Email Facebook Page Google+ Page LinkedIn Profile Pinterest Profile RSS Feed Twitter
Hot and Monogamous, just as God intended

I Want My Husband To Want MeI don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’ve been getting more and more comments from women say that they want sex more than their husbands, completely shattering the stereotype that men always want more sex.  There are blogs from women in these types of marriages, guest posts, threads on message boards, everywhere you see wives saying “I want my husband to want me!”, but still the popular myth is maintained: that men need/want sex more than women.  And anywhere a woman stands up and says “I like sex” or “I want sex every day” or “I want sex more than my husband”, there is someone standing up calling “unicorn” (mythical creature).  But anyone who runs a blog dealing with marriage or sex, and I’d guess anyone in that area of marriage counselling as well, has to know that these are not unicorns, and there aren’t more of them every day, they’re just becoming more vocal.

This past week I ran a survey asking some simple questions about people’s marriage and sex life, and while this post was not the reason I ran the survey, nor was I looking for answers related to this post, I did see some stats that some of you may find surprising.

Higher Sex Drive Chart

According to the men who voted, 3% of wives have a higher sex drive than their husband and 10% have matching drives giving 13% of wives with high sex drives.  I would suggest this number is deflated because of the social stigma attached to men who don’t want sex as much as their wives.

According to the women who voted, 49% of them have higher sex drives than their husbands, with an additional 20% matching their husbands, giving an astounding 69% of wives have higher drives than their husbands.  Now, I would suggest this number is inflated because it is far more likely that a high-drive woman would answer a survey about her sex life that she found on a Facebook page about sex, or a Twitter feed about sex, or a message board about sex.

So, if you add these together, I’m not sure they cancel each other out, but we probably come to a more realistic number of  22% of wives having a higher drive and an additional 14% matching their husbands.  Which leaves us with 36% of wives having high drives.

Thirty Six Percent!  That’s more than a third.  How are your stereotypes holding up?  Let’s keep going.

Now, it’s a well known, the stereotype, that wives refuse their husbands sex.  Now, this data is harder to handle.  You can’t just ask people if they are refused, because some people will say they are refused while they’re having sex more than seven times a week (which by the way only 3% of respondents are, but 50% of those who are have been married 25+ years, so kudos, you’ve earned it!).  So, here is the logic I used to determine if someone is being refused:

  • If you find your sex-life unfulfilling AND
  • You are doing the initiating more than your spouse AND
  • You are having sex once a week or less

Refused SpousesThen, you might be a refused spouse.  Now, you may agree or disagree with my criteria, but that’s what I have.  If you have a better way of determining it, please let me know.  So, turns out that husbands are being refused (according to my criteria) a lot less than would be believed by sitcoms.  According to my respondents, we’re sitting at around 22% of men are being refused by their wives.  This is nowhere near the belief we’ve been fed that sex dies after marriage.  In fact, from what I can tell, marriages in the community I am reaching are having sex on average 2-3 times a week, which seems consistent with other, more scientific, surveys. Now, what about the women?  I mean, if the stereotype is to be believed, then there should be none, or maybe 1.  Surely not more than 1% anyways.  How about 11%?  That’s right, more than 1 in 10.  How many married couples are their in your local church?  If there are 50, chances are about 5% of those women are crying themselves to sleep at night because their husband doesn’t want to have sex with them.  I bet you’re going to have trouble paying attention to the sermon this week trying to figure out who they are.  Sort of changes your view doesn’t it?

Now, we have lots of posts out there about men being refused, about how to deal with the rejection, about how rejecting your husband for sex is an act of disrespect, and on and on it goes.  But there really isn’t that much discussion on the women who are being rejected.  What can we tell them?  They’re hearing the same arguments are excuses that the rejected men are:

  • I’m tired
  • It’s late
  • You want sex too much
  • I have a headache
  • I don’t feel well
  • Not tonight

There are husbands racing to get to bed and be asleep before their wife makes it to bed.  There are husbands staying up late at night hoping their wife will fall asleep before they get to bed.  Don’t think that there aren’t.  I’ve heard the stories from them.  And as much as men want and need respect, women want and need to feel desired, and it’s hard to feel desired when the one person you should be able to count on to desire you doesn’t have any interest in looking at you, in feeling you, in touching you, in kissing you, and avoids sex with you like it’s the plague.  My sisters in Christ who are dealing with this are hurting, they are suffering, and for the most part, they are suffering in silence, because in the words of one such wife who contacted me:

What does that say about me, that [my husband] doesn’t want to have sex with me? There must be something terribly wrong with me. Everywhere I look, every lesson on sex or article , tells me that men want and need sex. They think about it 10 times an hour. Why hasn’t anyone ever wanted me? What is wrong with me?

The shame of admitting that your husband doesn’t want sex with you can be more overwhelming than the hope that anyone can help.

And I honestly don’t know what to say to these women.  I know there are things like their husband needs to lose weight, get his testosterone levels checked, he needs to follow the same scriptures about refusal that we give to wives, but it’s harder in these cases.  Because the wives have this shame that their husband doesn’t want to be with them, and the husbands generally don’t want to acknowledge the issue, let alone deal with, because they have their own stigma.  In societies view, what kind of man would pass down sex with a wife who wants it?  I’m sure he doesn’t want people to think he’s “less of a man”.  So, the advice, the counsel, the bible verses never reach his heart, because it’s too guarded against his own pain.

So, why am I writing a post when I don’t have an answer?

I guess to break some of the stereotypes.  To take away some of the stigma.  So that they can feel more comfortable about seeking help, and more people will be willing to help them.

Your Turn

What can you do?  When you hear this stereotype, challenge it.  Say you read a stat saying that 11% of women are being refused.  Say that it’s not only men.  Say that some women want sex more than their husband.  Do it so that your sisters can get the help they need to work towards the marriage God wants for them.

128 Responses to I want my husband to want me

  • Jay-
    Last year for my 30th wedding anniversary I decided that I needed to learn what did I really know about having sex with my husband. In my research I found that there were 2 reasons most couples get divorced for . Those reasons were sex and money. Most divorces are requested by women. Most long term marriage (15 years+) run a higher risk of ending divorce. There are a lot of sexless marriages out there. I learned also that the sex drives of the couples can flip flop. I know that this to be true in my own marriage as I am now the higher drive spouse. Do Ladies take heart-there are a lot of us higher driver wives out there. Couples take note that this a conversation must be ongoing.

    • Yes, we’ve seen lots of couples speak out and say that the dynamic has changed, occasionally that the husband can no longer “keep up” with his wife.

      No doubt some of them fall into a refusal pattern as well.

      Thanks for the reminder.

    • I would so love to be married/have a spouse, a Christian & male-leading one.

    • I’m one of those husbands who used to have the higher sex drive. Now hers is higher than mine. One thing is interesting that she told me. She says that now she understands how emotionally painful it is to be rejected and that she wishes she would go back in time and talk to herself when her drive was lower. She said she’d tell herself to “put out” then because later she’d be the one with the higher drive hoping for the nod from me.

  • I don’t relate to men who neglect their wives. I’ve done all I can to try and make sure she never has reason to doubt that I find her beautiful, sexy, attractive, and that I love her. I’ve done the stay up late to watch TV thing so she will be asleep when I got to bed, but that was back when she frequently refused me and it was a case of ‘If I don’t ask then I won’t be rejected, and if she is asleep when I go to bed it won’t be as big a struggle for me’. I didn’t do it all the time just nights I knew she wouldn’t and it would be hard to be in bed with her awake. She did not feel deprived, she really would have said no and she knew all she had to do if she actually did want it was drop a hint and I was there, or wait a day or two and hope would beat out fear and I’d ask.

    It might be a lack of knowledge, the assumption that their wife doesn’t want/need sex more than they do because they are a woman, it might be a lack of empathy for the pain they feel. It might be that porn has altered their sexual responses to the point where they no longer see their wife in a sexual way or feel desire for them. It might be that low T or sexual dysfunction makes him fear having sex and exposing his problem. So I don’t think there is a one size fits all answer.

    I don’t think overt seduction methods are usually the solution, or thumping their head with the Bible (not saying scripture shouldn’t be used, but don’t use it like a club). I think perhaps trying to appeal to their husbands instinct to protect his wife and keep her from harm, his desire to be her hero, are the buttons that should be pressed. ‘I need your help’ has more power than ‘I want/need you to…’.
    LatterDay Marriage recently posted..Moving towards sexual fulfillment – Part 2My Profile

    • That’s certainly something to try (appeal for protection), but in many cases, these wives have tried everything, they can, but it’s too hard for them, or their husbands, to take the next step and get outside help (therapy, counselling, etc.)

      I’m hoping by opening this discussion and making it more public and well know, we can remove the shame and social stigma attached to these situations so that both spouses can get the help they need to grow together.

      • I am a refused wife. We have been married just over 2 years and have not been intimate since June. Our first year of marriage it was a total of 6 times. I have tried talking to him, I’ve written letters, suggested outside help, tried to initiate (never will I do again, felt so completely humiliated when he turned me down the first and second time I tried). I never once tried to belittle him for it. I always approach the situation with love. I’ve been told it’s not me it’s him,Ive been laughed off, I’ve been told I willdo better, and I’ve been told that he may need to see a doctor. All of theses things he said but no follow through on any of them. I pray about this but it’s hard waiting for the answers. We’ve bee on several little getaways and he never attempts to be romantic. It’s hard not to think that he isn’t attracted to me. I keep myself together cause that’s just who I am. I am 41 and he is 34. People tell me often how they can’t believe I’m 40+. When we met he didn’t think I was older than him. He says he is still attracted to me but his actions don’t show it. He barely kisses me. I get the routine peck on the lips when we leave to go to work. If I ask for more than that it’s like I asked for the world. I’m get so angry sometimes and don’t know what to do. I’m so frustrated, hurt, sad, and lonely. It’s like we are friends and nothing more. When we were dating this was never an issue. He was so affectionate and I always felt wanted. Something changed drastically and I don’t have a clue. I don’t want to give upon us, I’mat a loss.

        • I think you are living my life. Been married 7 years together 10 and it has all crashed. Claims he went to doctor been waiting on blood work for two weeks

        • My heart hurts reading your post because I know all too well how you are feeling. The pain, the perplexity…..the hurt that turns to anger though it is not our intention to become angry. I have had much of the same experience. I have been married for a little over 2 years to a man that I love very much, who tells me frequently that he loves me. When we began dating, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. In fact, it was a negative issue through out of entire dating relationship, right up until the moment we said “I do”. Despite the obvious struggle that it caused, I loved being so desired by my husband (then boyfriend). It made me feel like I was something worth having….like he was a lucky man to have me… I was a girl that other men would kill to have ( ya know….’a girl who wants to? as much as I want to? jackpot!’). It made me feel feminine and seductive…..then we got married. The honeymoon was pleasant. I thought it was the beginning of a n intimate sex life with my husband. In actuality it was more of an end to our mutual passion for eachother for as soon as we returned home I was met with constant rejection with no explanations or reassurances. However I knew that shutting down out of fear of being hurt was not the way. I was determined to continue to initiate sex, remaining vulnerable. I am no longer convinced that this was wisdom…. I don’t know what to think about that anymore. My “high sex drive” used to be something that made me feel uniquely desirable… it’s hard not to feel like something must be wrong with me. It has turned into a source of shame instead of pride (the good kind). I too sit at a loss. It is so difficult to speak to him about this issue because no matter how I word it, all he seems to hear is me listing his failures. I would ask the male readers if they have any insight into a “safe” way for me to broach the subject with my husband.

          • I left my husband because he refused me. he refused me so many times that I could no longer live with myself approving rejection.I tried everything to make him happy but he always had an excuse from I’m tired to I have heartburn. whatever excuse you can think of I have heard of it drives me insane

          • Deborah, I am in the same boat. WE didn’t even have a honeymoon or honeymoon phase. Could barely get him to bed the night we got married. It’s been downhill ever since. Looking back, I think I did most of the initiating and the complaining that we needed a real sex life. I finally quit initiating and guess what? I got zero. We’ve not had sex in 4 years. I bring it up a lot, it gets me nowhere. It is so hurtful, embarrassing. I feel resentful, angry, so many things. I feel I almost hate him for it. To me it’s pathetic. I don’t even know if I have a sex drive any longer. I’ve learned to ignore it. I’m very emotionally drained from this marriage and I want to leave, just not sure how anymore. Been together for 10 yrs, I’m embarrassed to even admit that. Each year, I don’t want to celebrate our anniversary, I feel it’s a joke, I feel so phony to celebrate it. I never thought my life would be like this. I am very alone and I feel he does not care, he is not willing to do anything that is difficult for him, like facing this. He doesn’t shower, I have to tell him to, we live in separate bedrooms.
            I feel we can never have it back. I feel very hopeless and feel we need a divorce.

          • Your story is a blue print of mine. It all happened the same way. There were no issues concerning desire prior to marriage. Then about 2 weeks in, I was told ” I don’t see you in a sexual way”.
            I find it very difficult to live/sleep with a man whom I find extremely attractive and am constantly rejected by. I feel it would have been fair if he had discussed his lack of desire for me prior to the marriage. I actually told him before hand of my high drive, so he had the opportunity to be open at the time.?.

            • I can also relate. I am smitten with my husband, we’ve only been married a little over a year and experienced the same thing on the night we got married, I am completely attracted to him, physically, and emotionally and he has no desire for me anymore. He says he does but by his actions he doesn’t. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to want to have sex with me and it only happens on his watch. I think if he had it his way he’d be ok with never having it at all, I tell him that all the time too. I am so sad and depressed and feel unattractive and unloved by this.

            • I think you great gals should seek a divorce. I’m a pastors wife & you can KNOW he’s not being faithful to you. Even if it’s an image in his mind it is adultery. Feel free to be free from the anxiety. God does care about our holiness more than our happiness but adultery allows for the break of vows. Get on with life & love someone & be loved in return. Do not be embarrassed at all to act on truth. Satan loves truth to stay in the dark.

              • 1) Why lead with the fact that your a pastor’s wife. That gives you absolutely no more authority than anyone else.
                2) You counsel for divorce based on a few sentences?
                3) You make assumptions about adultery, when they said nothing of the sort, and then base your advice on your assumptions.

                How’s that for acting on truth? Comments like yours make me want to re-examine my moderation policies…

          • I am sorry for the emotional torment you must be going through. I too am in a marriage wherein our sex drives are not compatible and am surrendering my drives and emotions to the Lord.

            After the realization I cannot change my wife despite multiple attempts at discussions, counseling, romantic date nights, date weekends, bedroom toy purchases, sexy and loving texts before any attempts.

            I try not to focus on how duped I felt by her multiple overtures at having sex before we were married which I repeatedly and lovingly denied except for two incidents. Now unfortunately occasional masturbation is my only out, yet I realize this is not healthy for me spiritually, emotionally, relationally with my wife.

        • I am experiencing almost word for word what you’ve described. I often feel humiliated, sad, hurt, devastated. You are not alone. We have been married for almost 4 years. When we were dating, he was so affectionate and loving. It’s not just the intimacy that’s changed, but his sweet, kind words, his loving nature, and the silly, quirky fun we always had no matter where we were or what we were doing. I feel like not only have I lost my husband, but my best friend, as well. I feel hopeless. I can’t cry anymore. There are no tears left. I just pray. I pray every day for God to bring my husband back to me. We don’t fight, we get along great. Of course we have the occasional disagreement or spat, but that is all that it is…. I can count on one hand how many times we’ve ever really argued that amounted to anything… I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I treat him like he walks on water, I am faithful, I adore him. My reason for writing this is just to let you know that you are not experiencing this pain alone. My heart goes out to you as I know exactly how you feel.

        • I feel like I just read my own jornal while reading your post. My husband & I have only been married since summer 2014 and we average 2 times per month, and that’s only because I begged for it. I need help, he will not acknowledge that there is a pproblem. I cry myself to ssleep almost every night & I feel so neglected and rejected and undesired and unwanted. I’m 45 not 80! And I don’t look my age either, plus I’m fit and healthy. What do I do; where do I turn? I told him the Bible says do not deny each other of sex…his reply was the Bible also says you have to submit to me so stop riding my back!

          • Sadly I totally understand. Twice a month would be a good month for use these days. We’ve had sex once this year so far. He doesn’t go with the submission rubbish – my husband honestly believes that once a month is sufficient sex. He claims he isn’t denying me. I wonder if your husband thinks the same? Not that it makes it easier though. *hugs*

        • Same situation with me. I’ve ask him is something wrong with me. Do unit find me attractive. Am I no good. What is the reason? He never holds me tells me he loves me touches me and when I touch him he pulls away or shrugs me off. We been married 3years and can count on my fingers the times we had sex and still have fingers left over that’s so hurtful .I feel like im just being used to take care of his two young children. And that’s all he wants me for.

        • I feel for you because i can imagine u must feel so rejected and ling for that intimacy. There is a major issue in your marriage. May i ask if you have put on a lot of weight Or have you stopped makibg yourself attractive for your husband? If its not either of those two things then i have to sadly assume that he’s cheating either emotionally or perhaps sexually and emtionally on you. Or he could possibly be homosexual. Hope you figure it out soon or find someone who can fulfill you in every way.

          • This is exactly the kind of stereotype I was trying to get rid of when I wrote this post…

          • I think that’s unfair to ask if theyve put on weight or stopped looking their best my husband compliments me cuddles me and tells me im sexy all the time but sex.doesn’t seem to be an option i have gained weight but this began before i gained weight

        • You’re not the only one so don’t feel bad this has happened to me at 24 years old. I probably get it once a month and keep myself occupied by doing other things. It really bites when I can’t get any action in the bedroom. He’s only 27 I really don’t get it. I confronted him and everything is always in his terms only when he wants it. It really isn’t fair.

        • I have a similar problem. My husband has not touched me in the longest time maybe a year. I have forced myself on him , written letters, made request for love including hand holding or hugs, and he doesn’t want me. I’m 44 and attractive. I cry almost every night because the “loss” of my husband hurts me over and over. I have moved out of our bedroom into a small room in the house. I want love and affection but I can’t undo some of the things that have caused this. I went back to work about 5 years ago because of financial reasons

  • Maybe men in general have been dominated by their wives so much that it’s driving the desire right out of them. I believe we are designed for men to be dominant and women to be submissive to their husbands.

    For decades now our society has catapulted women into equality with their husbands and, often, the breadwinners, and with that comes head-strong women used to being in charge, doing things their way and getting what they want.

    We (women) are used to being in control. I am one of those women, and I undermined my husband by being dominating in every decision in our marriage, work and family- for over 15 years.

    A few months ago I realized I had this deep yearning to be led by my husband. To give him full authority over his home, his wife and our family. Frankly, it’s been a relief to me to relinquish that burden. And, it has uplifted him and really just breathed new life in our relationship. He feels supported, encouraged and trusted in a way that he hasn’t before. Not that I was abusive- I clearly was not. However, I was dominant, authoritative and did take control and push to get things done- often to the detriment of our family or when he’d rather take a slower, different approach.

    I find that we are talking much more deeply, I no longer complain, we work together towards goals, and I no longer interfere with the discipline of our children. Our home is suddenly more peaceful, we feel in sync. I am a better Mom.

    When I decided I really wanted to become submissive, I had a long discussion with my husband about it and explained why, what it meant to me and what it could do for our family.

    The sex since this change has been phenomenal. Holding him up as the dominant leader and seeing him embrace it is super-sexy.

    Maybe the wives who want more should consider giving him want he needs- to be the leader of his home and family.

    • Yeah, I think there is a strong correlation between who leads the household and how much sex is being had in that household, and my survey suggested the same: Husband-led households have sex twice as often and wife-led households according to the respondents.

      Now, I will not say that this is always caused by dominant women. But it does happen:

      • With the exception of sex, as the more inhibited and more conservative person in the relationship, her preferences and inhibitions take the lead, and I have no control. We operate as equal but different complimentarian
      • Not a putdown – but I’m easygoing, my wife is strong-willed but mostly polite and flexible about it.
      • I am not so sure about this – but wife definitely controls the marriage bed.
      • It has always been wife leads, but have been in the process of changing it. So I in the past year it’s more of what I marked.
      • She would say I am in control but that’s only true as I decide the way she wants.

      Many that I’ve had exchanges with, or read their experiences say that they would love to have their husband lead, but he won’t.

      And in the survey, some of the comments I got were:

      • Husband is in control, but he is sure NOT a leader.
      • Pushing to have husband become the head of home. Tough since he was constantly treated as a child by mother and sister
      • he won’t lead even when i try to step back
      • Wanting DH to take more lead in important issues.

      And even when the husband is in the lead, he’s not always leading well:

      • I am very passive and sometimes feel like I don’t have a voice.
      • We believe in the husband being the head, but I pretty much do and control everything in the house because he delegated all that to me. He has the final say in the house and tends to take liberties that I cannot being the mom, such as hanging out with the guys for hours whereas I rarely leave home alone for a bit of respite.

      But yes, there have been quite a few wives who have said that both their sex life and the rest of their marriage got better as soon as their husbands took on a leadership role.

      • I’m in that group too. I had been in a ‘head’ mind-set of submission – not really wanting to be there. Over the years our sex life dwindled, with my hubby eventually reaching the point of not desiring sex (me) at all. He knew it wasn’t true submission; you guys can just tell. But when God got a hold of and straightened me out – EVERYTHING changed!
        Robyn Gibson recently posted..Me? … envious? … nahMy Profile

      • JayDee, I have come back to address your response above to Submissive Wife. Something about it was bothering me all night, and after prayer I think I have figured out what. I would respectfully ask you not to conflate the issues of sexual frequency/headship/submission and male refusal or low desire. They are two separate issues. I think that putting that data in your comment on this post (where you have ended asking what can be done about male refusal/lack of desire) is muddying the waters.

        Go back and look into your data. I would speculate that in most of the relationships where the woman was in control and the frequency was low A. the husband has the higher drive B. The wife is not submissive. C. they report lower sexual frequency.

        In that dynamic, the unsubmissive wife is the one doing the sexual refusal (thereby lowering frequency), not the husband. You need to take out all data that fits that pattern, before you can make any conclusions about whether or not lack of submission leads to male refusal or low male desire.

        There is a difference between a man who eventually stops pursuing his wife because she has resisted him and said no to sex over the years, and a man who repeatedly says no to his wife over the years when she asks for sex. Both could theoretically be considered low desire based on sexual initiation and frequency data alone.

        With the first type of man, it is not surprising that a wife being more submissive in general might result in increased sexual frequency. The desire is there, it has just gone dormant after years of neglect. She starts saying yes, so he starts asking more and voila problem fixed! Increased frequency!

        With the second type of man, the desire is not there and may never have been there. A wife submitting to her husband’s wishes in that case will just result in lowered sexual frequency, as he does not wish to have sex.

        • OK, I had to read your comment twice to make sure, but it sounds to me like you are agreeing with me, so perhaps I was unclear.

          I was saying that it seems to happen that it is tied to headship/submission, but it’s certainly not the all the time. There are plenty of cases where headship/submission have absolutely nothing to do with the low drive of the husband or the frequency.

          But, your criteria is flawed I believe. You basically just asked me to measure how many men are low-drive (the other criteria cancelled out), which I pointed out in the post and even added a chart on.

          I apologize if the comment was ambiguous. Thank you for giving me a chance to clarify.

          • What I am asking you not to do is look at the issue of male refusal and try to tie it somehow to a correlation between frequency and headship/submission in a marriage. To me, that is a separate issue. I am challenging your assertion that the husband’s natural drive is tied to headship/submission behavior in his wife. Note that I said “natural drive”. Being treated badly by an overbearing, controlling, and unloving spouse is likely to eventually lower desire in both genders.

            Submissive Wife made remarks that men have been dominated so much that it is driving the desire out of them. She makes the suggestion at the end of her comment that wives who want sex more than their husbands need to be more submissive and let him be the leader more if they are wanting more sex.

            This is another example of the taboo and shameful nature of this. If my husband doesn’t want to have sex with me as much as I want to with him, it is because of something that is lacking in me, in this case my lack of submission. Submit more and he will want more sex. That may work for some, but I believe that would only be the case in relationships where the man already had the higher drive than the woman and was encouraged to pursue her.

            That sort of outlook by other women does not make me want to bring my husband’s refusals up at all, because that sort of “advice” is based on the flawed stereotype that all married men want sex all the time and those who don’t must have a wife who has turned them off somehow, either through her looks or behavior. It’s right up there with “get into shape” or “buy and wear some sexy lingerie for him and he will want to have sex with you. ” I tried both, neither worked. Neither did submitting gracefully to his wishes in all things, all that did was lower our already low sexual frequency and make me feel like a complete doormat. Refusers at the core are selfish and will gladly trample over anyone who submits to their wishes.

            To her, you responded:

            “Yeah, I think there is a strong correlation between who leads the household and how much sex is being had in that household, and my survey suggested the same: Husband-led households have sex twice as often than wife-led households according to the respondents. Now, I will not say that this is always caused by dominant women. But it does happen”

            The context in which you presented your survey results would seem to show that you believe the more domineering the wife, the less sex in a marriage. So, a wife who wants more sex should be less domineering and they will get more sex, right? WRONG.

            Correlation does not imply causation. That is what I mean when I say that introducing a correlation between headship and frequency into this discussion of lower MALE desire and refusal is just confusing the issue.

            You then go on to quote some of your respondents, most of which I would guess are higher drive men who are gatekept/refused by their dominant wives, so that is not actually the women that she is talking about (she is saying women who want more sex than their husbands need to submit more, and women refusers do not fall into that category). Correct me if I’m wrong, and the quotes you put there are from the 3% of men in your survey that say they have a lower drive than their wife.

            I am not trying to attack you, but I am just extremely saddened by the attempt to explain away low male desire and male refusal as being caused by lack of submission from wives.

            • Yes, I agree. That’s what I meant by:

              “Now, I will not say that this is always caused by dominant women. But it does happen.”

              By that, I meant (but apparently was not clear enough) that while there are quite a few cases like this, it does not follow through that it is always the case.

              As you said, correlation does not imply causation. I never meant to imply causation by anything I said.

              I thought the entire thrust of the post was clear and I didn’t think it was necessary to expound again on the same topic on the same page, but I see I was wrong.

              You are correct, those responses are from high-drive spouses, I never meant anyone to infer otherwise.

              So, let me try this again and be perfectly clear (I hope):

              There are marriages (more than we think or know) where the husband (being male) does not want sex more than the wife (being female). His sex drive (libido) is less than hers, and instead of dealing with it, confronting the issue, or attempting to please his wife, he instead avoids sex, puts down offers/requests for sex and even insults his wife in order to push her away.

              In many cases there is absolutely nothing the wife has done to deserve, warrant, cause or otherwise bring this action/attitude to be in her husband, and there often little she can do, or say, or change, or otherwise affect this behavior.

              Don’t worry, I do not feel attacked, merely frustrated by my inability to communicate what I am thinking. I set out to bring something to light to help my sisters-in-Christ in their marriages, and, apparently, I have only succeeded in insulting one of the very people I was trying to help.

              • In reply to submissive wife, while I totally understand that men who feel castrated by their wives dominance are likely to not desire sex, sadly your comments are exactly why the average christian women with a low drive husband doesn’t bring up the issue. Because they end up with accusations of “oh the problem must be you aren’t submitting enough”.

                But it is actually an incorrect view of submission that leads to some of the huge problems for christian women who are being refused. They are told (incorrectly) that they should submit to their husbands in bed, and if their husbands rarely want sex, they should just shut up and put up with it. Which is wrong – the bible teaches that the man’s body belongs to the wife (just as the wife’s body belongs to the man). That a man has a duty fo fulfil his wife sexually, and should only refuse sex (outside of a genuine inability to due anything of a sexual nature due to illness etc) by MUTUAL consent for a time of prayer.

                The problem that many man who refuse have (and is sadly backed up by many pastors and counsellors) is that they believe that a wife should just submit to his constant refusal and not every try to change the pattern of refusal.

                Refused men don’t go through this garbage. In fact, many times they get the exact opposite – both they and their wives are told, she should just submit and have sex whenever he wants. But refused women just get told they should submit to their husband’s lack of desire and not attempt to change it.

                I am aware this is a generalisation, but it’s a VERY common occurrence, and this is the first blog I have ever read by a christian man telling guys to shape up and provide for their wives’ sexual needs.

                There are a lot of submissive christian women out there who are really hurting because of being refused by their husband. Whenever they try to raise the issue with anyone, they are told just to submit to what their husband wants, and if they speak up a second time, they are told they are bad wives, bad christians etc.

                In my own marriage, I have terrible troubles with my husband’s dominance. He is not domineering – don’t misunderstand on me that. But he is stubborn, and has never been willing to submit to anyone, even when biblically he probably should have. Once he makes up his mind about something, no matter how much it makes me suffer, there is no changing his mind. He knows I will submit without argument, but there are times when I should argue and he should listen, but I realised right from the start that he won’t listen. And what is worse, is there are many issues he should be leading but he is wracked by indecision – he refuses to lead, to make decisions, but at the same time, he won’t delegate to me, even when making no decision has far worse consequences than the worst decision he could make for the situation as long as he actually made a decision.

                I have no problem with submitting – I have given up a lot for him, moving away from my family and friends, giving up not just my job but my whole career that I had spent 8 years at uni working towards because I can’t get a job in the industry due to moving half way across the country, I have given up most of my interests because he has declared we have money problems and can’t afford them, and so on. But I have no regrets about any of it. Spending two weeks away from him visiting my family is a poignant reminder that I’d rather be here with him, than have all the things I had before we got married. I would follow him anywhere, and do anything he asks that is physically within my capability of doing as long as it wasn’t immoral. All without hesitation and without regret.

                Our lack of sex has nothing to do with lack of submission. It may have something to do with the fact that he’s not taking a proper leadership role, but that is his personal decision and all I can do is encourage him to either be more decisive or to delegate to others when he feels too depressed/stressed to make a decision and one needs to be made. I don’t want to lead at all. I hate leading, despise it with a passion. In my career, I have deliberately taken lower paying jobs and jobs much below what others expected me to do with my IQ and previous education, because I don’t want to be in charge of anyone. It’s not within my personality.

                But none of that is changing our sex life. To be honest, I think if I got less submissive with our sex life, I’d get more sex, not less.

                But anyway, here I sit after a two week holiday, back 48 hours and been rejected more than a dozen times. He’d rather play stupid computer games than go to work or have sex. I mean, hey, I can understand the desire for wanting to play computer games rather than go to work, but we’re already struggling financially according to him (I think he doesn’t understand what financial struggle really is, but until you’ve been through what I went through for years, few people do understand what real struggle is), but we need him to go to work. But giving up sex after two weeks away from each other which he has spent playing computer games for 12+ hours nearly every single day, so he can play computer games? I can’t take it anymore.

                • Yes, Biblically wives are said to submit to their husbands. But in the translation we lost the CONTEXT. We are only supposed to submit to our husbands if they submit to us. If he is doing his job, which in this instance is providing for you emotionally, physically, and financially, then yes. Submit to him as he is submitting to you. Ladies, you only put him before yourself if he is putting you before himself! Because that’s what submitting really means. And of course, God should be put before all things. Now, if you want to submit just to see if he will follow suit, go ahead. But don’t stay in submission to a husband that is not leading you on the right path. What is the use in submitting to an ungodly man? What is the use in submitting to anyone who will not put you before himself? Now he has two people prioritizing him, and you have none.
                  Rant over, Butterfly Wings my heart breaks for you. I’ve been where you’re standing, and you are so resilient to keep going on. My only advice would be this- KNOW you are worth wanting. Know that God made you, and there is nothing wrong with you. Our world is corrupted and we have to live in it, but God loves you and wants you to to be happy. I would keep working on your marriage in hope and love, and pray to God about the things that bother you. In the meantime, discuss getting a job so you can take up old hobbies again. And if he doesn’t like it, well. You don’t have to submit to him if he isn’t putting your needs before his. I’m not saying you should have an argument about it, but you are WORTH standing up for. Maybe try to find less expensive hobbies? is pretty fun. You can try cooking, knitting, walking groups, etc. And as always, pray about all things and meditate in that prayer, God loves you and He will provide for you if you rely on Him.
                  God Bless

                  • That is not consistent with the rest of scripture, as I read it. I explain this more thoroughly in . I’d welcome your thoughts on the verses I highlight in that post.

                  • Thanks Riotgrrl. A year later things are better. He’s now on medication and is a lot less anxious and better at making decisions. Sex life has only improved a little. It’s more that I changed antidepressants so I have as little interest as he does. So even though it still bothers me that we are only having sex 2-3 times a month, I don’t get the horrible physical cravings for sex. I still want it, but I don’t have the overwhelming physical need for it. I still do most of the initiating, and still get rejected most of the time, but since I don’t initiate as much, I’m not getting rejected as much so it hurts less.

                    I do have a job, unfortunately I don’t make any money by working. The way the tax, welfare and childcare systems are set up in Australia means women who return to work after having a baby can often end up working for nothing or actually losing money. We’re in the losing money category until I finish my graduate year and can (hopefully) get a job with set shifts instead of a rotating roster and will get higher pay.

                    It’s funny the interests you suggest because two out of three are ones I’ve had to give up due to the cost ie cooking for fun and knitting/crocheting. And walking is out because I need knee replacements. The hobbies I gave up the ones I used to do for my health like swimming.

                    I don’t need hobbies though. My time is taken up with the kids and work (and study that goes with work). I just want more sex. Everything else is going well.

                  • The context by which submitting your husband is used in the bible is simply meaning a spirital submission. The husband is to lead his houshold spiritually. The wive is submit under his Keyword “Godly” leadership. Listen dear sisters, if a husband is not a Godly man and does not love you as Christ loved His church and treat you as if you are an extension of himself and lead your household in a Godly manner guiding his family toward Christ then you in turn have to become that leader in which your children should submit to your spiritual leadership. Many men will try to take this scripture out of it’s context and use it as a dominate tool against their wives who are trying to please the Lord. Dont fall into that category. God is the head and then the husband only if he is following the ways of the Lord, and if he is not, then it becomes your responsibility to your children to teach them the ways of God and bring them up as God fearing and God loving individuals.

                    • Have to completely disagree with you on this one. This ignores 1 Peter 3:1-2.

                      Of course, if your husband tells you to do something against God, of course you need to listen to God first. But to decide to reject what God said about husband and wives so that you only have to follow a “godly” man. That’s … well … blasphemous.

                  • please re-read this statement you made …. “We are only supposed to submit to our husbands if they submit to us.”

                    So has to submit first for this formulaic pattern to work? When will I be a good enough or perfect enough servant leader for my wife to submit to me. In reality I am loving, cherishing, providing for, etc my wife because of what Christ has done for me not because my wife is worthy or conversely because I am truly worthy of my wife’s love and submission.

                    No where does scripture state we should ever follow in submission one who is leading us into spiritually bankrupt paths ie threesomes, not paying taxes, cheating, truly ungodly actions.

        • YES! Spot on! When I let him have his way, we had sex maybe 10-12 times a year, and it was AWFUL! I was the submissive wifey through and through, and I think it turned him off more than anything. I told him that I cannot wait for him to initiate, that it was killing our marriage. It’s gotten better, I would say our frequency is about 40+ a year, or about once every 1 1/2 weeks. I need it about 2 times a week, and he said he could go with every 2 weeks.
          I guess I have to humble myself that he has some sort of disability where he just doesn’t feel like it, and that I have to initiate. (And he dies have bipolar, and takes meds, though he and his doctor swear up and down that the meds have no bearing on his sex drive. I doubt it.

          • Kat may I ask specifically what med he is on? I don’t know of any bipolar knows where sexual dysfunction is NOT a common potential side effects and I know my psych meds well and truly. it’s not a guaranteed side effect (and some meds are better than others), but it’s definitely possible with 99% of them. Also, do you know his history of interest in sex before meds?

            Although keep in mind, both depression and mania can lower sex drive sex. Most people when manic want it more, but in others it can actually lower sex drive because they are too caught up in their mania to think about sex.

            I have the exact same situation, except thankfully at the moment I feel so sick from being pregnant I can cope with once a week, but still, I get sick of doing most of the initiating.

            I too need it at least twice a week normally and it’s hard to cope with. Hubby has been honest if it were up to him, he’d only do it about once a month. Thankfully it looks like antidepressants are helping slightly with that.

            But please don’t settle for the current situation. If it his meds, that can be changed. If it his bipolar, he should be able to get help for it. And if it’s neither, then it’s some issue inside of him that can (and should be) addressed.

            Praying for you mate.

          • Most meds dealing with anything psychological have a sexual side effect. But, as ButterflyWings said, the bipolar comes with it’s own set of sexual side effects as well.

            I’m glad to hear it’s gotten better!

        • This is true, I use to ask for sex all the time 2 or more times a day. But after Bering refused and being hurt I thought I’ll just stop. That will make him want me more. But it hasn’t we just have even less sex and now It’s all about him, because He gets it less he finishes faster and I haven’t even got reved up yet and then oh great no more sex for how long… 1 week, 2 a month. I’m so over this Shit, I started gaining weight because I’m depressed and then I thing great now he will want me even less. I love my husband but I’m destroying myself because of this. How do I forget about his issues and make me more important again?

      • Don’t kid yourself, I’ve been a stay at home mum for the past 7 years, I relinquished control a long time ago, willingly I might add, and became an old fashioned wife & mother. Sadly I have a very poor sex life. My husband complains about the burden he has being the sole provider, that it puts too much pressure on him. He now hardly ever touches me and I’ve literally and pathetically begged him to want me. I now wish I hadn’t relinquished control, I’m trying to regain my life, and heading quickly toward a divorce. I am devastated by his betrayal of our love. I am not unattractive, I haven’t lost my figure even after 2 children, I keep myself fit, healthy and well groomed. I am a very confident positive person, but I find it hard to be happy around him anymore. I have tried everything, from leaving him be, to caring for him emotionally, and the obvious to no avail. We have even tried counselling. He claims he wants to as much as I do, yet never initiates. I am tired of being his maid and child minder. I am married not dead, I need sex just as much as I ever did. It is nice to see this problem being acknowledged for a change. Like the writer said, Men have excuses for not wanting it, women aren’t allowed to. It’s always the woman’s fault whether she wants it or not. As usual, women are treated unequal to our male counterparts. It is not O.K to neglect your wife, emotionally or physically. It’s that simple. If you do, don’t be surprised when she asks you for a divorce.

        • Did you ever find out what the root cause of his not initiating is? Could it possibly be medical? It would be a shame to divorce over something he’s not aware he has control over, especially when it could be resolved.
          I’d urge you to continue fighting for your marriage. Divorce will harm you, your husband and your children for the rest of your lives, and will likely affect your future grandchildren, their spouses and their children.

          • yes I did, he has been thinking about his ex (from 14yrs ago)sexually and using it to satisfy himself without me for the majority of our marraige. I never thought a betrayal of the heart would hurt so much. It didn’t hurt this much when my Mother died. Now I know why he can’t even look at me when he kisses me.

    • Wow this response is just perfect and really speaks to me. It gives me hope that when we finally move out of living with my parents and into our first home together I can let my husband finally have some more control and dominance and say in our choices. I am definitely a control freak , I admit that, but its been so hard not to seem ALWAYS in control when we live with my parents and family (only choice we had whilst saving and building our home)

    • I’m one of those men that refuses his woman. Our sex life was good until we moved in together… then I started to avoid having sex with her. I feel horrible when she tries to initiate and then goes to bed alone, crying herself to sleep. She felt like it was something about herself that was the issue. I told her over and over that it was me… which I believed until the past few days. I’m not cheating on her-physically or emotionally, I’m fully heterosexual, and have a high sex drive… just lately I prefer to take care of that, myself. heh

      She has a VERY dominant personality, everything has to be how she wants and when she wants. She is loud, demanding, confrontational, quick to argue, and stubborn… a little OCD, as well.

      Me, I’m laid back. I like to do things at my own pace. I’m not one to be confrontational and I don’t fuss over little things. However, I can be extremely stubborn and will not budge when someone tries to control me. Which, with her dominant personality, is like an unstoppable force hitting an immovable object.

      I started thinking about how it may be her dominant personality that is subconsciously causing me to have no interest. In nature, several examples of how submissive and dominant behaviors, or even aggressiveness and passiveness, effects mating in other creatures. I started searching on google for any scientific research on that and ended up here.

      I think Submissive Wife nailed it, at least in my scenario.

      Showing her Submissive Wife’s post and then her changing those parts of her personality? Highly unlikely.

      So what can I do on my part to diminish those conflicting traits of hers?

      • Hey Joe, thanks for commenting.
        Well, first thing, you can’t change your spouse. But, from what I’m seeing in your comment, that’s all you want to do. You seem unwilling to look at yourself and see what you can change.
        What if, instead of being an extremely stubborn, immovable object, you instead learned to be a bit more accepting and tolerant? Your comment looks like it could be paraphrased to say “I like my difficult personality more than my wife.”

        Then, when you’ve shown your wife how mature you can be, how much you love her, that you’re willing to grow for her…then she may be willing to take the same steps and mature herself and be less controlling.

  • Thank you for the excellant article and research. I think the refused wife numbers may be even higher than that. Form small group discussions my wife and I have found that for the wife, being refused is so embarasssing and/or humilating, that most will not even talk about it. So yes, they suffer in silence. Some men simply don’t get it that if they prefer to watch a TV program when their wife would like to make love – they’re refusing her. Worse, they’re ‘ranking’ her and their marriage in importance in their life. TV first – wife second. Then when the husband finally does show up for bed, wife is by this point too tired – yet he claims that he was the one refused!! This is a personal example of my refusal. Only when called out about it in marriage counseling, did I realize what I was doing. Up until that point – I would never have accepted the title of refuser.

    • Thank you that additional perspective and for being willing to admit it. Having the will to deal with it and turn the situation around seems to be rare.

    • Was reading an article a few days ago from some aussie university. Uni of Sydney maybe? Where they did a proper research study recently and found 1 out of 6 relationships involved the woman having a higher sex drive. And a big chunk of the others involved either equal drive, or equal no drive. So I’d say when it comes to being refused, it may not be 50/50, but that still means a LOT of the people being refused are women.

  • Oh, I like that deelmo. That’s very true. I have to admit we have a “window” of opportunity over here. It’s not that I’m denying him, ever actually, and he knows this but I do need my sleep and after a certain point the window will close. Somehow he always makes the window in time :-) It comes down to priorities from both the husband and wife.

    • Yeah, I don’t initiate sex after 11pm, it’s just too hard on my wife the day after. But, sometimes she will initiate after 11pm (I function fine on little sleep, so that’s never an issue).

  • Yeah, men don’t seem to have a problem with that, what’s the saying, something about a man will always choose sex over sleep… :-)

    • That seems a bit insensitive Jessica, considering the topic of this blog post. It is exactly that kind of mindset and attitude that causes us “unicorns” to suffer in silence.

  • I had no intention of being insensitive. First, you are correct, my comment probably does not line up accurately with the post but I was responding to Jay Dee, not necessarily everyone. Second, I didn’t make up the saying, only repeating it. And third, I understand as well as anyone what it feels like to suffer in silence having had a terminally ill husband for three years, in my thirties ,and yes, I was a wife who did enjoy sex and could not have it due to his medical condition. I didn’t mean to be offensive, I apologize if it came across that way.
    Jessica recently posted..The Day That Changed It AllMy Profile

  • I know you didn’t mean anything by it, but this is a poignant example of one of those stereotypes in our society that we repeat without thinking.

    The fact is, not all men would always choose sex over sleep. Some men will always choose sleep over sex, and its more than the world is ready to admit. Likewise, there are many more women that will choose sex over sleep than is commonly accepted as well.

    I think we need to do our best to challenge these stereotypes, instead of continuing them, and I think the hardest part, as this shows, is that its so pervasive, that we often aren’t even aware that we’ve done it. Its going to take a while for society, and that means all of us, to shift this thinking.

    • My husband frequently chooses sleep over sex. Although it may be because he plays computer games til the early hours of the morning (and sometimes the later hours of the morning) and only gets off the computer when he is too tired to keep his eyes open anymore.

  • As a medical professional, I have to point out that other issues with the man not wanting sex as much as the wife could be physiological. Low testosterone, depression, too little sleep or lack of quality sleep or poor diet could all lead to decreased sex drive- regardless of who’s dominant and who’s submissive.

    I don’t know the age range of your audience, so the following assumes a couple in their 40s-mid-50s. When women reach their 40s they often have more energy (especially once they get their hormones under control if they’re menopausal) as their children are likely grown or typically more self-sufficient, they’ve probably got the birth control thing figured out- likely through vasectomy or tubal ligation, and they’re finally getting comfortable in their skin. Women at this age are often highly motivated to change their negative habits- eat better, exercise more, relax more- basically take good care of themselves. All of these can contribute to her being more revved up for sex at a time when her husband’s drive may be lowering.

    This is the time when if we don’t get serious about our health, real problems start happening. Men, in general, aren’t the health leaders in the home (even if they are head of their household) and they lag behind their wives in turning things around. They also may be working long hours and be exhausted. Sleep apnea could be an issue- where they may be clocking enough hours, they’re not getting good, quality rest. Also, in the 40s-50s, testosterone levels may dip. While women are used to seeking hormonal help around menopause, men aren’t likely to seek help or even know it could be an issue. And many men wouldn’t even think about discussing sex problems with their physician.

    So- when I said women’s dominance over their husbands could be a culprit, clearly it’s not the only one.

    I’m in a marriage where the health issues have all been addressed- we eat well, sleep well, exercise regularly, give each other “me” time to be alone, with friends, etc, and have our hormones regulated. So, for ME, becoming submissive has had a subtle, yet profound, effect on our relationship. It’s taken a great marriage and is making it absolutely rock solid.

    Another factor that I didn’t mention, and others have, is that not every man is cut out to be the leader. Some have little ambition or vision and are not likely to change- not that they can’t, it just doesn’t seem to be in their nature. It’s also possible that they have a lack of self-confidence because no one’s ever believed in them and given them the authority that could bring out the leader in them. Who knows? There are all kinds of reasons.

    It’s critical WHO we choose to marry. I was married before and made a very poor choice. He was someone I could never see myself being submissive to because I had no confidence he would be a strong leader and make decisions in our best interest. His character was weak, and mine wasn’t much better. Of course, this is looking back. At the time, I never considered the dominant-submissive roles.

    When I married the second time, I was very careful what kind of man I chose, and worked hard to improve myself so I could be a wife deserving of such a husband. I chose well. He is a great leader, not perfect, but always has our best interests in mind. He has a solid character. I am proud to be submissive to him. I just wish it hadn’t taken me over 15 years to realize how critical this is to our happiness and the health of our family.

    Admittedly, we had a pretty good sex life before, but right now we both feel like newlyweds and from what I’ve heard from other dominant/submissive marriages, that often continues- in other words, the honeymoon period doesn’t wear off. Time will tell- as for right now, we are thoroughly enjoing ourselves.

    • I don’t buy the physiological issue. I have fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, riddled with tendonitis, tendinopathy, osteoarthritis and other issues through nearly all my joints, diabetes, hormonal imbalances, thyroid issues that won’t settle despite being on medication, genetic severe vitamin and mineral deficiences that aren’t well controlled even with supplements, chronic severe pain from injries that multiple operations have failed to fix, sleep apnoea, obesity and more things that aren’t coming to me right now, as well as being pregnant, got really bad morning sickness, constant headaches from the hormones and just generally feeling yuck. I also have PTSD which includes dealing with major depression, anxiety, low self esteem and horrible body image issues. I have been a victim of rape and sexual assault, and my first husband was a violent monster who stalked me for years after our separation

      But despite all that, I manage to still want sex every day when not pregnant, and nearly every day since being pregnant (and I’d still want it every day if I wasn’t so revolting sick all the time).

      I can understand low testosterone being a reason to not initiate sex, but not to constantly refuse. And as for depression, having a spouse desiring you and constantly telling you how great you are should make things better and shouldn’t lead to refusal. And lack of sleep? Between my fibromyalgia and sleep apnoea, I’m constantly in a daze of exhaustion, but it doesn’t stop me. Lack of sleep is just a poor excuse.

      Female refusers aren’t allowed these excuses, so I don’t see them as valid excuses for men either. Low testosterone even… thats not a valid reason to refuse, only an understandable reason not to initiate. And it’s something that no man has any right to hide behind. It’s easily diagnosed and treated, and men like my husband who refuse to get tested because it’s an “insult to their manhood” to even suggest they have low testosterone, annoy me because it’s silly and selfish and just bad for themselves, with the medical consequences of untreated low testosterone, not just for their sex life. I too am a healthcare professional, and I get tired of being refused and having hubby getting really angry at me on the few occasions I nicely ask him to go get tested and treated. But he thinks he knows better than me. I only spent nearly the entire last decade (more than 15 years if you count my previous studies in science and psychology) studying the human body and human sexuality and sexual dysfunction. But hey what would I know right?

  • I would give anything to make love with my husband more than once maybe twice a week.
    Not sure I can say I’m being rejected because it’s his work hours which make him so extremely tired during the week, but it still hurts all the same.
    I am 48 and he is 58, and due to blood pressure meds needs vit. V to help things along.
    I definitely have a higher drive and have cried to him about my need of more sexual intimacy with him.
    And so tonight I sit here alone crying, again, while he has gone to bed at 7:30.
    I have prayed for a diminished drive and I only once in a blue moon allow myself to initiate, which is always turned down. I’m trying so hard to ignore my sexual desire.

    We only make love during the weekend and usually on Saturday mornings, then if I’m lucky again on Sunday morning. But he shared too that it is hard for him physically to make love more than every few days.

    I try hard not to pleasure myself during the week, but it gets so hard not to when I’m in the mood and nothing happens. And please don’t start on me about the wrong of doing that.
    My desire gets so strong, and yes, at times I share my desire with my husband, but if he’s tired, he’s tired.
    And then of course, the guilt. I should be more understanding of him being tired, but honestly, after a week of no sexual intimacy it gets hard to keep my focus where it should…that he provides for us allowing me to stay home, that he is a good, loving man and always makes sure I’m taken care of in the bedroom when we do make love. He is not selfish sexually at all, just not that interested.

    So, it is not always the man being refused and if it is maybe he should really make sure he is not being selfish in the bedroom so that his wife actually wants to make love again and again.

    Sorry this is more of a rant than anything really intelligible. Just so tired of hearing how I need to be more submissive, respectful and give better blowjobs so he will want me more. ;(

    • You can rant away. I hope this is and can be a safe place for people to do so.

      Thank you for sharing your story, though I’m sure it was hard to do. A lot of what you wrote resonates with me, because I’ve been through it with the genders flipped.

      And I understand the frustration of being told to be more submissive, respectful, give better blow-jobs, etc. and it not working. I tried the version for guys of: be more loving, do more housework, help out with the kids more, without any success.

      Yes, those things can help in some situations (probably many situations, or else people wouldn’t keep saying this works), but in cases where the refusing spouse doesn’t think there is an issue, or doesn’t want to confront the issue, or is just being selfish, it’s not going to make any difference at all.

      And I’m willing to bet that with his main excuse being that he’s too tired from work, you’re holding out on the hope that when he retires, things will improve (and I sincerely hope they do!). I had a similar hope. I had basically given up on having a sex life until my wife hit her sexual peak mid-thirties, or whenever it might happen for her. I had basically give up hope of sex with my wife by age 25.

      I prayed for the diminished drive, I prayed for her increased drive, I even prayed for Jesus to come back sooner so I don’t have to deal with the pain of rejection anymore (yep, end the world, I’m suffering enough).

      And I know how hard it is to keep your hands off of yourself, because we were made to be sexual, and without an outlet, when you are in a marriage, which was designed to BE the outlet, it’s incredibly hard to resist that part of yourself, and I don’t think we were ever designed to resist it. I believe it is only because of sin that we have circumstances where we do have to learn to resist that temptation. And I know that God will give us the strength to resist temptation, but it’s so hard to give up that control to him.

      In your case, if I could be so bold, may I offer a suggestion, realizing I don’t really know enough to have even a guess at whether this would work in your marriage:

      Can you ask your husband to participate in your masturbation? That way, he doesn’t have to do all the physical “work”, just be with you, hold you, share that bond. I mean, I’m not that interested in gardening, but if my wife asks me to sit outside and talk to her while she gardens, I’ll do it because she wants my company. I know, it’s not quite apples to apples, but if you haven’t asked, it’s worth a shot, maybe?

      • Thank you for the reply. I’m not quite as emotional today as I was last night, LOL!

        This is a second marriage for both my husband and I. I was married for 20 years to an abusive man. And suffice it to say, there was no lovemaking, just sex done his way from what he had observed through porn and absolutely no pleasuring me on his part at all. Never. It was my “problem”.

        My husband is a wonderful loving man who loves me so deeply. We have a very special relationship. We are soul mates.
        Our lovemaking is amazing, when we get the chance or maybe, make the time.
        His work hours see him up at 3am, home by 5pm and usually in bed no later than 8pm. My two teen sons live with us and so that can make it hard to get any alone time. Plus, my husband is just plain tired.
        So, usually it Saturday mornings as I mentioned above and usually again on Sunday morning.

        This morning he of course was ready and willing, but I had to be somewhere early so I knew it was going to have to be quick…in other words, just for him since the ticking clock was going to make it very hard for me to O very quickly.
        I honestly was feeling a little resentful this morning because I had been in the mood the last few nights, but nothing happened. So, after saying a silent prayer that my resentment would fade and I would be content in not having an O, I started pleasuring my husband. He honestly does not like to finish unless I’ve O’d but this morning when he said he could wait until later, I told him I wanted him to finish.
        Afterwards I was starting to feel resentful again and a little sad, because the chances of us doing anything tonight are small since it’s hard for him to come again so soon.
        So I pretty much just jumped out of bed and was silent for a while. Then before I had to leave, I tried to apologize for my poor behavior. I explained that as much as I really wanted to pleasure him I felt sad that it would be a while before we made love again and was feeling selfish that I didn’t get to O too.
        His response was that later tonight he was going to make sure I was completely pleasured. Well, we’ll see…likely he’s going to be tired from doing work around the house.

        I guess I’m embarrassed about asking my husband to just be with me while I masturbate. He doesn’t know that every once in a while I do it. But you are right that God will give me the strength to resist that temptation if I just ask Him to. And lately I really haven’t even wanted to, I’ve kind of gotten to where I don’t care much anymore whether I O, at least not by myself, so maybe that’s a good thing.

        Anyway, another long rant…I really enjoy reading your blog…

        • I’m OK with long rants, often I feel most of my posts are just long rants.

          I want to strongly encourage you to request that he help you/be with you for masturbation. I know it’s uncomfortable to start and even to bring up, it took us a long time to get used to it. In fact, I couldn’t even orgasm the first…I don’t know how many times.

          But once you do get used to it, it’s nice having that option there for those times when he can’t commit to full-out sex.

  • I am in a slightly different camp than.refused wives, but it is just as painful. I call myself a denied wife. A denied wife is a wife who wants sex (with an orgasm) and gets sex, but her husband will not ensure her an orgasm. I get frustrated because people say that I should just masturbate, use a toy, or refuse him until he figures it out. Or they say I shouldn’t let him enter me until he gives me an orgasm orally or manually. Easier said than done and I certainly don’t feel right returning tit for tat…refusal for denial. He can be a refuser,

    It is annoying to constantly read that I should be more submissive, do more for hubby, dress more for him, seduce him, give him all the sex he wants, refuse him all the sex he wants, demand from him, lay ultimatum like boundaries, don’t dress for him….blah blah blah. None of it works when it is a heart issue within him. You can’t manipulate out a heart issue.

    Plus, if we learned anything from refusing spouses and their refused spouses, it is all eccuses anyway. If you helped with the kids more, I’d be up for sex. So he completely takes over child care in the evening and she still says not tonight. We read about it over and over.

    When I confronted hubby he said, “fine, I won’t do it (refuse me in favor of masturbating)any more. Why are. you still crying? I said I’d stop!”. I said, “because your heart hasn’t changed.”

    • Sadly, I’ve been here as well, in a way.

      We had a long period (a couple years) where sex was painful for my wife (we didn’t know about lube, it hurt her, so she tensed up, which made it hurt, endless cycle). We hadn’t introduced mutual masturbation into our marriage yet or toys, and so, I would give her an orgasm manually or orally, afterwards, she would say “sorry honey, which there was something I could do for you”, roll over and go to sleep.

      I doubt the refuser ever wants to be a refuser (or denier), they just think they can’t or shouldn’t have to do whatever it is they should be doing. In my wife’s case, she didn’t feel she had the confidence or experience or anything to return the favour for fear of failure, so she just didn’t even want to try.

      She wasn’t being malicious, I’m not even sure you can call it selfish, in our case, but it hurt all the same, and at the time it certainly felt like she was being selfish, and I felt very cheated.

      • My husband flat out told me 3 times that he doesn’t like bringing me to pleasure. He doesn’t like manual or oral sex and only wants intercourse. He used to bring me to pleasure once in a while and was successful and always praised, but stopped. He told me, “but you always want it!”.

        I wish I understood. He won’t let me give him oral, either. I miss that. I asked why and he said that it just doesn’t turn him on, but I remember him directing me diwnward to give him oral or moving upward during missionary to give him oral. The last time he gave me oral was voluntary on his part and he really seemed to enjoy it. I don’t know what changed. He won’t say.

        • If I was in your shoes, I’d want to snap at his (sorry for the bluntness) really stupid comment of “but you always want it”, something like “well you always want to orgasm so what makes you so special that you think you should have it every time and I shouldn’t???”.

          But I know that only makes things worse not better.

          I do understand him with the whole not wanting oral sex. At least that’s the one thing hubby and I agree on. Beither of us like it or want it.

  • I just cannot put into words how humiliating and demoralising it is to be an unwanted wife. I mean guys are always up for it, aren’t they?

    I have a husband who truly loves me, he shows this in many many ways, he just doesn’t WANT me. he doesn’t notice me sexually has no interest in lingerie, or watching me undress, he doesn’t have any fantasies, doesn’t want to try new things I could go on for half a page about the things he isn’t interested in.

    Now he will make love to me, but 90% of the time I initiate and approx 2/3rd of those fail as he just isn’t interested.
    If I tell him I am really really in need he will make love with me simply because he loves me, but I never get the passion or heat, it leaves me feeling he is fulfilling a husbandly obligation, after such a session I maybe physically satisfied but often feel empty and sort of disgusted with myself that I actually coerced him into something he didn’t want. I love that he tries but hate that he actually has to try.

    I cannot count the amount of nights I laid there in tears simply unable to sleep.

    Instead of feeling I am desirable or wanted, I am left feeling there must be wrong with me that my own husband doesn’t desire me.

    • Apple, I am sitting here literally trying to hide the tears with my husband sitting less than a metre from me. I could have written word for word what you wrote. Every thing you said about your husband, every emotion you said you feel is my exact situation.

      As soon as I write one more email, I am heading off to bed to cry myself to sleep after 48 hours of constant rejection after two weeks away from each other. Short of begging like a dog, he wouldn’t have sex with me tonight. We have sunk to sex less than once a fortnight, he barely goes to work once a week, yet he still stubbornly insists his depression isn’t that bad, that he doesn’t low testosterone (hasn’t been checked! refuses to get tested), and that I am the freak for expecting we should be having sex at least 2-3 times a week.

      It is even worse, that for me this is the second marriage that I have been rejected, albeit just in different ways. For my first husband, having sex twice a day wasn’t enough for him, even though he could have had it so much more if he wasn’t out doing drugs to the early hours of the morning with his deadbeat mates literally every day. He had dozens of long term mistresses and hundreds of casual sex partners (male and female). Nothing I gave him was ever enough. Even things that I found disgusting (eg oral sex), even things that I found agony painful (eg anal sex, especially after severe tearing that hasn’t healed properly even a decade later), nothing no matter how dirty, painful and degrading was enough for him. I was never enough for him.

      And now I have a husband who rejects me altogether and never wants sex, and for a while there we even got up to twice a week, most weeks, but even then, it was only to shut me up, not because he wanted sex. I can only remember once having sex that he actually wanted.

      I’m too tired and sick to keep trying anymore. I guess I should be grateful that he actually finally gave me sex at the right time after months so that we have a baby on the way, and accept that he will never desire me or even try to meet me even half way or quarter way of fulfilling any of my desire and should resign myself to the fact I’m fat, ugly and annoying and no man will ever want me that way. I’m too tired to keep trying anymore

      • ButterflyWings my heart is hurting for you, I wish I had the words to bring you some comfort here.

        I will pray for you x

        • Thanks Apple. Today was a much better. I actually had a day where hubby didn’t ignore me. Having some health issues so it’s probably the worst sex we’ve ever had, but honestly I don’t care. I mentally feel so much better even though it means a trip to the doctor tomorrow. I’ve just been so worried about hubby and I can’t cope with being strong for him when he totally pushes me away physically and mentally. I’m sure tomorrow it will be back to him pushing me away, but I can cope for up to a week usually before it gets to me. And I’ve had some other hopefully good news on a non relationship issue that hopefully will help hubby feel less stressed and hopefully less anxious and depressed as a result. It won’t fix our sex life, but at least if he gets undepressed, theorectically we should go back to once a week. Still painfully refused on a near daily basis, but once a week is still better than once every 2-3 weeks. And maybe the horrible morning sickness that kicked in today (something that happens for me at the start of the second trimester) will put me off wanting it as much.

          Thank you for your prayers. I believe that is what has made the difference to my day. Prayers from lovely people I’ve opened up to online about our sex issues, and prayers from family and friends over getting a job. The job isn’t confirmed (not by a long shot) but the road block stopping me from being able to get work has been removed. Thank you so much.

          I hope and pray your situation improves soon too and that eventually things are fixed (sooner rather than later). *hugs*

    • Why does God put opposites together?

  • I have been re-reading this blog and I am honestly moved to tears by the pain displayed and badly hidden here.

    I too am happy to be submissive to my husband, we mostly discuss things anyway and if we cannot agree I defer to his wishes. I actually think it is harder for him simply because if his choice is wrong he always feels so bad.

    The only place I push against his wishes is in the bedroom, quite simply if I didn’t let him know when I am “itchy” as we call it, or if I didn’t initiate myself we would maybe make love once a fortnight or even once a month.

    I wanted to remind husbands who consistently refuse their wives, that this can lead to them feeling unfeminine and undesirable and therefore vulnerable to the attentions of predatory men.

  • Now I’ve been married just over 45 years and when first married I required more sex and intimacy than my husband. We dated for a couple of years and we never had sex, I wouldn’t let it happen. He was in the military and when he returned home things were different, it could have been he grew up more. When we got married we had sex on our wedding night, I suppose it was clumsy but I figured it would get better with practice. My husband had other thoughts , first he couldn’t sleep with me, so he slept in a chaise lounge out by the pool of our hotel. I cried just about all night, I wanted him near me, In the morning the perfect storm was brewing in his mind! I was told that he wasn’t going on our honey moon, He even suggested I go by myself and maybe I could latch on to one of the local guys. I went balistic and told I wanted him, all he said was not him. We made a mistake by getting married. So in his mind he fixed the problem, he just moved to the basement, told me sex was disgusting, messy, smelly, gross to the point of vomiting and that he didn’t want sex from me or any one else. He preferd to just do without any sex at all, he worked the midnight shift for years, all holidays, weekends, never took vacation. Being ignored all these years has made me a cold, heart less person. If it wasn’t for my shrink and doctor, I would have killed myself or my husband.

    • Wow, Amy, I have no idea what to say. That’s … well, horrible.

      Well, I’m going to give the only thoughts I have, but please understand, I’m not in your situation, so while I understand this is hard, I really have no concept of how hard.

      Regardless of circumstance, God is enough. (2 Corinthians 12:9) Do not let your husbands issues drag you down. You have value being God’s child, and He cares for you. (Psalm 139:13-16)

      I doubt you are heartless, but I believe you are heart broken. (Psalm 34:18, 1 Peter 5:7) Draw closer to God, He can heal you if you let Him. (Jeremiah 17:14)

      I will be praying for you.

      • Jay, these are great scriptures to encourage someone but when you’ve been rejected by someone who said they will honour you with their body, and then reject you sexually is very hard to come to terms with….

  • I am a 25 year old wife of three years. I have never put any of this out for anyone to know, but i am so tired of hurting. I cry myself to sleep constantly beside a husband who doesnt even know. He has no interest in sex, it will be as long as 2-3 weeks inbetween each session, i start it every time and i am often refused. All i can think anymore is, im in a marraige where my husband does not want me. And im only 25. This has caused me to heed to the affections of other men, for which i deeply regret. I do not know how to fix this, i am losing hope as the days go by and have no idea how i can make it through a marraige with no intimacy. I feel like he is my best friend and my roomate, no longer are we lovers.

    • Hi Jess,

      I wish I had an answer for you. I do have a couple of directions to point you in though.
      1) Check out It is a Christian community with support for Christian marriages. There is a section there for people who are married to refusers. You aren’t alone. Some of the wives there might have insight better than any I could offer.
      2) Has your husband gotten his testosterone checked? This is often a primary cause of low-drive males.

      Lastly, don’t give up hope. I know many marriages where it took years to resolve this issue. It can still turn around.

    • Waoh..Jess you are 25..i’m glad you at least get sex 2-3 weeks. i’ve been married for 18 months and i can count the number of times i’ve had sex. 4 times in 2013 and may be 6 times during our first 6 months of marriage…..i’m 42 and my husband is 47. i want children he now says that he doesnt children. you are young. i understand exactly how you feel sleeping next to a man who is fast asleep while you are crying….we are room mates for sure….sorry but you will need to decided soon what to do with your marriage. you are too young to go through this for the next 80 years1111

      • @Ellie. Jesus was too young to go through what He went through – age has nothing to do with choosing self over life or death of a marriage.
        Robyn Gibson recently posted..What Purpose Does a Godless Marriage Serve?My Profile

        • Hi Robyn
          Thanks for your response but I dont quite follow through what you mean? Jesus was too young.

          Which person can live with a man for a lifetime without their sexual needs being met? Unless they both married for every other reason apart from sex…or they have been married before and they are in their 80s and 90s. I meants its tough to contemplate a lifetime without love..

          If ive misunderstood what you meant then im sorry.

          • No apology necessary Anonymous. I was responding to Ellie’s counsel for Jess to give up on her marriage and choose self instead of carrying a cross for her brother in Christ. Jesus didn’t give up and abandon us. Yet this counsel advises someone to say, “ouch God You cannot help me – this cross that YOU have laid on me is just too heavy.” it is a victim mentality and is powerless as such.
            Robyn Gibson recently posted..Are You Timid & Afraid?My Profile

  • Thank you for bringing this information to light and for helping break this stereotype. It is so hurtful to hear things like “a man will always choose sex over sleep”, expect that your husband will pursue and desire bc sex is listed as a man’s greatest need in every marriage blog and book, to hear jokes about wives never desiring sex, to feel un-desirable. The rejecting, non-pursuing husbands need to understand what hit their wives are taking in self-esteem and thinking she is ugly to you. So hard to admit in any circle bc it is admitting your husband is less than as a man in society’s eyes and standards and you are less than as a woman. where as a man being refused can still hold onto his masculine dignity.

    • You’re very welcome. I hope one day it becomes something more socially acceptable to talk about so that marriages like yours can start to heal.

  • i have a question. i read about low testosterone in men and women…does anyone know any good herbal medicine that i can try to use for my husband because he will not go to see a GP? i think he has a problem but as most of us know men don’t like GP’s…

    i’m at the end about to end my marriage because i waited until i was 39 before i had sex. i wanted to wait until i got married.. i though God would honour that and give me a happy marriage but look at me…i’m so unhappy!!!!

  • I have been married for 10 years and have 2 children 9and 6 both boys. My husband is 49 and I am 43. We have not had sex in a years and I keep giving excuses for him but I have come to the end of my rope. He has blood presssure, pinched nerve, and shoulder problems. I asked him what is wrong but he has no answer. Can you give me some idea please I am a basket case and I don’t want to end my marriage I still love him and he say he does too so what is wrong!

  • I am also only 25 years old and my husband is 27. We have been married 6 years and have three children. I would love to have sex everyday but my husband is fine with once a week or less. I do feel shame as a woman and i feel very unattractive that my husband who is only in his 20s would rather sleep or watch tv than have sex with me. I thought my husband getting a vasectomy would make frequency better but it has only gotten worse since his surgery back in december. Just last week he had vacation for 9 days and we only had sex three times (which is a huge number for him). He also shows no affection, no flirting, and doesn’t speak affectionately towards me. I don’t know what to do. I try to show him affection and love with actions and words but he doesn’t respond. He is for sure the head of the household and enjoys his role but when it comes to sex he just isn’t interested except when he initiates about once a week. I try to initiate throughout the week (with saying something naughty, putting his hand on my body, or touching his penis, etc.) but he doesn’t care. It has been this way for almost three years. Then when we finally do have sex he just wants to get it over with and i end up feeling like a garbage bin where he just deposits his load and nothing else. It feels hopeless. Just wanted to let other women know they are not alone and to break the silence.

  • My heart breaks for Tammy and Anonymous. It definitely messes with your mind when your man doesn’t initiate. I am married for 3 years and we have a 14 year age difference (34 and 48). I initiate 90% of the time and thankfully he is receptive and sex is great. But the fact that he never reaches for me kills me inside. I’ve never felt less sure of myself in a relationship and don’t feel wanted in my marriage because he never starts sex. I’ve cried and begged repeatedly. We are going to therapy. He finally admitted that he is afraid of having performance issues and he has struggled with low testosterone. It really broke my heart. Hopefully the therapist can help us. It definitely makes you feel like less of a woman when you’re man doesn’t reach for you. Husbands if you read this, make sure your wife knows she is sexually desired by taking action! Otherwise you are putting your marriage in a very risky place.

  • I’ve been married going on 46 years and my husband and I had sex one time in all these years. He hated sex and the thought of having sex with me was gross and inhuman. We never had alot of money, just enough to live on. I could only get low paying jobs. So he worked day and night, we had no kids he hated kids. He lived his life in our basement where he ate and slept. I grew lonely and depressed, but I had to keep moving forward. Finally after years I just gave up with him, he didn’t care about me there was no communication or love. I was stupid and it was my own fault for not leaving him, I only stayed because I haven’t any personal money. Being in my mid 60’s doesn’t help me no where to go. No one should feel sorry about me because I’m just as much at fault he is. I should have moved on in my life. Any one stuck in a no life marriage and has tryed every thing to fix there marriage should just move on.

  • I also have been refused. I ve been married for 8 yrs and in the past 4 years our see life as. Beeb decreasing . He hardly makes love to me always tired or waits after I ve slept b4 coming to bed. The sad thing is that we are yet to have children which we desire. He is 42 yrs and I am 36yrs. Some times I suspects he is fooling around with other women, my reason are as follows.
    1. He has his own coy, ie he can decide to close at any time
    2. He stays out late to abt 10pm to 11pm with unknown friends
    3. He does bring his friends home hence I don’t known his friends
    4. When going. Out doesn’t disclose his destination.

    Right now he sleeping while I cannot sleep because I am see starved. He initiates wen he feels like and stay for another 2 weeks or more. I noticed that when ever we make love is errection is some how week. The question is he depressed or he is cheating on me.

  • All I’ve been asking for/praying for is a husband. Ex was unfaithful, twice. I so want to be married. Single Women who do not ‘put out’ are being ignored by the men in the USA. Sadly, the only ones who seem to pursue/desire marriage & contact me the most on line dating sites are Muslim men!

  • I’m the guy who doesn’t want sex but it’s the opposite of what you are telling everyone here. In fact, my story completely destroys most of your assumptions. Most of my male friends have come to the same point I have in regard to sex, so much so that I feel compelled to share this in the hope that woman may understand how damaging they are to our love and sexual desire for them.

    I don’t want sex with my wife. It really disgusts me. My sex drive is fine and we are good friends that do a lot of fun things together. Really, none of the ‘reasons’ for me not wanting sex have anything to do with the blame you put on men.

    I’ve asked most of my male friends why they are also not wanting sex with their wives even though their sex drive is fully ON. The reason is the same over and over. Their wife ruins sex completely. The years and years of theirs wives sexual behavior has just made them completely unattractive sexually. Here are the most damaging behaviors in no particular order.

    1. Not being able to make adjustments for how men enjoy sex. Men bond over activities and not by sharing feelings or sensual behaviors. Most of us do our best to bring those parts of sex to the bedroom because we know that women need this. But, a completely steady diet of JUST sensuality and warm fuzzies ruins sex. It’s completely one sided and never scratches the real itch for men. There is this idea that wild, kinky sex isn’t connected sex. NOT TRUE. I can tell you that if you want your man to be 100% present during sex and fall head over heals for you over and over, the sex will be NOT good girl sex. I’m not talking about porn or threesomes… nothing that breaks any rules, but it will FEEL like porn sex. It will be athletic, kinky, feverish and often. There are a few men who actually don’t like this, but for the men that do, if they don’t get 50% of sex like this, you can bet that they are slowly checking out of the relationship because they never get to be men. You might as well remove all masculine activity from your mans life an replace it with bead jewelry making because this is what you are doing … all crafts and no football with blood and testosterone. If you don’t make it 50% sensual and 50% his kind of sex, he will begin to hate it.

    2. By not understanding that we need to be FEVERISHLY needed sexually. I’d rather have a tramp beg me for sex and not have it than have sex with my wife with that all to familiar, ‘I guess I could have sex’ attitude. My wife can shop the same rack at the same store every day for years and never act bored. There is no reason to act or feel this way about sex unless it’s laziness. Sex can have infinite variety if you just drop all the made up rules you have and try new things. If you REALLY think you have tried it all, then rotate back through. Things you haven’t done in years will feel new again. Men NEED to be highly sexually desired. Not just for you to open your legs once in a while.

    3. Most women I know and the men who talk to me openly say that there are two certainties about talking to their wife about sex. EVERYTHING is taken emotionally and offends them and their wives never change what they are doing upon request without punishing. If your man asks for you to sleep naked because he needs to be turned on by you rather than the hottie that he works with, then DO IT. Your man wants you to be the sexual interest in his life. If you don’t adjust to align with HIS hard wired sexual arousal triggers then you stand no chance of him desiring you at all let alone more than 90% of the other women he sees who instinctually do what men need to be turned on. Be willing to change and NOT punish for it.

    4. Be ready for sex BEFORE he asks for sex. Nothing turns a man off more than knowing sex was the furthest thing from your mind. We get that you are tired and busy, but you made time to shop or talk to your mom or friends for an hour or two on the phone. If you can’t prioritize sex, then we will stop wanting it with you. If you want your man to ask you for sex, then be ready as a matter of daily ritual. Wash up and brush your teeth or whatever it is you do as a nightly routine just in case. Don’t do it once and if he doesn’t ask, abandon the ritual, it’s about BEING a sexual person, not once in a blue moon being it.

    5. NEVER NEVER NEVER use sex to get your own way or punish. Men are testosterone filled fighters. Once you weaponize sex by using it against us, you set the rules that will destroy you. Men don’t do this consciously, but you can bet after you have hit him with weaponized sex, he will start to figure out that he can hit back and he will. Maybe not now, but one day when you have been too busy to be a wife and sex sucks because of the above points, some really hot woman will offer sex and he will be out of reasons to say no. All he will have left is bitterness at how one sided sex is in your favor – and this is how most men I know end up having affairs. They are so hurt and exhausted from trying to get you to simply be a wife and not some bastion of sexual purity that isn’t even biblical.

    6. Men are 99% visual. Get over it. We need something sexual to look at and we prefer it was you and not the woman who takes the time to dress nice, smell good and keep her weight in check. You don’t have to be a model but you DO have to keep your body within the range that your man finds attractive. You don’t even WANT to sleep with a man who can sleep with women they find unattractive. That man sleeps with anything and will forever. It’s actually a safety catch that men need to be visually attracted. Don’t go to work looking sexier than you do in your own bedroom or men will lust after women at work and be repulsed by the women in their bedroom. This is just common sense here.

    7. Bottom line here is that there are in fact men with low sex drives, but I have never met one. Every man I know that doesn’t have sex masturbates VERY regularly. Masturbation was never a replacement for sex early on, but because of their wife’s behavior, it is the much better choice now. They simply can’t stand how their wife views, acts and executes sex. Give in, make adjustments, be wild and have fun with sex if you don’t want your man to look at you like a pile of garbage wanting sex. You can’t turn a man off then expect him to want you.

    • One more thing…

      Sex has to be often enough to come close to our libido. I can’t tell you how many women think their sex life is fulfilling at once a week or so… not to mention how skewed the actual numbers a week are compared to what really happens.

      If you have sex 2 times a week when you don’t have your period, then you don’t have sex twice a week. Men are still alive that week… you have sex 1.5 times a week in this case.

      My wife will say we have sex 3 times a week when in fact we don’t even have it 1.5 times a week. During her 3 days of actual arousal, we may have it 3 times then nothing for a month. Actually KNOW how often you aren’t having sex.

      Men measure sex by how many days they AREN’T having sex. Once a week to you is 6 days a week to him… and more importantly, if you have sex once a week, potentially, you could be 13 days without sex. The golden rule for most men is every other day at a minimum. That’s most men…

      It doesn’t matter if you have sex 22 days in a row if you follow that with a long dry spells. Dry spells may actually be the #1 reason men begin to hate sex with their wives. Yes, if I had to order these by importance, dry spells would be #1 based on my personal experience and that of the men I know.

      • You’re really big on sweeping generalities, aren’t you? Considering the post, it’s amazing that managed to keep that frame.

        Where do I start? This applies to the high-drive spouse, which more often than not is the husband, but more often than you realize is the wife.
        Where do you get every other day as a general rule? We know from our surveys that 25% of husbands are happy with the current amount of sex, and that on average they are having sex 2.3 times per week, which is about one out of three days (not every other). We have others who want more who are having sex every day. There is no golden rule. I wouldn’t even say it’s most.

        And I think your view of this is highly exaggerated. I doubt there are that many high-drive men who would say they hate having sex with their wife, though I’d imagine there are a lot more low-drive men who would use that as an excuse, as many seem to be use anything as an excuse, rather than admit they don’t fit the sex-crazed male stereotype.

    • Well, since you came out swinging, I’m not going to pull any punches.

      I’m the guy who doesn’t want sex but it’s the opposite of what you are telling everyone here.

      That’s quite frequent too, but not what this post is talking about.

      In fact, my story completely destroys most of your assumptions. Most of my male friends have come to the same point I have in regard to sex, so much so that I feel compelled to share this in the hope that woman may understand how damaging they are to our love and sexual desire for them.

      Not even close. Your case is not what this post was about, and so my assumptions don’t apply at all. I’m not sure you even read the post considering you seem to have completely missed the context. Your response seems a little rude and seems to be intent on undermining and minimizing a very real issue in many marriages (regardless of common issues your group of friends seem to have in their own marriages, yours included).

      I have a few issues with some of your points as well:
      Point 1) Why does sensual sex have to be for the wife and “kinky” sex have to be for the husband? I think my wife and I enjoy both just as well, and I know that’s the case in other marriages also.
      Point 2) A feverish response is a need? No, I don’t think so. I think your expectations are wrong. Stop getting sex advice from porn. Women tend to have a more responsive drive, less pro-active. It’s your job to invite her to react. You can turn “I guess I could have sex” into “Oh wow, why don’t we do that more often?” Like I said, many women (not all) are more reactive than pro-active in regards to sexual drive. Your expectations should match your wife, not someone else’s wife (or a fiction). It sort of sounds like you’ve gotten lazy and want her to do all the work. Like you expect your wife (who you admit has no interest in sex) to initiate. That’s an unreal expectation. Start with what you have and work on that. Don’t sit back and complain that it’s not perfect. You’ll never get anywhere that way.
      Point 3) Everything is taken emotionally….well…yeah. That’s how their brains work. Again, where is this unreal expectation coming from? Their emotional awareness is a huge asset. It’s your job to learn to utilize it. God knew what he was doing when he designed our brains differently (on a physical level even). While I agree, wives should be willing to change, that’s a two way street.
      Point 4) Again, women tend to be more responsive sexually than pro-active. Learn to work with it. You’re looking for an easy fix, and there is no such thing. There shouldn’t be such a thing. The effort put into marriage is what makes the marriage work and good. If we didn’t have to learn to live with our spouses, to adjust to their thinking (both ways), then marriage would be useless. Build the relationship to a certain level, and sex will follow. It sounds like you both have a lot of work to do.
      Point 5) Agreed, sex shouldn’t be used to punish. But, then you are withholding affection and attraction due to a lack of sex…so your own rules condemn you. Works both ways. Stop fighting and trying to get what you want, and live to give your spouse what they need. Then both get what they need, and a lot of what they want.
      Point 6) Need something sexual to look at? No. It helps, but not a need. You can have sex in the dark, it works fine. It’s better with the visual, but not a need. And since you said your not attracted to your wife, she’s likely picking up on that. No wonder she doesn’t want to be naked in front of you with that attitude.
      Point 7) There are many more men with low drives than you realize. Have you met one? Probably. Is he going to tell you? No. Probably not.

      Basically, your attitude sucks. I think you’re half the problem, and that’s the only half you can fix. Work on that. Let your wife work on her issues, but give her a reason to: a husband who actually wants her to improve.

    • Well D Anderson, I hate to sink your theory, but my husband is one of those men you haven’t met. I am the one who actively pursues him, is always ready, etc. All the things you say a woman should do, are the things I do. It hasn’t made him interested in sex. He has been like this our entire marriage. He hasn’t started choosing masturbation instead of sex. In fact, since I stopped pursuing him as much, he has wanted sex more, not less.

      Not all men are the same. Some just aren’t the testosterone filled fighters you talk about.

      You say men don’t like the “I guess I could have sex” attitude… do you know how many times I have heard that from my husband? I’d say 99% of the times we have sex. I guess it’s better than the “I don’t really feel like it” which I hear more often.

  • I need help, please, has anyone found something that works for their marriage? My husband is like my best friend but without benefits. We spend lots of time together, but not romantic/sexual. He says he loves me and is turned on by me, but refuses to have sex, or touch me and doesn’t like me to touch him. I am open to almost anything if he would want to. I would do anything or change anything if he told me to. I am so confused i love him so much and i don’t want anyone else. Is he just tired of me, is our marriage over?

  • This is so dishearting because there doesn’t seem to be any solutions with happy endings. I waited 46 years to finally get a husband and soulmate, and he doesn’t want me sexually. The sex part isn’t even the major thing for me. It’s the lack of intimacy that hurts me so bad. He doesn’t kiss me, doesn’t touch me, or doesn’t have any reaction to me naked. He is uncomfortable when I touch him. I’m just a glorified roommate. It’s so humiliating. Over the years I have changed my hair, wardrobe, and lost weight, I’m now smaller than I was before we met. I have been the aggressor, and I have been the submissive. He stopped penatration with me about three years ago. But he would still give my breasts attention with his hands and mouth, and he would always bring me to orgasam manually and orally, the few times we were intimate. But all breast and oral stopped a year ago, and I have only had orgasam once. When I go down on him, he just lays there. Doesn’t touch me, or make noise. We are very compatible outside the bedroom, and we enjoy being together. But I didn’t get married to have a roommate buddy. I’m kind of hoping menopause would hurry and come so I would lose interest in sex.

    • Ronnie I wish I could say that menopause would dampen your libido it possibly may not,
      Menopause ramped mine up greatly.
      May I ask if you and you husband have talked about this, sought counselling would he be willing to have his hormone levels checked at the Doctors?

  • I won’t speak for all men but I can speak for myself. I do not have any desire for my wife and there is a very simple explanation. I resent her sexually. For years I gave and gave, foreplay was me doing everything. If my wife would spend equal time on me in foreplay then I would be interested. I have told her how I feel and nothing changes. She told me she is just not there yet, and this is after almost 20 years of marriage. When will she be ready? I kept giving for years thinking she would eventually give back. I have done more housework, I share the cooking, for a couple of years I even took on all of the grocery shopping. I listened to the advice that if you meet your spouses needs they will meet yours. It’s just not true.
    I have a very high drive, but very low desire for her sexually. Why would I want to have sex with someone who makes it all about them?

    • I think this is a very different scenario than what the post was discussing, but I’ll address it anyways. I have a couple of thoughts.
      First off, my wife was the same way. It took at least 5 years for her to “be there”. It’s not 20 years, granted, but I have a taste of what that is like.
      However, I think your attitude is off. You are giving so that you will receive. This isn’t giving of yourself unconditionally, this is giving to get. You describe a contract, not a covenant. It’s all “I’m doing this, and she isn’t living up to her end of the bargain”. What if you shifted your attitude to give, not to receive, but just because you love her unconditionally?

      Frankly, she may not turn around, but I can guarantee you’ll learn to be happier, regardless of the circumstance if you change your attitude.

      So, why would you want to have sex with your wife? Because you love her and want to show her that…even though she’s having trouble returning that affection.

      • I agree that giving to get is not the right way to go about it, and I am trying to work through this. I should have explained that it was not that way at first. It was several years before I started to notice that she had never once really touched me in a sexual way. So I started giving thinking I was not being giving enough. I have asked without demanding and I asked using all of the non blaming techniques I could.
        Unfortunately I have resigned myself to giving up on having a satisfying sex life. She has even gone so far as to say that when I ask for something it makes her not want to give it because it wasn’t her idea.

        • it was not that way at first…

          Ah, yes. Things cooled a bit as time wore on? You’re not alone there, my friend. Countless men have hit this bump in the road.

          So I started giving [more] thinking I was not being giving enough.

          And then, you responding by trying to ‘sweeten the deal’ with her by behaving in a thoughtful and generous fashion? This is all very typical of modern men (myself included) and it has predictable effects. You cite this immediately afterward…

          She has even gone so far as to say that when I ask for something it makes her not want to give it because it wasn’t her idea.

          And here we have a winner! Notice the portion that I set in bold type. This is her God-given, reflexive nature in operation. I honestly doubt that she wants it (most anything of a sexual nature)to be ‘her idea’ at all. Bear in mind that it is very difficult for a woman to come straight out and say, “Just take me, you fool. I already married you, so please act on my previously granted consent!”

          I understand that my blunt assertion will irritate modern sensibilities, but there it is. I’ve been down this road and looked into the scriptures to identify my misapprehension–and correct it. Simply put: men, love your wives; women reverence your husbands. (Ephesians 5:33 and other versus) Love and reverence are not identical in either meaning or execution.

      • I think this is a very different scenario than what the post was discussing…

        Care to elaborate/clarify, Jay Dee? Apart from the obvious switch from one sex to the other, of course. Husbands generally do want their wives to show some desire or enthusiasm. I can see numerous parallels to the original post topic, though, you might wish to address this separately. House rules apply!

        FWIW, giving of oneself does not always bring about the expected or desired result; sometimes we need to understand more about the situation and behave in a counter-intuitive manner to make it all work properly.

        Certainly, LDM might need a different approach to trigger a different response. I am quick to acknowledge that women are responsive creatures and can’t or won’t echo a man’s tendency to initiate or demonstrate strong desire. Nonetheless, the pain is real and similar to a wife’s yearning for intimate ‘acceptance’ of her efforts and appeal–and appetites.

        • The intent of this post, and perhaps I missed, was to address the issue of wives who have husbands who break the stereotype by not wanting sex, by being low-drive or no-drive.

          But the LDM is not someone who has no or low drive. His desire was there originally, it has left due to relationship issues. But, I agree, it would be a good post topic.

  • Hi, I’m recently married. My Husband was a high school jock with a new gf every week type guy. I met him after college and he had settled down some. He was my first Boyfriend so it was quite different between the two of us. We just celebrated our 2nd month being married; when we were first dating he told me he wanted a marriage where there wasnt a void in our sexual side of our marriage. Well, after getting married and settling into our day to day lives. It feels like his sex drive is gone. Being newly weds, you would probably think we would do it every night or at least a couple times a week… Its been almost 2 weeks since we last made love. When ever theres rejection it feels like he doesnt find me attractive anymore, or he just doesnt want to do it. I dont know what to think. I spend time looking at myself thinking have I grown ugly, am I not attractive. It hurts. Because I feel like I am being rejected. I have even asked him, and he just says, “I just dont feel like it right now.” Or when I try to initiate he says “Dont.” I know he isnt doing it to make me mad or upset me. He just doesnt know what it feels like to be rejected. I just am looking for some answers or what I should do.
    NewlyWed recently posted..Is Biblical advice for marriage outdated?My Profile

    • I’m very much in the same boat, NewlyWed. I’ve been married for 14 months now, and my husband just hasn’t ever been interested in sex with me. He was very sexually active before we met, but I was (and did) wait for marriage, so he had to slow down a bit. Instead he just … shut off. I have tried everything I can think of — lingerie, offering all sorts of different sex acts, sleeping naked, kissing him, asking…. We have never, even once, had sex when I initiated. He said he can’t “force” himself to do it, so if he’s not in the mood, we can’t have sex. And he also told me (about 3 months after we were married), that he just didn’t have any “honeymoon feelings” about me.

      I have gone through everything you’re going through. The first 9 months of my marriage, I could barely look at myself in the mirror without bursting into tears. I felt (and still kinda do) hideous and unattractive and undesirable and unloved. I still can’t go to Victoria’s Secret without nearly having a panic attack. And I cried pretty much daily for the first year. It’s gotten better the last couple of months just because I’ve worked at adjusting my thinking and letting go of a lot of expectations about being loved. Still working on it, I guess, because I do occasionally hunt up blogs like this, hoping there’s a magic bullet that I can use to fix the situation or at least understand it.

  • We’ve been married 47 years and he has never wanted me! We had sex once and that was the last time, he said it was gross,vile disgusting, messy, smelly not worth the effort or time involved. He go nothing out of it, I guess he thought that’s what married people do. He told sex will never happen again, and it hasn’t. He moved to our basement and starting working the midnight shift, he did that for 40 years. He didn’t want to be near me, I became so depressed, angry and I actually hated him and I still do.
    Every one told me he was gay or had some thing on the side, guys wanted sex but not mine I had him followed many times and all these people told me I wasted my money on a boring person.
    I’m in my late 60’s now and spent my life on trying to figure him out, I kick my self every day for not moving on. I’ve now had a hysterectomy and sex is the last thing on my mind . I’m like him now no sex and the hate for men is still there. I’ve been so stupid !!!!!!

  • My husband and I have been married for 31 years. Our marriage has defeated several obstacles. He received at liver transplant for a genetic issue almost 14 years ago and has had no difficulty with rejection fortunately and takes 2 anti-rejection medications twice daily. He is now diabetic on three oral medication daily as well as thyroid medication and two blood pressure medications one of which is used as a diuretic. We have not been intimate sexually in well over 9 months with the frequency prior being less than monthly. It may have been longer I quit counting a long time age. We have used toys designed for him as well as myself in the past and they worked somewhat. We never had a “strong” sexual connection and reading your blog today has helped me see some of my past mistakes as well as his.

    I write this because the last two nights have been difficult. We talked last night and he is totally uninterested in sex with me which he says is because of the medications.. I understand that it probably is because of his medical conditions and the medications but as I explained it to him (probably badly) it makes me feel unwanted. I can’t help it. I don’t want to put any burden on him. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want him to feel like he is failing me. And yet I need an outlet. I need to feel wanted. And I appreciate that you “don’t mind long rants” as this is difficult to speak as I don’t have many friends and the only girlfriend I would speak to about sexual things is herself a person who does refuse.

    I understood many years ago that my sex libido and his were not on the same wave length. He was satisfied with once a month or less and 85% of the time it was on my initiation unless it was on my birthday or our anniversary. It took a long time for me to come to terms with this, but time has a way with healing all things and helping one to understand to accept things as they are not as you would wish them to be. I have always held the thought that a person’s perception on an issue is their reality on said issue. I perceive his inability to want me sexually as my failure to be someone who is attractive sexually. That is my reality and yet while in essence it is true to me it is also a huge fallacy according to my husband whose arguments I fully understand and support. He is not and never has been and overly affectionate person. He has never touched me in what I consider to be a loving or unloving manner outside of the daily hug and peck goodbye but he does not show outward affection to others either. Did I want his affectionate touches, longing glances, and passionate kisses, for him to stoke my hair or grab my hand because he just had to touch me? Yes. But I also knew that I loved him as he was and that I could deal with that because he always made me understand that he loved me. I still understand it in my head but for some reason this is hurting beyond what I can seem to tolerate… heart hurts.

    So why is this bothering me so very badly? Why now? What do I expect will ever be different? This is just the newest hurdle in my track meet. Another obstacle to overcome. Another diatribe that allows me to somewhat express myself but at what cost. I injured him last night by trying to communicate how I felt. Now I feel like it is my fault. Like I am the one with the problem and perhaps that is true. Yes I have prayed for a lower level of desire one more in keeping with his. But God must have a purpose for me I don’t yet comprehend.

    How does a person lead a fulfilling life when they feel they are with someone who no longer wants them? I do not know. But I do know that it is my insecurities that have lead me here. Those insecurities lead me to search “How to make my husband want me.” which lead me to your blog. Reading your blog helped me to understand that I am not alone in this and that maybe there is help. I will ask the doctor about possible test for testosterone but when we tried the ED medications they really did not help so this may be the rest of my life and would be best to accept it. Typing this has been cathartic. I still do not understand how I will see my way through this or how I will be changed by it. I would hope that it is a test that I will see though and come out stronger for. Thank you for a place to “rant”

    • I’m glad it helped.

      I don’t know why now. I don’t know if things will change. I do know that improving your relationship with God will give you the strength to continue though.

      I pray the tests go well.

      Oh, and you’re not wrong to share that you are feeling unwanted. It’s a marriage. You should be able to express your deepest feelings with your husband. I’m sorry he’s not at a point where he feels he needs to care for your sexual relationship. We’ll be praying he grows in this way, and for your strength.

    • I am also a ‘rejected one’. I have cried over a few of these posts, reading my life, as it were. I am 32, in my second marriage, married for 3 years. We have been separated for 1 year now. The first 2 years not good to bad real quick. He rejected me the 2nd night of our marriage. I felt so unloved. He continued to reject me. I would find browsing history of a pornographic nature from time to time. He always denied when I actually did confront him.When we had se, We usually had it on his terms & he wasn’t concerned if I climaxed. I was most often left ‘just there’ & he would be done, tired, not interested in ‘finishing’ me. The ultimate rejection was when he refused to even let me kiss him on the cheek & that was AFTER he stopped having sex with me altogether. Without rehashing any more past history, I have learned, BECAUSE of this rejection, that I equate sex with love… I equate sex with physical attractiveness. ..I equate sex with being valued & worthy… That I wasn’t willing to take my intensely deep pain of soul, my oozing, raw wounds, my sense of utter wretchedness, my complete hatred self & lay it before The One Who loves me purely, truly, completely. Once I became willing, I began begging God to satisfy me sexually. He created the need in me. He gave me this drive. God promised that He would satisfy my desires with good things so that my youth would be renewed like the eagles. He is good & He has satisfied me more intimately than sex ever could. I just have to keep giving the sexual desires over to Him every time they crop up. I acknowledge that I wish it was my husband, but I am immensely grateful I serve a God Who cares about me in all ways. And when we are with Him in glory there will be no need for physical intimacy because He will satisfy us completely, perfectly. That is a part of what physical intimacy represents in marriage: our desire for that physical, spiritual, emotional, relational satisfaction that we will experience perfectly with our Lord, but imperfectly with our spouses. I am waiting on the Lord, praying He does what He needs to do to get my husband’s attention, praying against Satan’s work in my husband’s life, praying my husband chooses Christ. That’s what it all comes down to: choice. My husband needs to choose humility if we are ever going to have a true marriage. He then needs to choose selflessness. Just as I do. If he doesn’t choose the Lord’S way, I know that my lack of sexual fulfillment on this earth is temporary. When I am with Jesus, I won’t ever have that aching desire again. I will be completely satisfied.

  • Ive been married to my husband for 14 years and he will only have sex four times to nine times a year. we never made it to 12 a year yet. Everything else in our relationship is amazing but I am so angry that he doesn’t desire me, sometimes I rather be dead. Whats the point of any of it, if my husband ignores me. He works a lot, but also volunteers a lot. Really hurts my feelings.

  • My husband and I have been married less than a year.
    We have sex up to twice a month. He used to say it was because I never initiated and he didn’t want to bother me, so I started initiating about 6 months ago. I stopped initiating last month because I ALWAYS got a refusal. Never a reason, just a no.
    I am now considering divorce. I have tried everything- being seductive, losing weight, discussing it, making him my world… Nothing helps.
    I know he loves me. But I need him to want me too.

  • my husband never wants sex its heartbreaking for me he wont even let me touch him
    i tried lastnight he yelles dont and leave it ok i asked why all i got was leave it alone

    we rte down to once every 3 months even then its rubbish he never touches me ever refuses oral sex says the very thought makes him vomit
    he wont even kiss me
    is he gay? he is not having an affair
    the excuses range from tired to sick to not i mood

  • Most common reason for a husband refusing his wife is he’s tired of being controlled by his wife in the bedroom.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge