I’m playing catch up on some previous questions. This one came in more than a month ago, and I’m afraid I’ve been a little slow to answer:
My wife and I are both Christian Faith and have a question about a fantasy we both have. We both are wondering if it is okay for use to roll play in a rape type setting.
Thanks for your input ! [sic]
So, basically the question is: is it okay for Christians to role-play rape scenarios? And I guess we could expand this to include other violent/forceful scenarios as well.
I’ve often said that just about anything goes in the marriage bed so long as it’s between spouses, with the obvious exceptions of doing harm, either physically, emotionally or spiritually. And I think this practice might fall under the spiritual harm category for me.
I get the draw for a rape-scenario, for both the man and the woman. So, let’s look at why this is appealing to some first.
Where the man is the aggressor and the woman is the victim
This is the most common rape scenario, and in fact is one of the largest fantasies for women, believe it or not. Some might have trouble believing that. After all, for men it’s easy to understand, the man gets what he supposedly wants (sex), and it comes with no strings or consequences (at least in the fantasy, in real life, you go to jail, don’t do it). But what’s in it for the women that this is a fantasy reported among women (though one they don’t actually want to experience)?
Well, women get a loss of control and to experience a man who is assertive, in control and confident, and all the data I’ve seen points to the fact that the vast majority of women are starved for that kind of attention. It’s not that they want to be raped, its that they want to experience a confident and assertive leader in the bedroom. Likewise, I don’t think men want to rape a woman, I think they want intimacy and a rape fantasy is just an expression of the hurt and frustration they feel at being refused by their spouse who is supposed to be the one person who loves and cherishes them above all else (excepting God).
Where the woman is the aggressor and the man is the victim
I thought perhaps I’d tackle this scenario as well, since they weren’t clear which it was they were asking about, and this happens as well, though much less frequently. For the women, often , though not always, these cases stem from a past abuse, and it’s less about sex, and more about regaining control, about having sex under their power and no one else’s. For men, I think it’s generally much simpler, again: To be so wanted and desired by a woman that she won’t take no for an answer. That’s speaks to one of our deepest needs: to have a woman that wants desperately to be our sexual partner, so that we feel like we’re attractive and seen as a desirable mate. See, we have our insecurities too.
Understand the underlying theme
So, I think instead of the rape fantasy, you should explore the underlying themes and then find a way to implement them into your sexual encounters. If you’re desiring a strong, aggressive, confident lover, well, then he needs to start growing in that direction rather than just putting on mask for a short time. Chances are, she doesn’t want you to just be confident and assertive in the bedroom, but in the rest of life as well, something we as men don’t learn to be anymore.
If it’s the loss of control, then maybe start playing with bondage, enjoy the feeling of a restriction of movement to heighten other sensations.
But, playing out a rape scenario, to me, that is a dangerous game, and it violates this:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. Philippians 4:8
We should not glorify violence or sexual immorality, even in play. At least that’s my opinion, since you asked.
If you want more information about looking into the reasons for fantasies and how to deal with difficult ones, I suggest you check out my book review of The Fantasy Fallacy by Shannon Ethridge. It goes into a lot more detail and depth on the topic than I can address in a post.