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Sex Within Marriage

Hot and Monogamous, just as God intended

Anonymous Question

This question is starting to come up more and more.  This week, I received the following message on Facebook:

So what about ‘Asexuals’? I am a college student currently in a dating relationship and to be honest, I have pretty much no sexual attraction, desire, or drive. And although I don’t really want to pin myself to any labels, I fit the Asexual description. I’m not too worried about now, since me and my partner have decided to wait for sex, but I’m thinking its going to get quite complicated in the future. (My partner is definitely not an asexual person). For a married couple, do you think it would be a still healthy marriage if a couple didn’t have sex at all? My thinking is that because I have no desire for sex, anytime we did have it would be out of obligation, and it would just be me “giving in” to my partner, which I don’t think is the ideal reason or motive for sex.

Now, typically I only answer questions from married couples, but I think asexuality is something that married couples deal with as well, so I’m going to give my answer publicly (with the questioner’s permission), in the hopes that it might help others.

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Is sensuality in Christian marriage a sin I received two questions on our Have A Question page this week that I’m willing to bet come from the same person.  They also sort of are on the same topic, so I’m going to tackle them at the same time:

I once had a conversation with my W [wife] that “sensual” and “sensuality” are vices, sins.  I had no argument to counter because countless Bible verses suggest this. That said, is there a place for “sensuality” in Marriage?  Or is that “of the flesh” sex that is NOT to be conducted in a Christian marriage?  I think I know your position, but I’m curious how to reconcile that the Bible appears to teach “sensuality” is sinful.

Lust according to God is a sin. What about “lusting” after your wife? I thought it would be hot my wife to dress seductively and do a little “dance” for me. She refused saying that it just causes me to lust after her and lust is sinful.  Same thing if I had “pornographic” images of my wife, or any other material or behavior that inappropriately fuels sexual desire for my wife. What do you say?

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What effect does premarital sex have on a marriage Last week I put out our premarital sex survey because I’d been getting a lot of comments, emails, etc. talking about how people felt their premarital sex, even if it was with their now spouse, had damaged their marriage.  As well, after our post Is my married sex life ruined because I had sex before marriage? we got a lot of questions asking how common this was.  There are a lot of people thinking they are the only ones in their situation.  If they had sex before marriage, they think they’re one of the few Christians who fell to this temptation.  If they didn’t, they think they’re one of the few Christians who made it to marriage as virgins…and then wonder if it was worth the effort.

So, we put this survey out to help answer a lot of these questions, in the hopes that more of you will recognize you aren’t alone in your struggles, but also to, hopefully, help us to better understand how sex before marriage can affect our marital sex lives, and thus be better armed when speaking with our kids, so we don’t have to give the traditional Christian answer of “You just don’t!”

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Are my sex toys toxic I received this question during one of our surveys:

Where can one find a good christian resource for toys that encourage safe toys since most or a great many sex toys have toxic substances in them. Most resources that I have been able to find have porn ads embedded in the sites.

And I thought, “Hey, I could be a good Christian resource that encourages safe toys!” Continue reading

Delight your marriage episode 4 It’s been an exhausting few days for me.  I’ve been trying to write more, but the last couple days, between the new born waking frequently, and a sudden rush of work in my day job, I just haven’t had the time to sit and write a post.

So, I’m just going to take a few quick seconds to tell you about something that happened a couple weeks ago, but I don’t think I posted about. Continue reading

Survey This survey is in response to a comment I got on our of our previous surveys.  They were wondering how premarital sex affected marital sex.  I asked on our Facebook page if there were any other questions people wanted answered, and this is the survey I came up with, to try and get them all in. Continue reading

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