their hair, and in any other circumstance it’s not pleasurable, so why does it seem like such a turn on during sex?  In fact, a survey conducted by Men’s Health listed hair pulling as the third most desired aggressive move in bed by women.  So, what’s going on?

Physiological Reason

One possible reason (there isn’t a lot of research on this that I can find) is that pulling on hair in turn tugs on hair follicles, which in turn stimulates the nerve endings at the back of the hair/neck.  There are quite a few nerve endings there which is why having your scalp massaged feels so good.  If done right, this can end up being quite a pleasurable sensation.

As well, the nerve centers related to pain and tension and the nerve centers for pleasure are very similar, and, particularly in the female brain, the response in a brain scan for pain and pleasure (particularly when approaching or during orgasm) are extremely similar.

There is also something called the Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response (ASMR), which is best described as a tickle in your brain.  It is set off, in some people, by whispering, rhythmic sounds, tapping or striking (which is a reason spanking might be considered pleasurable by some).  Some of you might know the feeling as then response you get to having a hair cut, as that seems to be a common trigger.  It’s sort of like a tingling that happens and runs down your spine.  Not enough to make you shiver, but just enough to make your nerves all light up.   People experience this feeling when getting massages, haircuts, listening to a whispered conversation, and a host of other things.  This same response might be triggered by having your hair pulled as it stimulates the hair follicles in a similar manner as getting a hair cut.  Combine this with arousal, and it’s an incredible, almost indescribable feeling, which is why some women can’t quite tell you why they like it…just that they do.  In fact, some of them are quite worried that they like it, but that may be for the psychological reasons as well.

Psychological Reason

The psychological response for why hair pulling is desired, and is a lot easier to guess at.  Hair pulling is a dominant act, akin to pinning someone down or tying them up.  It is a controlling action and many women are turned on simply by that fact alone.  As I discussed in My wife wants me to tie her up?!, many women are incredibly turned on by being dominated.  For many it’s an odd sort of juxtaposition:  Most women say that the number one thing they want to feel is safe and secure, but at the same time, they want their control taken away, at last some of the time.  This could be for a variety of reasons.

Some are required to be in control so much of their life, with kids, management jobs, C-level executive positions, that to have some moments where control is taken away, when someone else is calling the shots, is a relief, in fact, it can be arousing and exciting.  The hair pulling is just symbolic more than anything else in cases like these.  Others desire to be lead in a world that abhors this hierarchy of gender roles: men leading/dominating and women following/submitting, and doing so in the bedroom is “safe” because it is behind closed doors and no one is around to make comments.

Now, in one of our surveys, we found out that twice as many women want this rougher type of sex than men.  So it’s also possible that they are tired of the beta-ized version of males that society has been trying to pump out for the last few decades and are really wanting a big strong masculine husband to grab her by the hair and have his way with her (in a consenting, married sort of way, of course).  I know when we started questioning gender dynamics in our marriage, my wife told me that I needed to start asking for sex less and just “do” her sometimes.  Turns out this is a fairly common complaint among wives.

How to pull hair correctly

So, now you know the reasons, so how do you do it?  I mean, this isn’t grade school hair pulling.  You aren’t actually trying to hurt them, and they’ve already married you, so you don’t need to to it to get their attention.  Now, there are two good ways I’ve found in my research:

The first is the easiest, this works best if your wife has long hair.  Get her to tie her hair in a braid, then, pull the braid.  You can either just hold it in your hand, or you can wrap it around your hand.  Because it’s already all gathered, it’s not going to create too much tension in one area of the head, so it shouldn’t hurt.  It should just feel like pleasant tension.

The second way is a bit harder and requires some practice to get the technique write, particularly in the moment.  It might hurt a bit the first couple of times until you get it.  I’ll see if I can describe it.  Basically you can to put your fingertips on the back of her neck and slide them up, fingertip against the scalp until your palm is off of her neck.  Everything under your palm should be skin where hair grows.  So, your fingers should be fairly surrounded with hair.  Turn your wrist slightly (like when doing a very subtle “royal wave”) and then grab.  Ideally, you should have each finger interlaced in within her hair.  You should have a fair bit of it, so, again, no individual hair or piece is under too much tension causing pain.  Sometimes you can just get it wrong and end up pulling the little short hairs at the top of the neck though, and that can hurt.  If you did, try moving up higher next time.  Now, try to keep the tension downward, not up, as that will pull wrong and cause really irritating pain.

Now, both of these work really well when just kissing, or having sex doggy style.  You can use it during missionary, but it’s harder to keep your balance and hold yourself up with one hand (don’t hold yourself up with the hand holding the hair, it hurts).

Some things to keep in mind:  Don’t just go pulling her hair randomly.  Wait until she’s pretty worked up.  The more aroused she is, the more arousing it will be.  If your wife has been sexually abused in the past, be very careful with this, definitely talk about it first and go slow.  For the others, gauge for yourself if you need to have a discussion first.  Some couples prefer to talk every new activity over, others like to be surprised.

Oh, and don’t you dare ask every 5 minutes if you are hurting her, you’ll completely ruin it.  If it hurts, she’ll tell you…or maybe she won’t because she wants it to, as I said, those pain and pleasure circuits are pretty closely tied.  Oh, and if you bring up the topic and your wife seems interested and intrigued, or if she hands or send you this post and the next time you’re having sex doggy style, she flips her braid over her shoulder so that it is within reach: that’s probably a not-too-subtle hint.  Don’t spent time trying to figure out if she wants you to or not, and don’t ask if that’s what she wants.

Your Turn

Do you incorporate hair pulling in your marriage?  Why does it work for you?

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100 thoughts on “Why do some wives like their hair pulled?”

  1. Conroy Dennis says:

    Great article. Woman love to be dominated by their husbands, especially in the bedroom. Society has taught us that it’s not politically correct for a man to dominate a woman. But every woman, especially if she’s married, desire for her husband to be a strong, dominate, take charge man. Dominance is a source of strength, and woman love a man’s strength. A man’s strength makes a woman feel protected and loved, just as her daddy did her as a child.
    So men, if you want great sex, dominate you wife. Let her know that you’re in charge, and she’ll absolutely love it. Dominating her is not in, any form, or fashion misusing her, or abusing her. Dominating her is simply being the Man that’s in charge!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks Conroy,

      I agree, women seem to like dominant men more, and even more so as time progresses, as men are becoming less and less dominant with each year.

      1. JR says:

        Seems to me there is a bit of projection going on here. One size does NOT fit all.

        I am certainly not a “beta” male (6’2″ 250 lb weightlifter in leadership roles both in business and the church) and my DW (who was a stay-at-home mom) would strike you as a very typically feminine woman. In the bedroom, however, she enjoys being more aggressive and “dominant” whereas I am the one who likes my hair pulled, tied up, etc.

        The genders ARE different but sometimes people make assumptions about those differences that have more to do with their personal preferences than actual created differences.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          Hi JR,

          Sorry if you were offended. It was not my intent. In fact, I did not address your particular situation at all (which seems to be that the wife is dominant and the husband submissive, from your description). I was addressing a different subset of the population: women who like having their hair pulled during sex, of which your wife does not seem to fit within.

          I’m not projecting anything here, this was not a comment your marriage, and in truth, had nothing to do with any marriage resembling yours. I think you may have extended the discussion beyond the intended bounds.

          Now, I agree, genders ARE different, I do my best to be gender neutral here, but sometimes it’s not possible, and this time I just couldn’t see a clear way to do it.

          As for your physical stature and being “beta” or not…in my mind, it has much less to do with height, weight, fitness, wealth, ministry or profession, and much more to do with how you handle yourself within the relationship. Nothing you have said gives anyone enough information either way.

          Thanks for commenting. Enjoying the discussions.

          1. JR says:

            No offense taken on my part. However, both you and Conroy made the generalization that “women prefer dominant men in the bedroom”. I was simply showing that this generalization is not necessarily true.

            If you want proof of my “man card” outside the bedroom, I guess you’ll have to talk to my DW. Let me know if you want her email address. 🙂

          2. Beryl says:

            Jay Dee,
            Jr made a valid point, at which you seem to have been offended. He has a right to his opinion, is it true? Each of us does. As a grown man, you should be aware that just like men, women should not be lumped into one pile. All, many, of us do not like or approve of the trend towards domination during sex. I have spoken with too many females who only desire and want to reach that illusive orgasm, but because of selfish partners, or other circumstances, are not most times able to achieve.

            Further, the act of pulling the hair provides nothing towards sexual satisfaction for a woman, just as giving him oral sex doesn’t. It’s because of women developing low self esteem around men, thus, the doing what we thinks he wants, even when those acts are painful, awkward, uncomfortable, and humiliating, to us. Yes many of us as, women are that way, when it comes to men.

            You see we have traits like being too agreeable, too “man pleasing” and wanting him so desperately to accept us, and to be with us. Our traits can cause us as women to accept a lot of unfair and outrageous things done to us.

            Do a poll/ survey, of a cross section of women, and ask them, what they think about hair pulling during sex. You will see what I’m telling you.

            1. Jay Dee says:

              I’m not offended in the least. I was merely clarifying my position.
              But, I think many women would argue with you that pulling hair or giving oral sex provides nothing towards sexual satisfaction for a woman.
              I find it odd that you’re asking me to do a survey on hair pulling when in the first paragraph of the post, I said that there was already a survey done, and women are saying that they like to have their hair pulled. Am I missing something else you want to ask in a survey? Exactly what question would you ask?

              1. Anonymous says:

                Jay Dee,
                I agree with you and I agree with everyone else who values their own opinions and feelings based on this topic. It is a each to their own opinion and desire to rather like their husband, or wife being dominant in the bedroom in that sort of way. I myself like the dominance of hair pulling and being rough….exactly what you have included in your article, I personally as a woman am that way. I want to add a few things. Firstly, I was sexually abused as a young preteen for 2 years and have not so much overcome that with much older men, but with my husband I do not feel in anyway unsafe or violated because of my past. If I did….then why would I have married him with such distrust and a feeling of insecurity or lack of protection. My question would be how could a women or man marry someone if they feel uncomfortable in an intimate level and do not trust them?? How unfair to yourself and your spouse if that is the case….why get married until you can seek help in that area to release the bondage from that pain. And, I personally feel when it comes to dominance in the bedroom with me and my spouse, we both switch it up on whose dominant…we both are at times. As for the being dominated in acts of hair pulling etc., I vary on that. It all boils down to foreplay, horomones changing throughout the month and like you said….sometimes I would like to just be taken, swooped up and do me! There you have it. Everyone needs to really re-read the post…..in no way was it intended to offend anyone. He was basically going off of research, survey and someone’s question on that topic in regards to just the female species. Get your undies untwisted

            2. cori says:

              Simply untrue. For many women acts such as hair pulling and giving oral pleasure to our partner can, and often does, indeed lead to our own orgasms. Don’t ever assume that just because a thing doesn’t ‘do it’ for you that it isn’t actually quite common for it to be looked at as top notch for others.

        2. Robyn says:

          At the risk of repeating what JD has said, being big and strong doesn’t make you an alpha or a leader. In fact even being a leader in the workforce as well as church doesn’t make you the leader in your marriage, it just means you have a degree which is required by both upper management and church staff. In fact, liking to surrender sexually, in your home — the environment where it is the safest to be yourself suggests that you are a beta masquerading as an alpha by day.

          1. Dan says:

            Well SR, is it possible that some men’s desires or fantasies of being dominated, if only a little bit, by a woman is a misinterpretation of what is really being desired? Is what they want not so much domination, but for the woman to take a more passionate role. Perhaps the men don’t want to be dominated as much as to be ravished my a focused, desiring female. Most women are pretty passive when it come to really aggressive passion. Maybe when a guy finds someone willing to go there, he accepts a little femdom with it to keep her interest and keep the passion at the level he desires. If letting her tie your hands or you to the bed and blindfold you gets her motor running in high gear and it isn’t causing you any anxiety, why not role play with her and go along with it. Beta shmeta. Even an alpha should see this as a way to put more fuel on the fire.

            When you realize bondage isn’t about someone else gaining control over you, but your rejecting personal control and gaining freedom, you’re on your way to some really interesting, passionate foreplay and sex. Having your hair pulled is much the same thing. He is able to do it because you submit to it. You free your mind from control of your personal safety and well-being and place it in the trusted hands of another. You are taking a responsibility vacation. you are no longer involved in rejecting or limiting pleasure in your life. That vulnerability creates mild anxiety and resulting in excitement, like on a roller coaster ride. No “real” danger exists, but there is the anticipation that the “ride” it will go beyond the limits you have set and you will be overwhelmed with stimulation and pleasure. Keep your hands and arms confined to the car and let the bar across your legs hold you securely in place. Is your pulse and breathing rate up now? Mine is. 😉 In the enshrined words of Laugh In, now Sock It To Me! See how easily that worked? Beta or alpha, who would blow that off?

            1. Robyn says:

              Hey BD, I think I could get “buy-in” to your theory if I could just find a place where Jesus actively exchanged His headship and authority over His church and submitted to Her, forcing Her to dominate (be in control, be the leader – whatever word you want to use; they all mean the same thing). Now that’s not to say that a wife can’t ‘adapt’ to her husband, after all that is what we are commanded to do, right? Sarah (of Sarah & Abraham) was held up, by God, as a shining example of submission. She adapted herself to Abraham’s “desires” because that’s what he wanted her to do, by lying for him … 2X; didn’t make it right.

              1. Dan says:

                So you think that I am advocating is that the man abdicate his role as leader and authority figure and that what I am suggesting as a role play model may be “forcing” his wife to assume a role she may/does not desire?

                Is that correct or have I misinterpreted your comment? I don’t mean to be suggesting something unbiblical here. What I had in my head when I wrote this was not a scenario where the husband adopts a submissive lifestyle within the marriage, but a variation to be played out in the “bedroom” for their mutual pleasure for whatever reason pleased them. I would not continue a situation like this with a wife who didn’t see it the same way. If she did, she would not be respectful of her husband. Do you see this as totally unbilical for all, or permissible but something to be cautious in exercising. I feel like I have either misrepresented my intent (poor presentation) or have not considered some critical element. In no way do I advocate men assume a submissive character, but only a role for play in which his wife understands it is only that and nothing more. At the end of the day, she accepts, desires, respect and submits to his authority. I feel what you really are saying here is in you biblical opinion, even in “play” this crosses a line you do not feel should be crossed. No wives tying up husbands. Correct, or am I missing your point?

                1. Robyn says:

                  If husbands and wives can/want to ‘play’ dom/sub inside the bedroom then they can play it in other areas of their marriage as well. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a submissive in a marriage; just know who you are that’s all. True alpha’s don’t exchange leadership (dominance) because it’s not a cap they put on and off at will – it’s the essence of their being.

                  1. Dan says:

                    SR

                    How graciously and gently you disagree. All the while showing me respect as you stand your ground and provide me the opportunity to save face even though you obviously feel I am grievously in error and definitely not on biblical ground in my opinion.

                    Mercy and grace. No wonder I like you.

                    BD

                    1. Robyn says:

                      Ditto back to you my brother.

                  2. Dan says:

                    You don’t get to pull my hair then. 🙂

      2. Conroy Dennis says:

        So true! Even on sitcoms on tv, the men take on a more of a passive role, while the woman appears as a dominate figure. We have to understand that God made man in charge! How could a woman follow a man who doesn’t know his proper role in a marriage? Thanks for the article!

        1. JR says:

          Actually, the bible says that woman was created as an “equal partner” (the most accurate translation of ezer kenegdo) in Genesis 2:18. There is nowhere in scripture where men are told to be “in charge” or to “rule” over their wives, unless you include the command of King Xerxes in Esther 1:22. “Head” (kephale) in Ephesians does not mean “man in charge” (see Ephesians 4:15-16). To interpret “head” as meaning “main in charge” makes Jesus subordinate to God the Father (1 Corinthians 11:3), which is a heresy known as Arianism.

          1. Jay Dee says:

            Equal in value: no doubt. Equal in role: big doubt. That seems contrary to the entirety of the Bible. Specifically:
            1 Timothy 2:12
            Colossians 3:18
            1 Peter 3:1-7
            Ephesians 5:22-33 (unless you deny that the church submits to Christ)
            1 Corinthians 11:3-10
            Genesis 3:16

            As for Christ being subordinate to the Father (again, not in value or type of being, but in role) …What do you do with:
            Philippians 2:5-8
            John 14:28
            Mark 14:36
            Luke 22:27
            John 5:19
            John 6:38
            Luke 4:18
            Matthew 20:23
            for starters

            1. JR says:

              Wow, that’s a wall of proof texts you have there. I doubt you expect or want me to respond to each one. Each one would take a blog post to truly respond. There seems to be a bit of eisegesis going on here, as well as ignoring cultural context. As I’ve mentioned before, wifely submission was intended at the time to help Christians avoid unnecessary conflict with the very male dominated Greco-Roman culture they were trying to reach with the Gospel. (see Titus 2:5) Paul’s teaching in Eph 5 did not establish marital hierarchy where it did not exist, but radically loosened the hierarchy that was established already by Aristotle in Greco-Roman society. There’s lots of other cultural context in 1 Timothy and 1 Corinthians that you’re ignoring too, but there just isn’t space in the comments to get into all that. I encourage you to do some research.

              In terms of Christ’s submission to the Father, orthodoxy states that this was a willful and temporary submission, in the same way that He temporarily surrendered His omniscience, omnipotence, etc. That is quite different than being permanently subordinate in the way that you say women should be.

              1. Jay Dee says:

                I disagree with the whole Greco-Roman culture argument purely on the basis that Biblical submission is apparent in the entire Bible, not just during the Greco-Roman era.

                Furthermore, I’m not sure how you can argue Christ’s submission is temporary. 1 Corinthians 11:3 clearly states that God is the head of Christ after His ascension. Further, John Chapter 1 tells us that God the Father created everything through the Word (Jesus). This, to me, would appear to be hierarchical. Matthew 20:20-23 seems to indicate that Christ would continue to submit to the Father after “in thy (Christ’s) kingdom”. This seems to argue that both past and future (present to Christ’s human life is obvious) that Christ submits to the Father.

                But, that said, I don’t believe “women” should be subordinate to “men” permanently. Just wives to their husbands, while they are married.

                1. JR says:

                  Slavery is apparent and acceptable throughout the entire Bible, too. That doesn’t mean we still practice it.

                  Neither of us are going to change each other’s position, so I’ll leave this debate here. It’s your blog, after all.

                  1. Jay Dee says:

                    Often I find that this is often where arguments against biblical submission go, whether talking about submitting to God or wives to their husbands: equating it with slavery.

          2. Robyn says:

            I’ve never read that ezer kenedgo means equal or equality. If she were created in equality of role her role would not be needed and therefore be redundant. As I understand it God specifically used these to make a point of how important Eve was to Adam – not his equal but rather a power that he would need to fulfill his role.

            1. JR says:

              Ezer is a Hebrew word that means “Helper”. It is most often used in the context of God being Israel’s “Helper”. Therefore, it cannot be understood to imply a lesser “assistant” the way we use “helper” in English.

              Kenegdo implies a mirror image, or perfect compliment. Again, no hierarchy is implied by this word.

              1. Robyn says:

                The English rendering doesn’t capture the connation. Ezer is who Israel depended on for saving. Not to mean that a wife ‘saves’ a husband. God was Israel’s ezer … her lifesaver … power to save. There is only one being in all of creation that God has given this type of power to; that of a wife. She is the one that has the power to lift up or put down. Kenegdo is to mirror; but a mirror doesn’t compliment … it reflects.
                –not equality – but the perfection of hierarchy

                1. JR says:

                  That’s a pretty strained interpretation there. I’m not sure that would pass muster in seminary. But as Dennis Miller used to say: That’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.

                  1. Robyn says:

                    AWW, it makes me sad that you resorted to such tactics JR. When all else fails, pull out the degree of seminary. I would certainly never level myself with Jesus, but it is the same tactic used by the religiously educated in Jesus day. Bless you in your walk anyway.

        2. Jay Dee says:

          I agree. And, in the Bible, it appears every time a wife leads her husband, disaster strikes.

          1. Beryl says:

            Give an example of a time when a wife leads her husband, disaster strikes.

            1. Jay Dee says:

              Adam and Eve.

              1. Anonymous says:

                I’m not sure that the act that allowed mankind to come into existence and for God’s plan of salvation to begin could be called a disaster.

                1. Jay Dee says:

                  I’m not sure what you mean by that.
                  1) Mankind already exists…if it didn’t, then Adam and Eve couldn’t have existed. If you mean childbirth, there’s no biblical evidence to suggest that they would not have had children, only that there would not have been pain during childbirth. In fact, the whole “man shall leave his father and mother…” passage comes prior to the fall, so it seems there was already an assumption that there would be mother’s and fathers. Then again, that’s a narrative by Moses well after the fact, so I think I’ll just leave it as no evidence.
                  2) Without the fall, there would not have been a need for a plan of salvation. At least, not for mankind, though the universe still needed fixing.

                  1. Anonymous says:

                    Oh sorry, I forget that you feel into the category of people who believe that the bible is the only source of scripture that God has given us, my bad for forgetting my audience. But for those of us who believe that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever and that he loves all mankind 2 Nephi 2 makes these points very clear.

                    1. Jay Dee says:

                      I’ve read much of the book of Mormon, and spent weeks studying with missionaries. The logical consistency that exists in the Bible just didn’t exist within the book of Mormon. So, yes, I do reject it as scripture, because scripture contains a logical consistency throughout. For example, this chapter also says that God cannot exist without sin, that God then is dependent on sin for His existence. Now, in the “traditional” (for lack of a better word) Christian view, God is the ultimate beginning. He preexists everything. He is The Creator.

                      However, in Mormon theology, if I understand correctly, our God is potentially merely a god, that was potentially preexisted by another earth, which had it’s own god, and he lived and died as a human (or some other mortal being), and his god created him in order to learn to be a god himself. At least that’s what I read between the lines from what the missionaries said. They didn’t like to talk about what they called “deep doctrine”. But, they were clear that God and mate (who they didn’t name), had “spirit babies”, which incarnate into us, and we are here to learn to be gods, so that we can go on to create our own Earth’s, potentially to do the same. So, it stands to reason that in that theology, the timeline, and progression of man to god, creating man to be god again, goes both ways. Thus, yes, there would always be sin, and always be God, rather multiple gods, because by now there must be an infinite amount of universes with an infinite amount of gods. And so, then “God” isn’t really the creator, he’s just another being further along the path than us, and not really worthy of worship in my mind. And that’s one (of many) reason I reject the book of Mormon, because it makes God just another guy who was given superpowers by yet another god who was just another guy who was given superpowers by yet another god, ad infinitum.

    2. Tigress says:

      Amen to that…as a wife.

    3. Anonymous says:

      There is NO way in hell any man is ever gonna dominate this womab thank you very much. So bang goes your theory that all women want their husband to dominate them

      1. Jay Dee says:

        Not all…just many.

  2. Amy says:

    This is great! I love the conversations going on here and the openness. No shame! Thank you!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      You are very welcome! Thanks for commenting.

  3. Kevin says:

    Hey Jay Dee,

    I have been reading your posts fairly regularly for the last couple of months, maybe more, and I have really enjoyed them. Keep up the great work.

    We have not done this very often, but when we have done it, it has worked well; the reason we don’t do it has to do more with our usual position for coitus than anything else…a version of missionary, only with me (husband) standing on the floor and her with her special parts right at the edge of the mattress…obviously this puts her hair down and much more difficult to grab.

    The thought that came to my mind, is that this is likely exactly the same responders as having the nipples licked/sucked/tweaked…before you are really into your orgasm, it just hurts, but when we are getting close (for both men and women), the pain really heightens the pleasure…if that makes any sense.

    Keep up the good work…Ciao, Kevin

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I’m glad you’re enjoying them. It was a little worried about this post (some people get upset at the fringe activities sort of posts), but right off the bat, three positive comments, so that’s encouraging.

      We can’t pull off that position, our bed is too short and our bodies too tall.

      As for the others: turns out that for women, there is literally a connection between nipples and genitals (I’m not sure about on men, but it wouldn’t surprise me), so I think it’s a different mechanism at work there, but it could be both as well.

  4. Dan says:

    If hair pulling is number three, what in the world are numbers one and two, especially when you say “desired”, not just “third most aggressive?” Seriously, I’d like to know or have the link for a future post if you don’t mind.

    I agree that we should be more alert to messages that are being sent non-verbally, especially if the behavior is not typical. If you pay close attention, she may send and affirming message about something you are doing by a verbal cue(moaning, or using descriptive language), or physical cue (rocking, thrusting, grasping, physical flushing, or excited breathing).

    For whatever reason, few women seem to respond well to being asked what they want. We of course don’t do it because we are clueless, but because we want to please them by giving them what they want, and in spades. From a more selfish side, we also want to feel they desire sex, desire it with us, and desire it RIGHT NOW! If she has specific request/demand, we feel that it indicates enthusiasm for both sex in general and what she wants specifically. They don’t often see it that way though. Oddly, often what they “want” is the flip side of the same coin we offer. They have something they want to do TO (notice I didn’t limit it by saying “for” but “to”) us and can be very aggressive about making it happen. You go girl!!!

    If she thinks that way about her man, perhaps she wants him to think just that way in return toward her. We often DO to others what we would desperately like to have DONE to us. “Don’t ask me!” she may be screaming inside. “DO ME!” And while your riding high in the saddle, reach down across her back and grab a hand full of mane and let her know who’s handling the reins. If she bucks back, hold on tight. You may be the ride of both your lives.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Number one was “pinning me down” and number two was “biting my neck”. Pinning her down was an obvious one I thought, but the biting was a bit of a surprise to me.

      As for why women don’t like to tell you what they want, I discussed my theory here.

      1. Dan says:

        The biting thing kind of struck me as odd too, although in the animal kingdom with a lot of mammals that are carnivores, offering the throat and belly is seen as submitting willingly or out of fear, while taking it in the teeth is seen as being dominant and acknowledging that submission. Perhaps that is the reason for the appeal and wide acceptance of the missionary position. It is open submission by the female on so many levels and allows dominance by the male. We are also then able to be face to face, and eye to eye which allow us to our emotions more readily and deeply. God created all creatures and everything. Surely we could be sharing some common traits. We share many similarly functioning body parts; why not some instinctual traits and emotions like caring for our offspring, pair-bonding, intimacy, the innate nature to protect and nurture and more. Not all things are in all species, but what is necessary for our purpose is provided.

  5. MJK says:

    Wow! I’ve been married a long time and here’s something we had not done yet. Yippee! Hubby was sitting right next to me as I shared this article. He loves when I share. I cut to the chase. He doesn’t need added words. Hold your horsey there Dan, it was getting a bit steamy! I will just have to suggest it for tonight. He had a puzzled look on his face. I just know that this is gonna be fun. Thanks for the article. Don’t worry about being on the fringe…there are many of us out there.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Well, I hope you had an enjoyable evening!

    2. Dan says:

      Well isn’t steamy the whole point of hair pulling? If the description is steamy, how much more so the action? You can only give it a try, but first you have to want to. Sometimes getting interested takes a little steam heat.

  6. LatterDay Marriage says:

    Another tip, grab lots of hair so the sensation is spread out over a larger area of the skull. If you grab too little hair, then it is easier to cause hurt.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yes. That’s why the braid is a lot easier, it’s pre-bundled as it were. Though just grabbing their hair loose feels a bit more dominant to me.

  7. MJK says:

    Update. It’s was really fun! I have to read his facial expressions to find out how he’s feeling. I’ve become an expert at it. His puzzled expression went to sheer delight! Here is this kind of, still shy guy, having the best climax in a long time. Sometimes it’s good to step out of your comfort zone to get the unexpected. I’m thankful that I found this blog. You are helping us one night at a time.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      That’s awesome, glad you learned something new. I’ll keep trying to find things to bring people out of their comfort zone from time to time.

      Glad it was an enjoyable experience for you both.

    2. Dan says:

      Pssssssss. Hot kettle. Congratulations. Keep it up. Don’t let fear and inhibition keep you from a fulfilled life. You created a memory too in the process. Win Win

  8. onewomanman says:

    Wow. I would love to try something new like this. Too bad my wife is completely opposed to any form of external comments/suggestions/ideas/blogs such as this that might make our lovemaking more enjoyable. “I saw it on …” is a sure fire way to wind up in the doghouse. Apparently we’re not allowed to seek counsel or feedback from others in this regard, so I guess I’m on the sidelines with this activity.

    Ps. I couldn’t agree more with your response to JR on husbands and headship. Nice response there.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      That’s unfortunate. My wife used to be the same way. She would roll her eyes when I said I read something on a blog or in a book and get really defensive. Things can change. Don’t give up hope.

      As for JR, he posted on another post as well, should you be interested.

    2. Dan says:

      Don’t give up. But when change starts, don’t push either. It will likely be much slower than you desire, but pushing will set things back, or worse stall them. When you have hungered for so long it is difficult to control you appetite but you will need to let things happen at her pace.

  9. Bonnie @ Love, Marriage and Sex says:

    “my wife told me that I needed to start asking for sex less and just “do” her sometimes. ”

    “Don’t spent time trying to figure out if she wants you to or not, and don’t ask if that’s what she wants.”

    Those things are related. Sometimes you don’t discuss things you do sexually. Sometimes you just try them out. If we don’t like them, we’ll tell you. I would think it is rare that a woman becomes offended by something like that, so if she doesn’t like it, she’ll let you know and you can continue on!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I agree. Most blogs out there will suggest you discuss everything before trying it, but I think, in some marriages, with certain things, that sort of ruins it. There are few, select times where discussion can be a hindrance. Wisdom is knowing which is which.

      1. onewomanman says:

        Good point. I’ve already discovered that trying to talk about it only shuts the door. I’ve heard it said in order to get what you really desire its better to ask forgiveness later (in the event its not taken well) than ask permission before when you know it will get shot down. As you point out. Wisdom is discerning when that’s appropriate.

        Maybe I should just “do” my wife. That’s a completely foreign concept in our MB. My dw thinks that only the ungodly/Hollywood/porn industry “do” sex. We do “intimacy” or whatever nice word you want to use to describe the act.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          I don’t mean to not have it be an intimate connection, but rather don’t ask, just start. Take her pants off, or start kissing her passionately. If she asks what you’re doing, don’t stop, just say something obvious like “I’m taking your pants off” and continue.

          I can’t guarantee it will work, but in my marriage, with my wife, she will generally go along with far more “activity” if I don’t ask. NOTE: THIS IS NOT PERMISSION TO RAPE YOUR WIFE. If she gives you a hard “no”, then stop, shrug say “OK” and go do something else. Don’t sulk, or whine, or try and convince her. Just accept it as a “she can’t right now”, either because of time constraints, or can’t get her mind there, or whatever.

          Then try again another time. Eventually she’ll probably ask what is wrong with you, and it’s important not to get defensive, just saying something like “well, you’re just too sexy, and I can’t help myself.” and then continue what you were doing. If it’s not a hard “no”, don’t take it as one.

          And I’m not an expert, I’m still learning this. I have nearly a decade of conditioning telling me that anything remotely resembling anything negative is a “no”, but it gets easier.

          1. Anonymous says:

            Jay Dee. It sounds to me like I’m in the a very similar position, if not the same entirely, as this poor fellow. I’ve always felt very alone in my sexual misery but his statements help me to see that I’m not alone. Do you have a good post that could help us find ways to cope better? Or a survey that identifies how common this problem is for men and more suggestions about how to get out of it?

            1. Jay Dee says:

              What problem exactly do you mean?

        2. Anonymous says:

          I hear your pain man. How has things been going lately? I’m in a similar situation and could also use your tips.

    2. Dan says:

      I think for a lot of guys, Miss Bonnie :), when we finally get you between the sheets or wherever, we hate to risk what may be our long-awaited shot on an unsure thing that may then also lengthen the time before our next shot. “Well, we ain’t gonna be doing that again for a while!” I did the just do it thing recently and it worked out very well, but I as strong as my desire was, there was a lot of anxiety going into it (no pun). IF we KNEW we were going to get sex more regularly i.e. weekly multiples, we would MORE THAN WILLINGLY risk leaving the comfort zone for an extended foray into the erotic zone. If nothing else, almost all men are adventure seekers when it come to sex. When the shots are few and far between, we tend to play the familiar hand (again, no pun).

  10. Robyn says:

    GREAT work (as usual) JD!! I love that you gave a ‘how to’ section with this one.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks Robyn.

  11. J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) says:

    Please do not assume that all wives want their husbands to forcefully dominate this way — even as one commenter said, like her daddy did (which personally made me think “ick”). Yes, I understand that a growing number of women desire aggressive action in the bedroom. But there are plenty of wives who do not want their hair pulled or other such activities in the marital bedroom.

    I believe actions like this need to be mutually determined and negotiated. And honestly, I’m a little worried some husbands whose wives don’t want this will get the wrong message.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Wasn’t my assumption at all. I thought I was clear by how often I used the word “some”…but perhaps not. Thanks for the clarification.

  12. MJK says:

    I really don’t think it has to be “rough”. There’s not a mean bone (pardon the pun) in my hubby’s body. He was hesitant and very loving in doing this playful act of hair pulling. I truly believe there are women out there who don’t play fair, perhaps even bait and switch. I mean that they refuse to go beyond their standard fair and keep their same boundaries. They promised to love, honor, and cherish but skip the love. It’s too bad. Their husbands have no one else in the whole wide world to make love to, and to have fun with. I read it over and over. I pray that our boys find wives who honor the scriptures and love to make love within their marriage. Perhaps having the hair pulling included in their marriage too. Only God knows.

    1. Amy says:

      @MJK – I agree that it doesn’t have to be ‘rough’, it can all be done playfully.
      And although I also agree that there are women who refuse anything new at all in the bedroom, I don’t agree that by not wanting step out of their comfort zone is necessarily skipping love.

      If a wife is constantly refusing sex with her husband and/or only going through the motions when making love, she is certainly showing love and intimacy towards her husband.
      But if she is not comfortable with hair pulling or other acts during sex, that does not equate withholding love or mean she does not love making love with her husband.

      There are those of us women who love making love with their husbands, but may not enjoy hair pulling or other ‘fringe’ activities. I believe God gives us freedom within the marriage bed to enjoy one another, but each couple has to decide for themselves what is desirable and acceptable for them.
      And with all aspects of the marriage relationship, communication is the key to a great sex life.

      1. Jay Dee says:

        Agreed, but it may be indicative of not wanting to grow, which is a serious problem in the Christian life, whether discussing marriage, or just general walk with God.
        And yes, communication is key…but so is following through on the communication.

        1. Amy says:

          I think what you are saying, correct me if I’m wrong, is that not wanting to step outside of one’s comfort zone sexually “may be indicative of not wanting to grow”?
          I’ve read and re-read your reply several times this morning and honestly, if I’m reading it how I interpreted it above, then I do not see the correlation between a spouse not wanting to try something sexually that makes them feel uncomfortable to causing them to stumble in their Christian walk.
          If we’re talking about one spouse being a refuse/gatekeeper, that may be different, because that would indicate some real issues taking place in their marriage. But my comment was simply in regards to MJK saying a spouse is skipping the love part of their vows when they do not want to step outside their sexual comfort zone, at least that is how I interpreted what she wrote. And I just do not feel that is true.
          I may not want my husband to ‘ride’ me like a horsey using my hair as a mane, but that does not equate to me withholding love. Just as my husband is not skipping the love part of his vows to me because he isn’t comfortable making love anywhere other than the bedroom.

          There is absolutely nothing wrong with being adventurous and having lots of fun sexually with your spouse, it’s the best, and I believe God gives us all the freedom we want within the marriage bed. But if one spouse is hesitant about trying something sexually I just do not believe it translates to them not loving their spouse completely or stumbling in their walk with God. 🙂

          1. Jay Dee says:

            I’m sorry, I was not clear. I meant, that if one spouse has a history of turning down every suggestion, idea, tips, desires outside of the standard fare of missionary PIV, it may be indicative that they are so comfortable in their ways, they are not interested in being “stretched” (mentally, not physically), or that they have some false belief that PIV is the only acceptable position for having sex, or perhaps that sex is only for reproduction and so we should not be enjoying it.

            Attitudes like this can have far reaching consequences. If you are never willing to do anything other than what you’ve always done, you will miss some wonderful experiences God has in store for you (outside of sex). If you believe that sex is only for procreation, you miss a God that wants you to find pleasure in life and marriage, and this makes it harder to believe that God loves you I think.

            I did not mean to imply at all that if you don’t like having your hair pulled that you are being hindered in your walk.

            I hope that clarifies my thoughts.

            1. Amy says:

              Okay, gotcha ya! 😉
              Certainly, there would be some big issues going on if a spouse sees anything other than the missionary position too far out there or perhaps sinful. So in that context, your reply makes perfect sense.

              1. Jay Dee says:

                I’m glad we got that resolved.

                1. Amy says:

                  Yep, bout time. LOL

    2. Beryl says:

      Wow, you sure threw me for a loop, when you said wives don’t play fair, and you want your sons to find wives who honor the Scripture.
      Is this turning into a “scold and criticize the wives” site? So, let me get this straight. You, MJK, a woman , is saying that a wife who does not let her husband pull her hair, is not playing fair? Also, you only want your sons to marry hair pulling women and a wife is not following the Scripture if she doesn’t allow this activity. Wow!!

      I hurt for wives, when we read critical comments like yours. Seems like everytime, there is a marriage site that is posting on the internet, someone is scolding wives for something.

  13. Bonnie Way says:

    Hmmm. I like a good scalp massage or when he brushes my hair or runs his fingers through my hair… sometimes a bit of tugging, but not too much. I think it’s best when he buries his hand in my hair and tugs gently just for a bit and then changes and tugs again. For me, I’ve always enjoyed having someone play with my hair, so when it’s my husband in bed while we’re kissing… well, that’s extra nice. 🙂

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I don’t think I’ve tried during kissing actually…I’m going to have to attempt that one. See if my wife thinks it’s “extra nice” as well.

  14. alana says:

    you did a great job writing this don’t worry with those out there with their negative comments the blog was written for people with these types of wives is not like your telling all men to just dominate their wives by pulling their hair it was meant for men with these types of wives write whatever God has laid on your heart their will always be haters For women like me it’s a big turn on

    1. Dan says:

      I’ve never seen Jay Dee write an article that didn’t try to consider the feeling or viewpoint of both the husband and wife. It is so hard to write something and have to fill it with qualifiers for those that cannot read between the lines: “What about this,” and “what about that.” If you try to cover every base thoroughly, you’ll never make it to home plate and your point will get diluted or lost in the shuffle. Glad to see you, Bonnie Way and MJK understand that. He does a really good job looking at both side fairly.

      1. Jay Dee says:

        I do my best. That’s all I can offer. It helps that my wife is my proofreader. Often I change bits and pieces after she’s proofread based on her comments or reactions.

    2. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks Alana.

    3. Beryl says:

      Just because some women do not like their hair pulled, doesn’t mean that they are “haters”, or that there is something wrong with them.

      1. Jay Dee says:

        I don’t think she meant to suggest they were, just the people who are so against it that they think everyone else should be as well.

  15. MJK says:

    Hey Jay Dee, I’m looking forward to your next “fringe how to”. Here is one student who takes things seriously, but it’s all for the fun of it. Just remember that if I spoke up, there’s probably hundreds more beyond me learning too. Variety is the spice of life…as long as it’s with only your spouse, just as God intended.
    I used to date a biker in my BC (before Christ) days. I have a lot of “fringe how to” knowledge. It’s just so weird that I never did the hair pulling thing. Sharing is good. At the beginning, my poor husband never knew what hit him. Haha!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Well, I admit, now I’m curious to see the list of activities rolling around in your head (purely for research).

  16. Mel Caldicott says:

    Your practical tips are always so well researched and thought-provoking.
    Thanks for sharing at Essential Fridays.
    Blessings
    Mel from Essential Thing Devotions

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I’m afraid I’m a terrible post-modernist. I tend to disregard people’s experiences in favor of absolute truth (probably part of Asperger’s Syndrome), so for me, it needs to be researched, and research almost always provokes thought. So, I can’t take much credit for it, that’s just how my brain works.

      I’m glad you’re enjoying them Mel.

  17. Chris Tian says:

    Thanks for this site, it’s great to be able to talk about sex in an open manner without shame or smuttiness. As a Christian woman who was celibate for a long time I am now wanting to further explore intimacy with my husband in a Godly way, it’s so disappointing to see this area being dominated by satan with either filth or dodgy spirituality attached, yet sex is God’s gift to His children!!

    Anyway I wanted to say about the article, I am considered a “strong woman” I am nearly six foot tall and more than a little overweight at just over 280lbs (having come down from 308 last year and still going down 🙂 despite these things I enjoy my intimacy with my husband and he’s the only person I can feel truly weak with. I like the fact that I can be vulnerable with him, not that I’m pretending to be strong or people expect me to in day-to-day life only I don’t feel it’s appropriate to share certain things with others. Maybe the hair-pulling thing is about that, sharing a part of oneself that is vulnerable and easy to be abused but placing trust in the hands of your spouse knowing they can hurt you but won’t.

    1. Beryl says:

      After discussing this with my female group, none of us (6), desire our hair to be pulled. Where are these women who enjoy that? We do agree that he should gently stroke, your head where your hair is, but absolutely no pulling. I cringe when I think of that. It reminds me of women saying that a man would enjoy the pinching of his ears. Ha Ha 🙂

      1. Jay Dee says:

        Where? Well, there is one in my household. I’m not sure where the rest are located…
        But, according to one of my surveys, 13% of wives said they prefer rough sex (like hair pulling).

      2. FarAboveRubies says:

        I am one of those women. My husband would never do anything to hurt me. We have the utmost of trust, love, and respect for each other. He is a gentle giant who couldn’t hurt a fly, let alone his loving wife. He gently pulled my hair after he carefully gathered the majority of my hair in his hand. The overall sensation was great, not painful, not even close to painful. Geez! Don’t knock it until you’ve try it. He lovingly did it per my request. I have been married for more than a quarter century. I might think that someone who doesn’t try new things with her husband might be missing out on something. It just seems like you have an unfair judgement about women who try new things. It would be as unfair as me saying that women who won’t try hair pulling do only the missionary position. I would not say that, just making a point. I highly doubt that if I was with a bunch of women, regardless of how close we are, that I would admit what I do with my husband. Just sayin’.

      3. browneyedgirl says:

        I guess it depends on HOW you put the question Beryl. From your tone on here, I greatly suspect it was with an expression/tone of disapproval. If you are considered a leader in that group, it would be unwise of any of the women to go against something of which you so CLEARLY disapprove. Just saying :) Take this how you choose to interpret it. Blessings.

  18. Beryl says:

    @FarAboveRubies,
    You don’t know anything about me and therefore are out of line to criticize me personally. Please make comments about the topic, NOT personal attacks on the commenters, their sex life, their marriage, their spouse, or activities with their friends.

    Please do not lie on me and say , “like you have an unfair judgement about women who try new things.” You are so confused. And when I am with my close girlfriends, YES WE DO TALK, about the things we like and dislike. You do not have the right to judge me and my friends about what we discuss . Also, just because you do not do this in your circle of friends, doesn’t set the rule for the rest of the world. Wow, you come across as forward, snarky, and nasty. Wow you are way out of line!!

    FOR YOUR INFORMATION, my partner would not hurt me either, we also have the utmost in love, respect, and trust. I DO NOT LIKE HAIR PULLING. HE DOES NOT LIKE ME TO PINCH HIS EARS. Go ahead and critice me again. I

    1. browneyedgirl says:

      It’s funny, but FarAboveRubies’ post seemed to me quite respectful and on topic. Indeed, it is YOUR response to her post that strikes me as downright unloving and (dare I say) UNCHRISTIAN. Again, blessings on your Christian journey.

  19. FarAboveRubies says:

    @ Beryl,

    “Where are these women who enjoy that?” I answered that. I’m sorry that you got offended. I will stick with short answers like Jay Dee. I’m learning.

    1. Beryl says:

      @FarAboveRubies,
      I did not intend to get riled up. I apologize for my rant at you. It’s just that I love and support my female gender, since most women will not defend us, against the many internet articles, that tell women what we should like, should say and do for our husbands, lest domething is wrong with us.

      I will shorten my comments and count to 10 before I write. 🙂

      1. FarAboveRubies says:

        Me too. I promise. 🙂

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