Comments for Sex Within Marriage http://sexwithinmarriage.com Hot and Monogamous, just as God intended Mon, 27 Apr 2015 03:06:49 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.2 Comment on When is it okay to say “no” to sex? by HopefullyHelpful http://sexwithinmarriage.com/when-is-it-okay-to-say-no-to-sex/#comment-482897 Mon, 27 Apr 2015 03:06:49 +0000 http://sexwithinmarriage.com/?p=2958#comment-482897 As I have come to see it:

A spouse always has the right to ask anytime, but a duty not to expect.
A spouse always has the right to refuse, but a duty not to.

As example, when is it a wrong time to ” not yell at your wife” or “be tender and loving to your wife” or “listen to your wife’s feelings”?

Most problems come from expecting perfection from your spouse. But how one asks and how the other denies are also critical, and can be the difference.

]]>
Comment on When is it okay to say “no” to sex? by DMV http://sexwithinmarriage.com/when-is-it-okay-to-say-no-to-sex/#comment-482885 Mon, 27 Apr 2015 01:12:30 +0000 http://sexwithinmarriage.com/?p=2958#comment-482885 I agree that there are probably many cases where masturbation is a conflict avoidance strategy. At the same time, I think there are also cases where the sexual arguments have reached a point that Dr. Gottman might describe as “perpetual conflicts” that are unlikely to ever be resolved. In those situations, I’m not sure that I see masturbation as a way of avoiding the conflict, but a legitimate strategy for coping with the situation. Maybe it is just another angle to see the questions of abdication, obligation, and how God views these situations. Some of your thoughts back in January (“When do I give up hope” 22 January 2015) may be applicable here.

I am not sure I understand your reference to Titus. After a quick review of Paul’s epistle, I did not see anything that I interpreted as “sexless marriages are or may be considered blaphemous.” Either I misunderstood your reference, or I missed the part of this epistle that may imply this. If you can, I would appreciate a clarification.

I will agree that it is not your job to convince — that we need to rely more on the Holy Spirit to convince and convict us in these things. I guess I find it interesting that, after 500 years (if you start counting from Luther and the Reformation) or 2000 years (if you start counting from Peter and the first century apostles), the Holy Spirit seems to have been unable to fully convince and convict us as a Christian community on these things. Perhaps we are just stubborn and bullheaded, or too influenced by cultural influences. In many ways, this might be the real value of blogs like yours and others is to get us as Christians to contemplate and maybe rethink our attitudes towards sexuality.

]]>
Comment on When is it okay to say “no” to sex? by Ruby http://sexwithinmarriage.com/when-is-it-okay-to-say-no-to-sex/#comment-482882 Sun, 26 Apr 2015 23:58:37 +0000 http://sexwithinmarriage.com/?p=2958#comment-482882 I wish I could edit this! Lots of typos when I use my tablet. I especially want to point out one, since readers will likely get around the others (I hope), is where it says “bless muscle”, that should say bless myself.

]]>
Comment on When is it okay to say “no” to sex? by Ruby http://sexwithinmarriage.com/when-is-it-okay-to-say-no-to-sex/#comment-482881 Sun, 26 Apr 2015 23:48:40 +0000 http://sexwithinmarriage.com/?p=2958#comment-482881 I have had a few things come to mind after reading this posting and also reading http://sexwithinmarriage.com/is-there-a-good-way-to-tell-your-husband-no-sex-tonight/ , along with many of the reader comments. It is interesting to me that it seems like so much attention is put on the answer. We tend to put all the responsibility on the person who is being asked. Now, I appreciate what you have written about having a discussion, but it is interesting to me that I never see here, or on other Christian marriage sites, a blog entry titled something along the lines of “is there ever a wrong time to ask my spouse for sex?” We place all the onus on what kind of answer is given. You have made it clear in both of these posts that these are geared those who share sexual intimacy on a healthy, regular basis already. Dealing with the sad and detrimental issue of constant refusal or a “sexless” marriage is a different issue, which you speak about a great deal in many other entries. What is see though, that I find slightly disturbing, is that someone is has a healthy frequency of sex in their marriage would approach their spouse with this with this when their spouse is clearly ill, as in the frequent example given here as with the flu. This is temporary. Why are you asking for sex when you could be expressing your love for your spouse (and, arguably getting your own needs better met by assisting in their recovery) by bring them teas, soup, taking care of household issues, the kids, etc., so they can rest and be refreshed and energized sooner and more fully, to be able to enjoy in a fulfilling sexual relation with you? I appreciate the emphasis you put on love and service, though duty is an inescapable part of marriage too, after all, when we took our vows, we were not only choosing the spouse to care for us, but committing to care for them as well, no? Another example that has been used a few times is the wife who is receiving from childbirth, one commenter wrote that she felt guilty not meeting his needs during this time. As a childbirth professional, I feel less concerned with whether or not it is ok to say no to sex at this time, but rather more concerned that the husband is failing in his headship duties by asking her to meet those needs during this fragile (and in the grand scheme of things, short) time. The wife is then put in the position of sacrificing her own healing and PROLONGING her recovery time or feeling bad for turning him down. Depending on how early this happens, she could even be exposing herself to a very serious infection. Asking her to give you oral instead seems unlocking as well, as then demands on her body are already so high. There is sacrifice involved in having children, but to sacrifice means to give up that which I lower for that which is higher. The demands on a woman’s body during pregnancy and birth are very high, and are in some ways higher during the postpartum time, especially for breastfeeding mothers. As long as a women is bleeding/spotting after childbirth, it means the wound from her placenta has not fully closed. This should only take 2-4 weeks, six at most. Surely, after all she has given to give the husband a child, he can wait these few weeks to meet his sexual needs? If her postpartum bleeding is prolonged, it means she is not getting adequate rest, nourishment, and support. Who should be making sure she is getting that, husbands? The surest way to make sure her recovery is expedient is to make sure she gets all that support, nourishment, and REST. Not providing this not only prolongs the time when it really isn’t healthy for her to have intercourse, but also promotes the likelihood of postpartum depression….guess what that does to libido? I don’t even want to think about someone asking for sex while she still has a tear or suture site that is healing. Damage could be done that could make sex painful for her for the rest of her life. Communication about this healing should be high, so the husband knows when it is safe for him to approach his wife in this way. And in my experience, wives are often eager for their bleeding to end completely to be able to resume this intimacy. Why is all the attention always put on the marrital appropriateness of saying no and never on the appropriateness of asking? I love my husband, and so I want to meet his needs as I want him to meet my own, sexual and otherwise. His sexual needs in particular are greater than my own, and I have made it very clear to him that I am always available to him. I love him, and even if I am not in the mood or tired, he is free to decide if he wants to pursue it when I am less than eager/responsive to his advance. Most of the time, though not always, he continues with his advance, and what almost inevitably occurs is my own arousal at some point, from his sexual touch, his desire, and so on, and I become fully engaged and orgasmic and blissful by the end. If it has been a little while, and therefore his “needs” will probably by “high” on a given night, I can choose to come on to him earlier, even if I might not choose to come on to him based on my own level of desire/tiredness-late-in-the-day. This comes from knowing myself well enough to know that if he comes on to me when my body finally hits the mattress for bed, and I miss my initial wave of sleepiness and then have a hard time falling asleep, I will be really cranky to say the least. If I choose to “bless” him in this way out of my love for him and my desire to meet his needs, I avoid resentment in myself later and respect my need to have a restful night of sleep, and usually “bless” muscle in the act of pursuing him sexually as well. It’s a little like how you can’t fake laugh without eventually laughing heartily for real. If I choose to come on to my husband at these times, I start to feel a strong desire for him deeply, and him being the one who does most of the initiating, he loves it when I initiate. We all want to feel wanted, right? I bless myself and our marriage by this act, since if enough time has passed for me to know he’s going to have high needs that night, we have probably been busy, tired, and absorbed in other things, and could both really use the intimate connection, even if I don’t “feel” it or am pursuing it preemptively to avoid it later when the only thing I have on my mind is bed. I have needed a way to connect intimately with my husband even if I didn’t know it, and if it happens earlier, before he comes on to me when we get into bed, then there is also more space and time for intimate touch and conversation to happen afterwards. This is one of the ways God works in our marriage. I realize that this may be harder for couples with children, but I felt moved to share my thoughts on this.

]]>
Comment on When is it okay to say “no” to sex? by Dan http://sexwithinmarriage.com/when-is-it-okay-to-say-no-to-sex/#comment-482878 Sun, 26 Apr 2015 19:05:15 +0000 http://sexwithinmarriage.com/?p=2958#comment-482878 So much of saying “no” has more to do with hurt and neglect than lack of desire.

]]>
Comment on Is masturbation a sin? by HopefullyHelpful http://sexwithinmarriage.com/masturbation-sin/#comment-482873 Sun, 26 Apr 2015 15:52:46 +0000 http://sexwithinmarriage.com/?p=1262#comment-482873 @John, if you are taking things into your hands while in her presence, then fine. If not, then how do you think she would feel if she walked in on you right while you climaxed. Also, bad back or not, have you tried taking care of her needs? Adapting is fine as long as you do so within the boundaries God has assigned.

]]>
Comment on When is it okay to say “no” to sex? by HopefullyHelpful http://sexwithinmarriage.com/when-is-it-okay-to-say-no-to-sex/#comment-482872 Sun, 26 Apr 2015 15:42:51 +0000 http://sexwithinmarriage.com/?p=2958#comment-482872 Katydid, that is not a healthy view to take (consider James 1:12-13.) God did not take away anything (look up Ecclesiastes 9:11). Your husband is probably feeling depressed he cannot “rise to the occasion.” You might want to remind/inform him that men can orgasm just fine without an erection. Offer to show him.
You didn’t marry his penis. That is only one part (don’t say small) of the package. Tell him he’s always been man enough to satisfy your needs, so why is he stopping now when all you need is his love and understanding while you release yourself in his presence, because the only person, including yourself, you want to have sex with is the husband God gave you. And I assume you will be able to do perform.

]]>
Comment on When is it okay to say “no” to sex? by HopefullyHelpful http://sexwithinmarriage.com/when-is-it-okay-to-say-no-to-sex/#comment-482871 Sun, 26 Apr 2015 15:17:03 +0000 http://sexwithinmarriage.com/?p=2958#comment-482871 Jay Dee, you saw my proposal to that particular older gent’s dilemma, which is basically Anonymous’s terminally-ill wife’s solution. I have posted my feelings about rights in “rendering” the marriage due.

]]>
Comment on When is it okay to say “no” to sex? by Jay Dee http://sexwithinmarriage.com/when-is-it-okay-to-say-no-to-sex/#comment-482870 Sun, 26 Apr 2015 14:56:24 +0000 http://sexwithinmarriage.com/?p=2958#comment-482870 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. – 1 Peter 3:9

]]>
Comment on When is it okay to say “no” to sex? by CK http://sexwithinmarriage.com/when-is-it-okay-to-say-no-to-sex/#comment-482869 Sun, 26 Apr 2015 14:21:10 +0000 http://sexwithinmarriage.com/?p=2958#comment-482869 Ive thought about it this way: God gave me an itch, an innate need. He then told me that only my spouse is allowed to scratch that itch. You know the feeling that you get when an itch is thoroughly addressed – the relief, the good feeling as it’s being scratched by someone else. How thankful you are to them for reaching the spot you could not. It makes me wonder why or how a spouse cannot embrace that. It’s a mutuality that God built into marriage. When a spouse refuses to try to understand it is nothing less than selfishness. Perhaps if you explain it in a similar fashion he may see it differently. I also am not so against the idea of “quid pro quo.” Sometimes it takes a wake-up call to get a man’s short attention span expanded. If showering a spouse with unselfish service does nothing to insult their own selfishness into changing, then a taste of their own medicine is sometimes needed. You know there are times when you’ve served him even when you were less than 100% up to the task- whatever it was. Object lessons can be effective if done carefully. Just a thought….

]]>