SWM002: Getting rid of veto power in the bedroom

Nov 11, 2015 by Jay Dee in Marriage

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Episode 2 of our podcast! We can actually call it series now. Today I’m talking about getting rid of veto power in the bedroom. Often one spouse, usually the low-drive spouse, has absolute say over when sex happens, or when it doesn’t happen. But is that the way it should be? I share my thoughts and what I believe the Bible has the say on the subject.

Episode Notes

Introduction

For the first 8 or so years of our marriage, frequency of sex was a constant struggle
For a while we had a sexless marriage (defined as 10 or less times a year)
We had a 9 month span without sex during one of the early pregnancies
Arguing about frequency is pretty common place in marriage.
Often spouses have mismatched drives, but the problem isn’t mismatched drives, it’s about who has control.

Sexual security

A marriage should not be based on one spouse having veto power over the other
1 Corinthians 7:5

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
One spouse does not have the right to deprive another, one spouse does not have veto power.

The common reaction

The most common response is: “My spouse will want sex every night!”
Answer 1: So what? Is that really a problem? Most people enjoy sex, if you don’t, you either need to see a doctor, or get more practice.
Answer 2: Yes, it’s possible that your spouse will want sex every night, for a time. But, this desire might wane after a while, once they realize that they now have sexual security.

Assume sex vs. veto power

Changes the dynamic of your marriage, for the positive.
It changes from one that is selfish to one that is selfless.
Your focus becomes on what your spouse’s needs and desires are, not what your own are.
Has implications beyond the bedroom.