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Hot and Monogamous, just as God intended

I Want My Husband To Want MeI don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’ve been getting more and more comments from women say that they want sex more than their husbands, completely shattering the stereotype that men always want more sex.  There are blogs from women in these types of marriages, guest posts, threads on message boards, everywhere you see wives saying “I want my husband to want me!”, but still the popular myth is maintained: that men need/want sex more than women.  And anywhere a woman stands up and says “I like sex” or “I want sex every day” or “I want sex more than my husband”, there is someone standing up calling “unicorn” (mythical creature).  But anyone who runs a blog dealing with marriage or sex, and I’d guess anyone in that area of marriage counselling as well, has to know that these are not unicorns, and there aren’t more of them every day, they’re just becoming more vocal.

This past week I ran a survey asking some simple questions about people’s marriage and sex life, and while this post was not the reason I ran the survey, nor was I looking for answers related to this post, I did see some stats that some of you may find surprising.

Higher Sex Drive Chart

According to the men who voted, 3% of wives have a higher sex drive than their husband and 10% have matching drives giving 13% of wives with high sex drives.  I would suggest this number is deflated because of the social stigma attached to men who don’t want sex as much as their wives.

According to the women who voted, 49% of them have higher sex drives than their husbands, with an additional 20% matching their husbands, giving an astounding 69% of wives have higher drives than their husbands.  Now, I would suggest this number is inflated because it is far more likely that a high-drive woman would answer a survey about her sex life that she found on a Facebook page about sex, or a Twitter feed about sex, or a message board about sex.

So, if you add these together, I’m not sure they cancel each other out, but we probably come to a more realistic number of  22% of wives having a higher drive and an additional 14% matching their husbands.  Which leaves us with 36% of wives having high drives.

Thirty Six Percent!  That’s more than a third.  How are your stereotypes holding up?  Let’s keep going.

Now, it’s a well known, the stereotype, that wives refuse their husbands sex.  Now, this data is harder to handle.  You can’t just ask people if they are refused, because some people will say they are refused while they’re having sex more than seven times a week (which by the way only 3% of respondents are, but 50% of those who are have been married 25+ years, so kudos, you’ve earned it!).  So, here is the logic I used to determine if someone is being refused:

  • If you find your sex-life unfulfilling AND
  • You are doing the initiating more than your spouse AND
  • You are having sex once a week or less

Refused SpousesThen, you might be a refused spouse.  Now, you may agree or disagree with my criteria, but that’s what I have.  If you have a better way of determining it, please let me know.  So, turns out that husbands are being refused (according to my criteria) a lot less than would be believed by sitcoms.  According to my respondents, we’re sitting at around 22% of men are being refused by their wives.  This is nowhere near the belief we’ve been fed that sex dies after marriage.  In fact, from what I can tell, marriages in the community I am reaching are having sex on average 2-3 times a week, which seems consistent with other, more scientific, surveys. Now, what about the women?  I mean, if the stereotype is to be believed, then there should be none, or maybe 1.  Surely not more than 1% anyways.  How about 11%?  That’s right, more than 1 in 10.  How many married couples are their in your local church?  If there are 50, chances are about 5% of those women are crying themselves to sleep at night because their husband doesn’t want to have sex with them.  I bet you’re going to have trouble paying attention to the sermon this week trying to figure out who they are.  Sort of changes your view doesn’t it?

Now, we have lots of posts out there about men being refused, about how to deal with the rejection, about how rejecting your husband for sex is an act of disrespect, and on and on it goes.  But there really isn’t that much discussion on the women who are being rejected.  What can we tell them?  They’re hearing the same arguments are excuses that the rejected men are:

  • I’m tired
  • It’s late
  • You want sex too much
  • I have a headache
  • I don’t feel well
  • Not tonight

There are husbands racing to get to bed and be asleep before their wife makes it to bed.  There are husbands staying up late at night hoping their wife will fall asleep before they get to bed.  Don’t think that there aren’t.  I’ve heard the stories from them.  And as much as men want and need respect, women want and need to feel desired, and it’s hard to feel desired when the one person you should be able to count on to desire you doesn’t have any interest in looking at you, in feeling you, in touching you, in kissing you, and avoids sex with you like it’s the plague.  My sisters in Christ who are dealing with this are hurting, they are suffering, and for the most part, they are suffering in silence, because in the words of one such wife who contacted me:

What does that say about me, that [my husband] doesn’t want to have sex with me? There must be something terribly wrong with me. Everywhere I look, every lesson on sex or article , tells me that men want and need sex. They think about it 10 times an hour. Why hasn’t anyone ever wanted me? What is wrong with me?

The shame of admitting that your husband doesn’t want sex with you can be more overwhelming than the hope that anyone can help.

And I honestly don’t know what to say to these women.  I know there are things like their husband needs to lose weight, get his testosterone levels checked, he needs to follow the same scriptures about refusal that we give to wives, but it’s harder in these cases.  Because the wives have this shame that their husband doesn’t want to be with them, and the husbands generally don’t want to acknowledge the issue, let alone deal with, because they have their own stigma.  In societies view, what kind of man would pass down sex with a wife who wants it?  I’m sure he doesn’t want people to think he’s “less of a man”.  So, the advice, the counsel, the bible verses never reach his heart, because it’s too guarded against his own pain.

So, why am I writing a post when I don’t have an answer?

I guess to break some of the stereotypes.  To take away some of the stigma.  So that they can feel more comfortable about seeking help, and more people will be willing to help them.

Your Turn

What can you do?  When you hear this stereotype, challenge it.  Say you read a stat saying that 11% of women are being refused.  Say that it’s not only men.  Say that some women want sex more than their husband.  Do it so that your sisters can get the help they need to work towards the marriage God wants for them.

66 Responses to I want my husband to want me

  • Jay-
    Last year for my 30th wedding anniversary I decided that I needed to learn what did I really know about having sex with my husband. In my research I found that there were 2 reasons most couples get divorced for . Those reasons were sex and money. Most divorces are requested by women. Most long term marriage (15 years+) run a higher risk of ending divorce. There are a lot of sexless marriages out there. I learned also that the sex drives of the couples can flip flop. I know that this to be true in my own marriage as I am now the higher drive spouse. Do Ladies take heart-there are a lot of us higher driver wives out there. Couples take note that this a conversation must be ongoing.

    • Yes, we’ve seen lots of couples speak out and say that the dynamic has changed, occasionally that the husband can no longer “keep up” with his wife.

      No doubt some of them fall into a refusal pattern as well.

      Thanks for the reminder.

    • I would so love to be married/have a spouse, a Christian & male-leading one.

  • I don’t relate to men who neglect their wives. I’ve done all I can to try and make sure she never has reason to doubt that I find her beautiful, sexy, attractive, and that I love her. I’ve done the stay up late to watch TV thing so she will be asleep when I got to bed, but that was back when she frequently refused me and it was a case of ‘If I don’t ask then I won’t be rejected, and if she is asleep when I go to bed it won’t be as big a struggle for me’. I didn’t do it all the time just nights I knew she wouldn’t and it would be hard to be in bed with her awake. She did not feel deprived, she really would have said no and she knew all she had to do if she actually did want it was drop a hint and I was there, or wait a day or two and hope would beat out fear and I’d ask.

    It might be a lack of knowledge, the assumption that their wife doesn’t want/need sex more than they do because they are a woman, it might be a lack of empathy for the pain they feel. It might be that porn has altered their sexual responses to the point where they no longer see their wife in a sexual way or feel desire for them. It might be that low T or sexual dysfunction makes him fear having sex and exposing his problem. So I don’t think there is a one size fits all answer.

    I don’t think overt seduction methods are usually the solution, or thumping their head with the Bible (not saying scripture shouldn’t be used, but don’t use it like a club). I think perhaps trying to appeal to their husbands instinct to protect his wife and keep her from harm, his desire to be her hero, are the buttons that should be pressed. ‘I need your help’ has more power than ‘I want/need you to…’.
    LatterDay Marriage recently posted..Moving towards sexual fulfillment – Part 2My Profile

    • That’s certainly something to try (appeal for protection), but in many cases, these wives have tried everything, they can, but it’s too hard for them, or their husbands, to take the next step and get outside help (therapy, counselling, etc.)

      I’m hoping by opening this discussion and making it more public and well know, we can remove the shame and social stigma attached to these situations so that both spouses can get the help they need to grow together.

  • Maybe men in general have been dominated by their wives so much that it’s driving the desire right out of them. I believe we are designed for men to be dominant and women to be submissive to their husbands.

    For decades now our society has catapulted women into equality with their husbands and, often, the breadwinners, and with that comes head-strong women used to being in charge, doing things their way and getting what they want.

    We (women) are used to being in control. I am one of those women, and I undermined my husband by being dominating in every decision in our marriage, work and family- for over 15 years.

    A few months ago I realized I had this deep yearning to be led by my husband. To give him full authority over his home, his wife and our family. Frankly, it’s been a relief to me to relinquish that burden. And, it has uplifted him and really just breathed new life in our relationship. He feels supported, encouraged and trusted in a way that he hasn’t before. Not that I was abusive- I clearly was not. However, I was dominant, authoritative and did take control and push to get things done- often to the detriment of our family or when he’d rather take a slower, different approach.

    I find that we are talking much more deeply, I no longer complain, we work together towards goals, and I no longer interfere with the discipline of our children. Our home is suddenly more peaceful, we feel in sync. I am a better Mom.

    When I decided I really wanted to become submissive, I had a long discussion with my husband about it and explained why, what it meant to me and what it could do for our family.

    The sex since this change has been phenomenal. Holding him up as the dominant leader and seeing him embrace it is super-sexy.

    Maybe the wives who want more should consider giving him want he needs- to be the leader of his home and family.

    • Yeah, I think there is a strong correlation between who leads the household and how much sex is being had in that household, and my survey suggested the same: Husband-led households have sex twice as often and wife-led households according to the respondents.

      Now, I will not say that this is always caused by dominant women. But it does happen:

      • With the exception of sex, as the more inhibited and more conservative person in the relationship, her preferences and inhibitions take the lead, and I have no control. We operate as equal but different complimentarian
      • Not a putdown – but I’m easygoing, my wife is strong-willed but mostly polite and flexible about it.
      • I am not so sure about this – but wife definitely controls the marriage bed.
      • It has always been wife leads, but have been in the process of changing it. So I in the past year it’s more of what I marked.
      • She would say I am in control but that’s only true as I decide the way she wants.

      Many that I’ve had exchanges with, or read their experiences say that they would love to have their husband lead, but he won’t.

      And in the survey, some of the comments I got were:

      • Husband is in control, but he is sure NOT a leader.
      • Pushing to have husband become the head of home. Tough since he was constantly treated as a child by mother and sister
      • he won’t lead even when i try to step back
      • Wanting DH to take more lead in important issues.

      And even when the husband is in the lead, he’s not always leading well:

      • I am very passive and sometimes feel like I don’t have a voice.
      • We believe in the husband being the head, but I pretty much do and control everything in the house because he delegated all that to me. He has the final say in the house and tends to take liberties that I cannot being the mom, such as hanging out with the guys for hours whereas I rarely leave home alone for a bit of respite.

      But yes, there have been quite a few wives who have said that both their sex life and the rest of their marriage got better as soon as their husbands took on a leadership role.

      • I’m in that group too. I had been in a ‘head’ mind-set of submission – not really wanting to be there. Over the years our sex life dwindled, with my hubby eventually reaching the point of not desiring sex (me) at all. He knew it wasn’t true submission; you guys can just tell. But when God got a hold of and straightened me out – EVERYTHING changed!
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      • JayDee, I have come back to address your response above to Submissive Wife. Something about it was bothering me all night, and after prayer I think I have figured out what. I would respectfully ask you not to conflate the issues of sexual frequency/headship/submission and male refusal or low desire. They are two separate issues. I think that putting that data in your comment on this post (where you have ended asking what can be done about male refusal/lack of desire) is muddying the waters.

        Go back and look into your data. I would speculate that in most of the relationships where the woman was in control and the frequency was low A. the husband has the higher drive B. The wife is not submissive. C. they report lower sexual frequency.

        In that dynamic, the unsubmissive wife is the one doing the sexual refusal (thereby lowering frequency), not the husband. You need to take out all data that fits that pattern, before you can make any conclusions about whether or not lack of submission leads to male refusal or low male desire.

        There is a difference between a man who eventually stops pursuing his wife because she has resisted him and said no to sex over the years, and a man who repeatedly says no to his wife over the years when she asks for sex. Both could theoretically be considered low desire based on sexual initiation and frequency data alone.

        With the first type of man, it is not surprising that a wife being more submissive in general might result in increased sexual frequency. The desire is there, it has just gone dormant after years of neglect. She starts saying yes, so he starts asking more and voila problem fixed! Increased frequency!

        With the second type of man, the desire is not there and may never have been there. A wife submitting to her husband’s wishes in that case will just result in lowered sexual frequency, as he does not wish to have sex.

        • OK, I had to read your comment twice to make sure, but it sounds to me like you are agreeing with me, so perhaps I was unclear.

          I was saying that it seems to happen that it is tied to headship/submission, but it’s certainly not the all the time. There are plenty of cases where headship/submission have absolutely nothing to do with the low drive of the husband or the frequency.

          But, your criteria is flawed I believe. You basically just asked me to measure how many men are low-drive (the other criteria cancelled out), which I pointed out in the post and even added a chart on.

          I apologize if the comment was ambiguous. Thank you for giving me a chance to clarify.

          • What I am asking you not to do is look at the issue of male refusal and try to tie it somehow to a correlation between frequency and headship/submission in a marriage. To me, that is a separate issue. I am challenging your assertion that the husband’s natural drive is tied to headship/submission behavior in his wife. Note that I said “natural drive”. Being treated badly by an overbearing, controlling, and unloving spouse is likely to eventually lower desire in both genders.

            Submissive Wife made remarks that men have been dominated so much that it is driving the desire out of them. She makes the suggestion at the end of her comment that wives who want sex more than their husbands need to be more submissive and let him be the leader more if they are wanting more sex.

            This is another example of the taboo and shameful nature of this. If my husband doesn’t want to have sex with me as much as I want to with him, it is because of something that is lacking in me, in this case my lack of submission. Submit more and he will want more sex. That may work for some, but I believe that would only be the case in relationships where the man already had the higher drive than the woman and was encouraged to pursue her.

            That sort of outlook by other women does not make me want to bring my husband’s refusals up at all, because that sort of “advice” is based on the flawed stereotype that all married men want sex all the time and those who don’t must have a wife who has turned them off somehow, either through her looks or behavior. It’s right up there with “get into shape” or “buy and wear some sexy lingerie for him and he will want to have sex with you. ” I tried both, neither worked. Neither did submitting gracefully to his wishes in all things, all that did was lower our already low sexual frequency and make me feel like a complete doormat. Refusers at the core are selfish and will gladly trample over anyone who submits to their wishes.

            To her, you responded:

            “Yeah, I think there is a strong correlation between who leads the household and how much sex is being had in that household, and my survey suggested the same: Husband-led households have sex twice as often than wife-led households according to the respondents. Now, I will not say that this is always caused by dominant women. But it does happen”

            The context in which you presented your survey results would seem to show that you believe the more domineering the wife, the less sex in a marriage. So, a wife who wants more sex should be less domineering and they will get more sex, right? WRONG.

            Correlation does not imply causation. That is what I mean when I say that introducing a correlation between headship and frequency into this discussion of lower MALE desire and refusal is just confusing the issue.

            You then go on to quote some of your respondents, most of which I would guess are higher drive men who are gatekept/refused by their dominant wives, so that is not actually the women that she is talking about (she is saying women who want more sex than their husbands need to submit more, and women refusers do not fall into that category). Correct me if I’m wrong, and the quotes you put there are from the 3% of men in your survey that say they have a lower drive than their wife.

            I am not trying to attack you, but I am just extremely saddened by the attempt to explain away low male desire and male refusal as being caused by lack of submission from wives.

            • Yes, I agree. That’s what I meant by:

              “Now, I will not say that this is always caused by dominant women. But it does happen.”

              By that, I meant (but apparently was not clear enough) that while there are quite a few cases like this, it does not follow through that it is always the case.

              As you said, correlation does not imply causation. I never meant to imply causation by anything I said.

              I thought the entire thrust of the post was clear and I didn’t think it was necessary to expound again on the same topic on the same page, but I see I was wrong.

              You are correct, those responses are from high-drive spouses, I never meant anyone to infer otherwise.

              So, let me try this again and be perfectly clear (I hope):

              There are marriages (more than we think or know) where the husband (being male) does not want sex more than the wife (being female). His sex drive (libido) is less than hers, and instead of dealing with it, confronting the issue, or attempting to please his wife, he instead avoids sex, puts down offers/requests for sex and even insults his wife in order to push her away.

              In many cases there is absolutely nothing the wife has done to deserve, warrant, cause or otherwise bring this action/attitude to be in her husband, and there often little she can do, or say, or change, or otherwise affect this behavior.

              Don’t worry, I do not feel attacked, merely frustrated by my inability to communicate what I am thinking. I set out to bring something to light to help my sisters-in-Christ in their marriages, and, apparently, I have only succeeded in insulting one of the very people I was trying to help.

              • In reply to submissive wife, while I totally understand that men who feel castrated by their wives dominance are likely to not desire sex, sadly your comments are exactly why the average christian women with a low drive husband doesn’t bring up the issue. Because they end up with accusations of “oh the problem must be you aren’t submitting enough”.

                But it is actually an incorrect view of submission that leads to some of the huge problems for christian women who are being refused. They are told (incorrectly) that they should submit to their husbands in bed, and if their husbands rarely want sex, they should just shut up and put up with it. Which is wrong – the bible teaches that the man’s body belongs to the wife (just as the wife’s body belongs to the man). That a man has a duty fo fulfil his wife sexually, and should only refuse sex (outside of a genuine inability to due anything of a sexual nature due to illness etc) by MUTUAL consent for a time of prayer.

                The problem that many man who refuse have (and is sadly backed up by many pastors and counsellors) is that they believe that a wife should just submit to his constant refusal and not every try to change the pattern of refusal.

                Refused men don’t go through this garbage. In fact, many times they get the exact opposite – both they and their wives are told, she should just submit and have sex whenever he wants. But refused women just get told they should submit to their husband’s lack of desire and not attempt to change it.

                I am aware this is a generalisation, but it’s a VERY common occurrence, and this is the first blog I have ever read by a christian man telling guys to shape up and provide for their wives’ sexual needs.

                There are a lot of submissive christian women out there who are really hurting because of being refused by their husband. Whenever they try to raise the issue with anyone, they are told just to submit to what their husband wants, and if they speak up a second time, they are told they are bad wives, bad christians etc.

                In my own marriage, I have terrible troubles with my husband’s dominance. He is not domineering – don’t misunderstand on me that. But he is stubborn, and has never been willing to submit to anyone, even when biblically he probably should have. Once he makes up his mind about something, no matter how much it makes me suffer, there is no changing his mind. He knows I will submit without argument, but there are times when I should argue and he should listen, but I realised right from the start that he won’t listen. And what is worse, is there are many issues he should be leading but he is wracked by indecision – he refuses to lead, to make decisions, but at the same time, he won’t delegate to me, even when making no decision has far worse consequences than the worst decision he could make for the situation as long as he actually made a decision.

                I have no problem with submitting – I have given up a lot for him, moving away from my family and friends, giving up not just my job but my whole career that I had spent 8 years at uni working towards because I can’t get a job in the industry due to moving half way across the country, I have given up most of my interests because he has declared we have money problems and can’t afford them, and so on. But I have no regrets about any of it. Spending two weeks away from him visiting my family is a poignant reminder that I’d rather be here with him, than have all the things I had before we got married. I would follow him anywhere, and do anything he asks that is physically within my capability of doing as long as it wasn’t immoral. All without hesitation and without regret.

                Our lack of sex has nothing to do with lack of submission. It may have something to do with the fact that he’s not taking a proper leadership role, but that is his personal decision and all I can do is encourage him to either be more decisive or to delegate to others when he feels too depressed/stressed to make a decision and one needs to be made. I don’t want to lead at all. I hate leading, despise it with a passion. In my career, I have deliberately taken lower paying jobs and jobs much below what others expected me to do with my IQ and previous education, because I don’t want to be in charge of anyone. It’s not within my personality.

                But none of that is changing our sex life. To be honest, I think if I got less submissive with our sex life, I’d get more sex, not less.

                But anyway, here I sit after a two week holiday, back 48 hours and been rejected more than a dozen times. He’d rather play stupid computer games than go to work or have sex. I mean, hey, I can understand the desire for wanting to play computer games rather than go to work, but we’re already struggling financially according to him (I think he doesn’t understand what financial struggle really is, but until you’ve been through what I went through for years, few people do understand what real struggle is), but we need him to go to work. But giving up sex after two weeks away from each other which he has spent playing computer games for 12+ hours nearly every single day, so he can play computer games? I can’t take it anymore.

        • YES! Spot on! When I let him have his way, we had sex maybe 10-12 times a year, and it was AWFUL! I was the submissive wifey through and through, and I think it turned him off more than anything. I told him that I cannot wait for him to initiate, that it was killing our marriage. It’s gotten better, I would say our frequency is about 40+ a year, or about once every 1 1/2 weeks. I need it about 2 times a week, and he said he could go with every 2 weeks.
          I guess I have to humble myself that he has some sort of disability where he just doesn’t feel like it, and that I have to initiate. (And he dies have bipolar, and takes meds, though he and his doctor swear up and down that the meds have no bearing on his sex drive. I doubt it.

          • Kat may I ask specifically what med he is on? I don’t know of any bipolar knows where sexual dysfunction is NOT a common potential side effects and I know my psych meds well and truly. it’s not a guaranteed side effect (and some meds are better than others), but it’s definitely possible with 99% of them. Also, do you know his history of interest in sex before meds?

            Although keep in mind, both depression and mania can lower sex drive sex. Most people when manic want it more, but in others it can actually lower sex drive because they are too caught up in their mania to think about sex.

            I have the exact same situation, except thankfully at the moment I feel so sick from being pregnant I can cope with once a week, but still, I get sick of doing most of the initiating.

            I too need it at least twice a week normally and it’s hard to cope with. Hubby has been honest if it were up to him, he’d only do it about once a month. Thankfully it looks like antidepressants are helping slightly with that.

            But please don’t settle for the current situation. If it his meds, that can be changed. If it his bipolar, he should be able to get help for it. And if it’s neither, then it’s some issue inside of him that can (and should be) addressed.

            Praying for you mate.

          • Most meds dealing with anything psychological have a sexual side effect. But, as ButterflyWings said, the bipolar comes with it’s own set of sexual side effects as well.

            I’m glad to hear it’s gotten better!

      • Don’t kid yourself, I’ve been a stay at home mum for the past 7 years, I relinquished control a long time ago, willingly I might add, and became an old fashioned wife & mother. Sadly I have a very poor sex life. My husband complains about the burden he has being the sole provider, that it puts too much pressure on him. He now hardly ever touches me and I’ve literally and pathetically begged him to want me. I now wish I hadn’t relinquished control, I’m trying to regain my life, and heading quickly toward a divorce. I am devastated by his betrayal of our love. I am not unattractive, I haven’t lost my figure even after 2 children, I keep myself fit, healthy and well groomed. I am a very confident positive person, but I find it hard to be happy around him anymore. I have tried everything, from leaving him be, to caring for him emotionally, and the obvious to no avail. We have even tried counselling. He claims he wants to as much as I do, yet never initiates. I am tired of being his maid and child minder. I am married not dead, I need sex just as much as I ever did. It is nice to see this problem being acknowledged for a change. Like the writer said, Men have excuses for not wanting it, women aren’t allowed to. It’s always the woman’s fault whether she wants it or not. As usual, women are treated unequal to our male counterparts. It is not O.K to neglect your wife, emotionally or physically. It’s that simple. If you do, don’t be surprised when she asks you for a divorce.

        • Did you ever find out what the root cause of his not initiating is? Could it possibly be medical? It would be a shame to divorce over something he’s not aware he has control over, especially when it could be resolved.
          I’d urge you to continue fighting for your marriage. Divorce will harm you, your husband and your children for the rest of your lives, and will likely affect your future grandchildren, their spouses and their children.

          • yes I did, he has been thinking about his ex (from 14yrs ago)sexually and using it to satisfy himself without me for the majority of our marraige. I never thought a betrayal of the heart would hurt so much. It didn’t hurt this much when my Mother died. Now I know why he can’t even look at me when he kisses me.

    • Wow this response is just perfect and really speaks to me. It gives me hope that when we finally move out of living with my parents and into our first home together I can let my husband finally have some more control and dominance and say in our choices. I am definitely a control freak , I admit that, but its been so hard not to seem ALWAYS in control when we live with my parents and family (only choice we had whilst saving and building our home)

  • Thank you for the excellant article and research. I think the refused wife numbers may be even higher than that. Form small group discussions my wife and I have found that for the wife, being refused is so embarasssing and/or humilating, that most will not even talk about it. So yes, they suffer in silence. Some men simply don’t get it that if they prefer to watch a TV program when their wife would like to make love – they’re refusing her. Worse, they’re ‘ranking’ her and their marriage in importance in their life. TV first – wife second. Then when the husband finally does show up for bed, wife is by this point too tired – yet he claims that he was the one refused!! This is a personal example of my refusal. Only when called out about it in marriage counseling, did I realize what I was doing. Up until that point – I would never have accepted the title of refuser.

    • Thank you that additional perspective and for being willing to admit it. Having the will to deal with it and turn the situation around seems to be rare.

    • Was reading an article a few days ago from some aussie university. Uni of Sydney maybe? Where they did a proper research study recently and found 1 out of 6 relationships involved the woman having a higher sex drive. And a big chunk of the others involved either equal drive, or equal no drive. So I’d say when it comes to being refused, it may not be 50/50, but that still means a LOT of the people being refused are women.

  • Oh, I like that deelmo. That’s very true. I have to admit we have a “window” of opportunity over here. It’s not that I’m denying him, ever actually, and he knows this but I do need my sleep and after a certain point the window will close. Somehow he always makes the window in time :-) It comes down to priorities from both the husband and wife.

    • Yeah, I don’t initiate sex after 11pm, it’s just too hard on my wife the day after. But, sometimes she will initiate after 11pm (I function fine on little sleep, so that’s never an issue).

  • Yeah, men don’t seem to have a problem with that, what’s the saying, something about a man will always choose sex over sleep… :-)

    • That seems a bit insensitive Jessica, considering the topic of this blog post. It is exactly that kind of mindset and attitude that causes us “unicorns” to suffer in silence.

  • I had no intention of being insensitive. First, you are correct, my comment probably does not line up accurately with the post but I was responding to Jay Dee, not necessarily everyone. Second, I didn’t make up the saying, only repeating it. And third, I understand as well as anyone what it feels like to suffer in silence having had a terminally ill husband for three years, in my thirties ,and yes, I was a wife who did enjoy sex and could not have it due to his medical condition. I didn’t mean to be offensive, I apologize if it came across that way.
    Jessica recently posted..The Day That Changed It AllMy Profile

  • I know you didn’t mean anything by it, but this is a poignant example of one of those stereotypes in our society that we repeat without thinking.

    The fact is, not all men would always choose sex over sleep. Some men will always choose sleep over sex, and its more than the world is ready to admit. Likewise, there are many more women that will choose sex over sleep than is commonly accepted as well.

    I think we need to do our best to challenge these stereotypes, instead of continuing them, and I think the hardest part, as this shows, is that its so pervasive, that we often aren’t even aware that we’ve done it. Its going to take a while for society, and that means all of us, to shift this thinking.

    • My husband frequently chooses sleep over sex. Although it may be because he plays computer games til the early hours of the morning (and sometimes the later hours of the morning) and only gets off the computer when he is too tired to keep his eyes open anymore.

  • As a medical professional, I have to point out that other issues with the man not wanting sex as much as the wife could be physiological. Low testosterone, depression, too little sleep or lack of quality sleep or poor diet could all lead to decreased sex drive- regardless of who’s dominant and who’s submissive.

    I don’t know the age range of your audience, so the following assumes a couple in their 40s-mid-50s. When women reach their 40s they often have more energy (especially once they get their hormones under control if they’re menopausal) as their children are likely grown or typically more self-sufficient, they’ve probably got the birth control thing figured out- likely through vasectomy or tubal ligation, and they’re finally getting comfortable in their skin. Women at this age are often highly motivated to change their negative habits- eat better, exercise more, relax more- basically take good care of themselves. All of these can contribute to her being more revved up for sex at a time when her husband’s drive may be lowering.

    This is the time when if we don’t get serious about our health, real problems start happening. Men, in general, aren’t the health leaders in the home (even if they are head of their household) and they lag behind their wives in turning things around. They also may be working long hours and be exhausted. Sleep apnea could be an issue- where they may be clocking enough hours, they’re not getting good, quality rest. Also, in the 40s-50s, testosterone levels may dip. While women are used to seeking hormonal help around menopause, men aren’t likely to seek help or even know it could be an issue. And many men wouldn’t even think about discussing sex problems with their physician.

    So- when I said women’s dominance over their husbands could be a culprit, clearly it’s not the only one.

    I’m in a marriage where the health issues have all been addressed- we eat well, sleep well, exercise regularly, give each other “me” time to be alone, with friends, etc, and have our hormones regulated. So, for ME, becoming submissive has had a subtle, yet profound, effect on our relationship. It’s taken a great marriage and is making it absolutely rock solid.

    Another factor that I didn’t mention, and others have, is that not every man is cut out to be the leader. Some have little ambition or vision and are not likely to change- not that they can’t, it just doesn’t seem to be in their nature. It’s also possible that they have a lack of self-confidence because no one’s ever believed in them and given them the authority that could bring out the leader in them. Who knows? There are all kinds of reasons.

    It’s critical WHO we choose to marry. I was married before and made a very poor choice. He was someone I could never see myself being submissive to because I had no confidence he would be a strong leader and make decisions in our best interest. His character was weak, and mine wasn’t much better. Of course, this is looking back. At the time, I never considered the dominant-submissive roles.

    When I married the second time, I was very careful what kind of man I chose, and worked hard to improve myself so I could be a wife deserving of such a husband. I chose well. He is a great leader, not perfect, but always has our best interests in mind. He has a solid character. I am proud to be submissive to him. I just wish it hadn’t taken me over 15 years to realize how critical this is to our happiness and the health of our family.

    Admittedly, we had a pretty good sex life before, but right now we both feel like newlyweds and from what I’ve heard from other dominant/submissive marriages, that often continues- in other words, the honeymoon period doesn’t wear off. Time will tell- as for right now, we are thoroughly enjoing ourselves.

    • I don’t buy the physiological issue. I have fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, riddled with tendonitis, tendinopathy, osteoarthritis and other issues through nearly all my joints, diabetes, hormonal imbalances, thyroid issues that won’t settle despite being on medication, genetic severe vitamin and mineral deficiences that aren’t well controlled even with supplements, chronic severe pain from injries that multiple operations have failed to fix, sleep apnoea, obesity and more things that aren’t coming to me right now, as well as being pregnant, got really bad morning sickness, constant headaches from the hormones and just generally feeling yuck. I also have PTSD which includes dealing with major depression, anxiety, low self esteem and horrible body image issues. I have been a victim of rape and sexual assault, and my first husband was a violent monster who stalked me for years after our separation

      But despite all that, I manage to still want sex every day when not pregnant, and nearly every day since being pregnant (and I’d still want it every day if I wasn’t so revolting sick all the time).

      I can understand low testosterone being a reason to not initiate sex, but not to constantly refuse. And as for depression, having a spouse desiring you and constantly telling you how great you are should make things better and shouldn’t lead to refusal. And lack of sleep? Between my fibromyalgia and sleep apnoea, I’m constantly in a daze of exhaustion, but it doesn’t stop me. Lack of sleep is just a poor excuse.

      Female refusers aren’t allowed these excuses, so I don’t see them as valid excuses for men either. Low testosterone even… thats not a valid reason to refuse, only an understandable reason not to initiate. And it’s something that no man has any right to hide behind. It’s easily diagnosed and treated, and men like my husband who refuse to get tested because it’s an “insult to their manhood” to even suggest they have low testosterone, annoy me because it’s silly and selfish and just bad for themselves, with the medical consequences of untreated low testosterone, not just for their sex life. I too am a healthcare professional, and I get tired of being refused and having hubby getting really angry at me on the few occasions I nicely ask him to go get tested and treated. But he thinks he knows better than me. I only spent nearly the entire last decade (more than 15 years if you count my previous studies in science and psychology) studying the human body and human sexuality and sexual dysfunction. But hey what would I know right?

  • I would give anything to make love with my husband more than once maybe twice a week.
    Not sure I can say I’m being rejected because it’s his work hours which make him so extremely tired during the week, but it still hurts all the same.
    I am 48 and he is 58, and due to blood pressure meds needs vit. V to help things along.
    I definitely have a higher drive and have cried to him about my need of more sexual intimacy with him.
    And so tonight I sit here alone crying, again, while he has gone to bed at 7:30.
    I have prayed for a diminished drive and I only once in a blue moon allow myself to initiate, which is always turned down. I’m trying so hard to ignore my sexual desire.

    We only make love during the weekend and usually on Saturday mornings, then if I’m lucky again on Sunday morning. But he shared too that it is hard for him physically to make love more than every few days.

    I try hard not to pleasure myself during the week, but it gets so hard not to when I’m in the mood and nothing happens. And please don’t start on me about the wrong of doing that.
    My desire gets so strong, and yes, at times I share my desire with my husband, but if he’s tired, he’s tired.
    And then of course, the guilt. I should be more understanding of him being tired, but honestly, after a week of no sexual intimacy it gets hard to keep my focus where it should…that he provides for us allowing me to stay home, that he is a good, loving man and always makes sure I’m taken care of in the bedroom when we do make love. He is not selfish sexually at all, just not that interested.

    So, it is not always the man being refused and if it is maybe he should really make sure he is not being selfish in the bedroom so that his wife actually wants to make love again and again.

    Sorry this is more of a rant than anything really intelligible. Just so tired of hearing how I need to be more submissive, respectful and give better blowjobs so he will want me more. ;(

    • You can rant away. I hope this is and can be a safe place for people to do so.

      Thank you for sharing your story, though I’m sure it was hard to do. A lot of what you wrote resonates with me, because I’ve been through it with the genders flipped.

      And I understand the frustration of being told to be more submissive, respectful, give better blow-jobs, etc. and it not working. I tried the version for guys of: be more loving, do more housework, help out with the kids more, without any success.

      Yes, those things can help in some situations (probably many situations, or else people wouldn’t keep saying this works), but in cases where the refusing spouse doesn’t think there is an issue, or doesn’t want to confront the issue, or is just being selfish, it’s not going to make any difference at all.

      And I’m willing to bet that with his main excuse being that he’s too tired from work, you’re holding out on the hope that when he retires, things will improve (and I sincerely hope they do!). I had a similar hope. I had basically given up on having a sex life until my wife hit her sexual peak mid-thirties, or whenever it might happen for her. I had basically give up hope of sex with my wife by age 25.

      I prayed for the diminished drive, I prayed for her increased drive, I even prayed for Jesus to come back sooner so I don’t have to deal with the pain of rejection anymore (yep, end the world, I’m suffering enough).

      And I know how hard it is to keep your hands off of yourself, because we were made to be sexual, and without an outlet, when you are in a marriage, which was designed to BE the outlet, it’s incredibly hard to resist that part of yourself, and I don’t think we were ever designed to resist it. I believe it is only because of sin that we have circumstances where we do have to learn to resist that temptation. And I know that God will give us the strength to resist temptation, but it’s so hard to give up that control to him.

      In your case, if I could be so bold, may I offer a suggestion, realizing I don’t really know enough to have even a guess at whether this would work in your marriage:

      Can you ask your husband to participate in your masturbation? That way, he doesn’t have to do all the physical “work”, just be with you, hold you, share that bond. I mean, I’m not that interested in gardening, but if my wife asks me to sit outside and talk to her while she gardens, I’ll do it because she wants my company. I know, it’s not quite apples to apples, but if you haven’t asked, it’s worth a shot, maybe?

      • Thank you for the reply. I’m not quite as emotional today as I was last night, LOL!

        This is a second marriage for both my husband and I. I was married for 20 years to an abusive man. And suffice it to say, there was no lovemaking, just sex done his way from what he had observed through porn and absolutely no pleasuring me on his part at all. Never. It was my “problem”.

        My husband is a wonderful loving man who loves me so deeply. We have a very special relationship. We are soul mates.
        Our lovemaking is amazing, when we get the chance or maybe, make the time.
        His work hours see him up at 3am, home by 5pm and usually in bed no later than 8pm. My two teen sons live with us and so that can make it hard to get any alone time. Plus, my husband is just plain tired.
        So, usually it Saturday mornings as I mentioned above and usually again on Sunday morning.

        This morning he of course was ready and willing, but I had to be somewhere early so I knew it was going to have to be quick…in other words, just for him since the ticking clock was going to make it very hard for me to O very quickly.
        I honestly was feeling a little resentful this morning because I had been in the mood the last few nights, but nothing happened. So, after saying a silent prayer that my resentment would fade and I would be content in not having an O, I started pleasuring my husband. He honestly does not like to finish unless I’ve O’d but this morning when he said he could wait until later, I told him I wanted him to finish.
        Afterwards I was starting to feel resentful again and a little sad, because the chances of us doing anything tonight are small since it’s hard for him to come again so soon.
        So I pretty much just jumped out of bed and was silent for a while. Then before I had to leave, I tried to apologize for my poor behavior. I explained that as much as I really wanted to pleasure him I felt sad that it would be a while before we made love again and was feeling selfish that I didn’t get to O too.
        His response was that later tonight he was going to make sure I was completely pleasured. Well, we’ll see…likely he’s going to be tired from doing work around the house.

        I guess I’m embarrassed about asking my husband to just be with me while I masturbate. He doesn’t know that every once in a while I do it. But you are right that God will give me the strength to resist that temptation if I just ask Him to. And lately I really haven’t even wanted to, I’ve kind of gotten to where I don’t care much anymore whether I O, at least not by myself, so maybe that’s a good thing.

        Anyway, another long rant…I really enjoy reading your blog…

        • I’m OK with long rants, often I feel most of my posts are just long rants.

          I want to strongly encourage you to request that he help you/be with you for masturbation. I know it’s uncomfortable to start and even to bring up, it took us a long time to get used to it. In fact, I couldn’t even orgasm the first…I don’t know how many times.

          But once you do get used to it, it’s nice having that option there for those times when he can’t commit to full-out sex.

  • I am in a slightly different camp than.refused wives, but it is just as painful. I call myself a denied wife. A denied wife is a wife who wants sex (with an orgasm) and gets sex, but her husband will not ensure her an orgasm. I get frustrated because people say that I should just masturbate, use a toy, or refuse him until he figures it out. Or they say I shouldn’t let him enter me until he gives me an orgasm orally or manually. Easier said than done and I certainly don’t feel right returning tit for tat…refusal for denial. He can be a refuser,

    It is annoying to constantly read that I should be more submissive, do more for hubby, dress more for him, seduce him, give him all the sex he wants, refuse him all the sex he wants, demand from him, lay ultimatum like boundaries, don’t dress for him….blah blah blah. None of it works when it is a heart issue within him. You can’t manipulate out a heart issue.

    Plus, if we learned anything from refusing spouses and their refused spouses, it is all eccuses anyway. If you helped with the kids more, I’d be up for sex. So he completely takes over child care in the evening and she still says not tonight. We read about it over and over.

    When I confronted hubby he said, “fine, I won’t do it (refuse me in favor of masturbating)any more. Why are. you still crying? I said I’d stop!”. I said, “because your heart hasn’t changed.”

    • Sadly, I’ve been here as well, in a way.

      We had a long period (a couple years) where sex was painful for my wife (we didn’t know about lube, it hurt her, so she tensed up, which made it hurt, endless cycle). We hadn’t introduced mutual masturbation into our marriage yet or toys, and so, I would give her an orgasm manually or orally, afterwards, she would say “sorry honey, which there was something I could do for you”, roll over and go to sleep.

      I doubt the refuser ever wants to be a refuser (or denier), they just think they can’t or shouldn’t have to do whatever it is they should be doing. In my wife’s case, she didn’t feel she had the confidence or experience or anything to return the favour for fear of failure, so she just didn’t even want to try.

      She wasn’t being malicious, I’m not even sure you can call it selfish, in our case, but it hurt all the same, and at the time it certainly felt like she was being selfish, and I felt very cheated.

      • My husband flat out told me 3 times that he doesn’t like bringing me to pleasure. He doesn’t like manual or oral sex and only wants intercourse. He used to bring me to pleasure once in a while and was successful and always praised, but stopped. He told me, “but you always want it!”.

        I wish I understood. He won’t let me give him oral, either. I miss that. I asked why and he said that it just doesn’t turn him on, but I remember him directing me diwnward to give him oral or moving upward during missionary to give him oral. The last time he gave me oral was voluntary on his part and he really seemed to enjoy it. I don’t know what changed. He won’t say.

        • If I was in your shoes, I’d want to snap at his (sorry for the bluntness) really stupid comment of “but you always want it”, something like “well you always want to orgasm so what makes you so special that you think you should have it every time and I shouldn’t???”.

          But I know that only makes things worse not better.

          I do understand him with the whole not wanting oral sex. At least that’s the one thing hubby and I agree on. Beither of us like it or want it.

  • I just cannot put into words how humiliating and demoralising it is to be an unwanted wife. I mean guys are always up for it, aren’t they?

    I have a husband who truly loves me, he shows this in many many ways, he just doesn’t WANT me. he doesn’t notice me sexually has no interest in lingerie, or watching me undress, he doesn’t have any fantasies, doesn’t want to try new things I could go on for half a page about the things he isn’t interested in.

    Now he will make love to me, but 90% of the time I initiate and approx 2/3rd of those fail as he just isn’t interested.
    If I tell him I am really really in need he will make love with me simply because he loves me, but I never get the passion or heat, it leaves me feeling he is fulfilling a husbandly obligation, after such a session I maybe physically satisfied but often feel empty and sort of disgusted with myself that I actually coerced him into something he didn’t want. I love that he tries but hate that he actually has to try.

    I cannot count the amount of nights I laid there in tears simply unable to sleep.

    Instead of feeling I am desirable or wanted, I am left feeling there must be wrong with me that my own husband doesn’t desire me.

    • Apple, I am sitting here literally trying to hide the tears with my husband sitting less than a metre from me. I could have written word for word what you wrote. Every thing you said about your husband, every emotion you said you feel is my exact situation.

      As soon as I write one more email, I am heading off to bed to cry myself to sleep after 48 hours of constant rejection after two weeks away from each other. Short of begging like a dog, he wouldn’t have sex with me tonight. We have sunk to sex less than once a fortnight, he barely goes to work once a week, yet he still stubbornly insists his depression isn’t that bad, that he doesn’t low testosterone (hasn’t been checked! refuses to get tested), and that I am the freak for expecting we should be having sex at least 2-3 times a week.

      It is even worse, that for me this is the second marriage that I have been rejected, albeit just in different ways. For my first husband, having sex twice a day wasn’t enough for him, even though he could have had it so much more if he wasn’t out doing drugs to the early hours of the morning with his deadbeat mates literally every day. He had dozens of long term mistresses and hundreds of casual sex partners (male and female). Nothing I gave him was ever enough. Even things that I found disgusting (eg oral sex), even things that I found agony painful (eg anal sex, especially after severe tearing that hasn’t healed properly even a decade later), nothing no matter how dirty, painful and degrading was enough for him. I was never enough for him.

      And now I have a husband who rejects me altogether and never wants sex, and for a while there we even got up to twice a week, most weeks, but even then, it was only to shut me up, not because he wanted sex. I can only remember once having sex that he actually wanted.

      I’m too tired and sick to keep trying anymore. I guess I should be grateful that he actually finally gave me sex at the right time after months so that we have a baby on the way, and accept that he will never desire me or even try to meet me even half way or quarter way of fulfilling any of my desire and should resign myself to the fact I’m fat, ugly and annoying and no man will ever want me that way. I’m too tired to keep trying anymore

      • ButterflyWings my heart is hurting for you, I wish I had the words to bring you some comfort here.

        I will pray for you x

        • Thanks Apple. Today was a much better. I actually had a day where hubby didn’t ignore me. Having some health issues so it’s probably the worst sex we’ve ever had, but honestly I don’t care. I mentally feel so much better even though it means a trip to the doctor tomorrow. I’ve just been so worried about hubby and I can’t cope with being strong for him when he totally pushes me away physically and mentally. I’m sure tomorrow it will be back to him pushing me away, but I can cope for up to a week usually before it gets to me. And I’ve had some other hopefully good news on a non relationship issue that hopefully will help hubby feel less stressed and hopefully less anxious and depressed as a result. It won’t fix our sex life, but at least if he gets undepressed, theorectically we should go back to once a week. Still painfully refused on a near daily basis, but once a week is still better than once every 2-3 weeks. And maybe the horrible morning sickness that kicked in today (something that happens for me at the start of the second trimester) will put me off wanting it as much.

          Thank you for your prayers. I believe that is what has made the difference to my day. Prayers from lovely people I’ve opened up to online about our sex issues, and prayers from family and friends over getting a job. The job isn’t confirmed (not by a long shot) but the road block stopping me from being able to get work has been removed. Thank you so much.

          I hope and pray your situation improves soon too and that eventually things are fixed (sooner rather than later). *hugs*

  • I have been re-reading this blog and I am honestly moved to tears by the pain displayed and badly hidden here.

    I too am happy to be submissive to my husband, we mostly discuss things anyway and if we cannot agree I defer to his wishes. I actually think it is harder for him simply because if his choice is wrong he always feels so bad.

    The only place I push against his wishes is in the bedroom, quite simply if I didn’t let him know when I am “itchy” as we call it, or if I didn’t initiate myself we would maybe make love once a fortnight or even once a month.

    I wanted to remind husbands who consistently refuse their wives, that this can lead to them feeling unfeminine and undesirable and therefore vulnerable to the attentions of predatory men.

  • Now I’ve been married just over 45 years and when first married I required more sex and intimacy than my husband. We dated for a couple of years and we never had sex, I wouldn’t let it happen. He was in the military and when he returned home things were different, it could have been he grew up more. When we got married we had sex on our wedding night, I suppose it was clumsy but I figured it would get better with practice. My husband had other thoughts , first he couldn’t sleep with me, so he slept in a chaise lounge out by the pool of our hotel. I cried just about all night, I wanted him near me, In the morning the perfect storm was brewing in his mind! I was told that he wasn’t going on our honey moon, He even suggested I go by myself and maybe I could latch on to one of the local guys. I went balistic and told I wanted him, all he said was not him. We made a mistake by getting married. So in his mind he fixed the problem, he just moved to the basement, told me sex was disgusting, messy, smelly, gross to the point of vomiting and that he didn’t want sex from me or any one else. He preferd to just do without any sex at all, he worked the midnight shift for years, all holidays, weekends, never took vacation. Being ignored all these years has made me a cold, heart less person. If it wasn’t for my shrink and doctor, I would have killed myself or my husband.

    • Wow, Amy, I have no idea what to say. That’s … well, horrible.

      Well, I’m going to give the only thoughts I have, but please understand, I’m not in your situation, so while I understand this is hard, I really have no concept of how hard.

      Regardless of circumstance, God is enough. (2 Corinthians 12:9) Do not let your husbands issues drag you down. You have value being God’s child, and He cares for you. (Psalm 139:13-16)

      I doubt you are heartless, but I believe you are heart broken. (Psalm 34:18, 1 Peter 5:7) Draw closer to God, He can heal you if you let Him. (Jeremiah 17:14)

      I will be praying for you.

      • Jay, these are great scriptures to encourage someone but when you’ve been rejected by someone who said they will honour you with their body, and then reject you sexually is very hard to come to terms with….

  • I am a 25 year old wife of three years. I have never put any of this out for anyone to know, but i am so tired of hurting. I cry myself to sleep constantly beside a husband who doesnt even know. He has no interest in sex, it will be as long as 2-3 weeks inbetween each session, i start it every time and i am often refused. All i can think anymore is, im in a marraige where my husband does not want me. And im only 25. This has caused me to heed to the affections of other men, for which i deeply regret. I do not know how to fix this, i am losing hope as the days go by and have no idea how i can make it through a marraige with no intimacy. I feel like he is my best friend and my roomate, no longer are we lovers.

    • Hi Jess,

      I wish I had an answer for you. I do have a couple of directions to point you in though.
      1) Check out http://boards.themarriagebed.com. It is a Christian community with support for Christian marriages. There is a section there for people who are married to refusers. You aren’t alone. Some of the wives there might have insight better than any I could offer.
      2) Has your husband gotten his testosterone checked? This is often a primary cause of low-drive males.

      Lastly, don’t give up hope. I know many marriages where it took years to resolve this issue. It can still turn around.

    • Waoh..Jess you are 25..i’m glad you at least get sex 2-3 weeks. i’ve been married for 18 months and i can count the number of times i’ve had sex. 4 times in 2013 and may be 6 times during our first 6 months of marriage…..i’m 42 and my husband is 47. i want children he now says that he doesnt children. you are young. i understand exactly how you feel sleeping next to a man who is fast asleep while you are crying….we are room mates for sure….sorry but you will need to decided soon what to do with your marriage. you are too young to go through this for the next 80 years1111

      • @Ellie. Jesus was too young to go through what He went through – age has nothing to do with choosing self over life or death of a marriage.
        Robyn Gibson recently posted..What Purpose Does a Godless Marriage Serve?My Profile

        • Hi Robyn
          Thanks for your response but I dont quite follow through what you mean? Jesus was too young.

          Which person can live with a man for a lifetime without their sexual needs being met? Unless they both married for every other reason apart from sex…or they have been married before and they are in their 80s and 90s. I meants its tough to contemplate a lifetime without love..

          If ive misunderstood what you meant then im sorry.

          • No apology necessary Anonymous. I was responding to Ellie’s counsel for Jess to give up on her marriage and choose self instead of carrying a cross for her brother in Christ. Jesus didn’t give up and abandon us. Yet this counsel advises someone to say, “ouch God You cannot help me – this cross that YOU have laid on me is just too heavy.” it is a victim mentality and is powerless as such.
            Robyn Gibson recently posted..Are You Timid & Afraid?My Profile

  • Thank you for bringing this information to light and for helping break this stereotype. It is so hurtful to hear things like “a man will always choose sex over sleep”, expect that your husband will pursue and desire bc sex is listed as a man’s greatest need in every marriage blog and book, to hear jokes about wives never desiring sex, to feel un-desirable. The rejecting, non-pursuing husbands need to understand what hit their wives are taking in self-esteem and thinking she is ugly to you. So hard to admit in any circle bc it is admitting your husband is less than as a man in society’s eyes and standards and you are less than as a woman. where as a man being refused can still hold onto his masculine dignity.

    • You’re very welcome. I hope one day it becomes something more socially acceptable to talk about so that marriages like yours can start to heal.

  • i have a question. i read about low testosterone in men and women…does anyone know any good herbal medicine that i can try to use for my husband because he will not go to see a GP? i think he has a problem but as most of us know men don’t like GP’s…

    i’m at the end about to end my marriage because i waited until i was 39 before i had sex. i wanted to wait until i got married.. i though God would honour that and give me a happy marriage but look at me…i’m so unhappy!!!!

  • I have been married for 10 years and have 2 children 9and 6 both boys. My husband is 49 and I am 43. We have not had sex in a years and I keep giving excuses for him but I have come to the end of my rope. He has blood presssure, pinched nerve, and shoulder problems. I asked him what is wrong but he has no answer. Can you give me some idea please I am a basket case and I don’t want to end my marriage I still love him and he say he does too so what is wrong!

  • I am also only 25 years old and my husband is 27. We have been married 6 years and have three children. I would love to have sex everyday but my husband is fine with once a week or less. I do feel shame as a woman and i feel very unattractive that my husband who is only in his 20s would rather sleep or watch tv than have sex with me. I thought my husband getting a vasectomy would make frequency better but it has only gotten worse since his surgery back in december. Just last week he had vacation for 9 days and we only had sex three times (which is a huge number for him). He also shows no affection, no flirting, and doesn’t speak affectionately towards me. I don’t know what to do. I try to show him affection and love with actions and words but he doesn’t respond. He is for sure the head of the household and enjoys his role but when it comes to sex he just isn’t interested except when he initiates about once a week. I try to initiate throughout the week (with saying something naughty, putting his hand on my body, or touching his penis, etc.) but he doesn’t care. It has been this way for almost three years. Then when we finally do have sex he just wants to get it over with and i end up feeling like a garbage bin where he just deposits his load and nothing else. It feels hopeless. Just wanted to let other women know they are not alone and to break the silence.

  • My heart breaks for Tammy and Anonymous. It definitely messes with your mind when your man doesn’t initiate. I am married for 3 years and we have a 14 year age difference (34 and 48). I initiate 90% of the time and thankfully he is receptive and sex is great. But the fact that he never reaches for me kills me inside. I’ve never felt less sure of myself in a relationship and don’t feel wanted in my marriage because he never starts sex. I’ve cried and begged repeatedly. We are going to therapy. He finally admitted that he is afraid of having performance issues and he has struggled with low testosterone. It really broke my heart. Hopefully the therapist can help us. It definitely makes you feel like less of a woman when you’re man doesn’t reach for you. Husbands if you read this, make sure your wife knows she is sexually desired by taking action! Otherwise you are putting your marriage in a very risky place.

  • I’ve been married going on 46 years and my husband and I had sex one time in all these years. He hated sex and the thought of having sex with me was gross and inhuman. We never had alot of money, just enough to live on. I could only get low paying jobs. So he worked day and night, we had no kids he hated kids. He lived his life in our basement where he ate and slept. I grew lonely and depressed, but I had to keep moving forward. Finally after years I just gave up with him, he didn’t care about me there was no communication or love. I was stupid and it was my own fault for not leaving him, I only stayed because I haven’t any personal money. Being in my mid 60′s doesn’t help me no where to go. No one should feel sorry about me because I’m just as much at fault he is. I should have moved on in my life. Any one stuck in a no life marriage and has tryed every thing to fix there marriage should just move on.

  • I also have been refused. I ve been married for 8 yrs and in the past 4 years our see life as. Beeb decreasing . He hardly makes love to me always tired or waits after I ve slept b4 coming to bed. The sad thing is that we are yet to have children which we desire. He is 42 yrs and I am 36yrs. Some times I suspects he is fooling around with other women, my reason are as follows.
    1. He has his own coy, ie he can decide to close at any time
    2. He stays out late to abt 10pm to 11pm with unknown friends
    3. He does bring his friends home hence I don’t known his friends
    4. When going. Out doesn’t disclose his destination.

    Right now he sleeping while I cannot sleep because I am see starved. He initiates wen he feels like and stay for another 2 weeks or more. I noticed that when ever we make love is errection is some how week. The question is he depressed or he is cheating on me.

  • All I’ve been asking for/praying for is a husband. Ex was unfaithful, twice. I so want to be married. Single Women who do not ‘put out’ are being ignored by the men in the USA. Sadly, the only ones who seem to pursue/desire marriage & contact me the most on line dating sites are Muslim men!

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