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Hot and Monogamous, just as God intended

refusal

How to talk to a refuser, How to talk to a spouse who doesn't want to have sex.  How to tell spouse you need more sex.The other day on our way home from a Christmas party we were talking and Jay was telling me he doesn’t know what to say or how to answer people’s comments and emails when they say that they are being refused and are hurting. This got me thinking back to old days and how I realized what my sin was and what it had done to our marriage and how I turned from it. I used to say, “no” to Jay so very often but have since turned from my ways and now gladly say, “yes hunny!” and I’ll even initiate on a regular basis. ']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

Reasons Not To Have SexThis was a simple little survey that I created, originally to answer a simple question:  do husbands and wife’s agree on whether or not the choice to not have sex on a given night is mutual.  This question was raised due to a comment on a recent post.

I added a few more questions, partially so that it wasn’t a two question survey, partially because, well, if people are going to fill it out, I might as well get a bit more data, and partially because it’s generally a bad idea to ask only what you want on a survey, because people tend to answer differently if they know what you are looking for, thus ruining the data.

In total, 159 respondents filled out the survey when I grabbed the data set I’ll be working from. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

OK men, I’m going to address you a bit further down, but this part is for the ladies:

Short answer: No.  I don’t mean “tell him “NO””.  I mean, there is no good way to tell your husband “No Sex Tonight”.  Here’s why:

No matter what you say, how you phrase it, he’s still going to hear that you have unilaterally decided that this component of your marriage is not happening tonight.

Now, what would happen if you tried to start a conversation with your husband and he, instead of responding verbally, handed you a card that said “No talking tonight”, and then went back to watching TV.  Chances are, you’d be fairly upset.  Why? Because one person decided on their own what was happening in the marriage.

Some of you know how it feels to have your spouse decide their not coming to church today, not interested in praying today, don’t want to do devotions together today.  It hurts to have a component (spiritual in this case) taken away from your marriage without consent.

Now (speaking in the context of marriage), sex without consent is marital rape.  No sex without consent is what many of in the marriage blog-o-sphere would term “refusal”.  Both are a breaking of the marriage vows, and I’d argue both are sinful.

So, how do you tell him it’s not happening tonight?  You don’t.  You shouldn’t, and, you shouldn’t have to.  Here’s why: →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

This is the seventh post in the 1/2 Marathon being orchestrated by the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association.  I have a bunch of questions left from the A Males Perspective teleconference I spoke at last week.  As such, I’ll be using this marathon to answer some of the questions I received.  Please note, these are my perspective.  I cannot vouch for all males and when I’m giving my perspective on women, I certainly cannot vouch for all women.  Also, all references to gender traits are based on the average population, there are exceptions of course.  Please do not be offended by these if you are not “neuro-typical” for your gender.  So, on to the question:

Do you believe that couples go through sexual seasons in their relationships?

Short answer: Yes.

Long answer: We’ve been through a few already in our short (11 year) marriage. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

This is the second post in the 1/2 Marathon being orchestrated by the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association.  I have a bunch of questions left from the A Males Perspective teleconference I spoke at last week.  As such, I’ll be using this marathon to answer some of the questions I received.  Please note, these are my perspective.  I cannot vouch for all males and when I’m giving my perspective on women, I certainly cannot vouch for all women.  So, on to the question:

Why do you think men think about sex more than women? And why is that so important to a man in his marriage?

So, I think the first question to ask is, do men actually think about sex more than women?  There is a myth out there that men think about sex about once every 7 seconds while they are awake.  This myth is false, I don’t know who started it, or why and it doesn’t really matter.  What does appear certain is that, on average, men seem to think about sex more than women do.  Researchers don’t agree on how often, and it varies greatly from person to person.  One study says 19 times a day on average, another says every 5 minutes for teenagers and every 30 minutes for older adults, another says that 45% of men think about sex less than once a day. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

So, here I am, a Christian, launching a blog, about sex.  What am I thinking?

I’ve been a Christian my entire life, and I have come to realize that the Christian culture is not only not doing a good job of teaching about sex, we are doing a horrible job at teaching about sex within marriage.  We spend so much time telling people “No sex until your married” that we forget to tell them “after that, you’re good to go”.  Often it’s taught “Sex is bad” and leave off the “unless your married, then it can be absolutely amazing”.  We absolutely fail at teaching anything about sex within marriage. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading