This is the ninth post in the 1/2 Marathon being orchestrated by the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association. I have a bunch of questions left from the A Males Perspective teleconference I spoke at last week. As such, I’ll be using this marathon to answer some of the questions I received. Please note, these are my perspective. I cannot vouch for all males and when I’m giving my perspective on women, I certainly cannot vouch for all women. Also, all references to gender traits are based on the average population, there are exceptions of course. Please do not be offended by these if you are not “neurotypical” for your gender. So, on to the question:
I would like for my husband to be more creative when it comes to initiating sex and not just jumping into it. What should I do?
Alright, first things first. Go back and read my post called
Does It Hurt A Man’s Feelings When We Give Instructions To Him In The Bedroom On What We Like And Dislike As A Women In Bed? I know, it’s a long title, but the post is pretty short. I’ll wait.
Done? Good, because this post won’t work unless you understand and apply that post.
So, other blogs/magazines/people would suggest leaving hints around the house, magazines opened to a certain article, books on the coffee table, webpage left open on the computer, etc., telling a husband how to be more creative in bed/while initiating. This seems manipulative to me. I am always going to be in favour of straightforward honest bluntness, especially when dealing with men. We don’t really do subtle very well. Don’t hint around the subject, don’t expect him to read your mind.
If you have something specific you want, then come right out and tell him. I know, this breaks the rules of you wanting him to do it without being told, but he’s not a mind reader, and he never will be. If you want it to happen, I’m sorry, you’re going to have to tell him in clearly defined terms without ambiguity. No hinting, not humming and hawing, just straight out tell him. I know, it can be hard to do, it takes guts to put yourself out there, but you want change, and change is uncomfortable. If it makes you feel better, he’ll probably feel uncomfortable the first time he tries your request, so you’ll be even.
If you don’t have anything specific in mind, well, that’s a hard one too, because you’re asking him creative about something you can’t be creative about. If he can’t come up with anything, you don’t really have a leg to stand on when complaining about it.
So, talk about it, open up. Discuss what you love about foreplay and sex and tell him what not quite so satisfying. Discuss what each of you is willing to do and not do, maybe check out Our Sexploration List resource to jump-start the conversation.
The last possibility is that you have no idea what you want, but your husband has some ideas. He has to feel free to express them, to try them out. Here’s the catch: If you open up the door to this, you cannot slam it in his face if you don’t like what comes through the door. Do not put him down, berate him or making him feel bad about his fantasies/ideas. If he comes back to you with the idea for a threesome, then you need to gently say “I’m sorry, you misunderstood, this is not what I meant. Maybe we need to have a discussion about what we both feel is OK in our marriage.” But if he suggests something that you just think might not be fun (but aren’t morally opposed to), say a blindfold, or handcuffs, or a new position, or (gasp) sex with the lights on, then do not laugh, scream, or yell “NO!” as soon as he brings it up. Try it if you can. If you won’t give it a try, or at least consideration, then don’t ask me how to get him to be creative in bed after you’ve taken his will to be creative away from him. Well, you can ask me if you want, but it’s going to be a lot more uncomfortable than saying yes in the first place. It’s going to involve some serious humble apologizing for your behaviour and abusing the intimacy he shared with you and asking for forgiveness, and he still might take a few years to trust you again.
So, what should you do? Ask, bluntly, openly, and in a loving manner, willing to respond (but perhaps not follow through) on any answer in a gentle manner.
Women: Have you tried this in your marriage?
Men: Would this work for you?