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Hot and Monogamous, just as God intended

Beginner_Bondage_QuestionsAlright, my last post (My Wife Wants Me To Tie Her Up?!) raised a lot of questions, so I’m going to address them in this post.  This is going to be much more of an FAQ/How-To whereas Part 1 was more of a theological/philosophical discussion.  If you haven’t read it yet, I suggest finishing it first to frame this post correctly.  Go on, I’ll wait.

Alright, now I’m going to assume you’ve read it, so, let’s move on.

Warning: I’m going to link to amazon products, but they aren’t careful about models.  The products I’ll link to won’t have models, but I can’t guarantee there won’t be any on the page in related products, so, you’ll have to police yourself in that regard.  It may not be suitable for work.

I’m going to be writing this from the perspective of the husband as the dominant (giving) and the wife as the submissive  (receiving).  So, without further ado, on to the questions.

What equipment do you use and where did you get it from?

Bondage play can be as simple or complex as you like.   You don’t need to use any equipment if you don’t want.  Bondage can be 100% mental.  For example: tell your wife “hold the headboard, and don’t let go”.  Assuming she plays along, she is effectively “tied” to the headboard, but it gives her a lot of control, and she doesn’t need to step too much into uncharted territory.  This can be a good first step (though admittedly, one we’ve never used).

When we started out, the first thing we used were old ties.  Ones I didn’t like and didn’t care if they go wrecked/ripped/creased/stained.  Ties are great, because they are versatile and almost everyone has an old tie, or two, lying around.  Plus, they tend to be soft.  We used them to bind hands (like cuffs), feet, feet to hands, use them as a blindfold, etc..  The biggest downside: knots can sometimes be hard to get out of them, oh, and they only come so long.

After that, I thought it would be fun to have cuffs, but I was either too shy to enter a store, or I didn’t like the price of handcuffs.  Maybe both, I don’t remember.  So, I made my own pair out of industrial strength Velcro (which I had lying around from work).  One has the hooks side or the soft side, and the other has adhesive tape.  I cut lengths that fit around her wrists, then took a hook piece and a soft piece and put them back to back, so the adhesive sides stuck to each other.  So, two of those, and then a third to connect them.  It was more like a chain than cuffs.  Oh, put the soft side in towards the wrists, or they will be very uncomfortable.  Velcro is good, because, she could take them off if she needed (in an emergency), but the industrial strength Velcro is strong enough that there is no way she’d accidentally get free.  Anyways, you can buy a box of that stuff at Home Depot or wherever.

Then we were interested in ropes.  I bought some very nice Japanese bondage rope online (don’t remember where we bought from, but you can find it on amazon here).  I have a 30′ or 40′ length and a couple 6′ lengths.  We wanted one of those under-the-bed type systems where you can tied her spread-eagle, but they are pretty pricey, so I sort of fashioned one myself.  I ran a rope between the mattress and the box-spring.  Start head-left corner (loop on the end for a hand), then across to head-right corner (loop for hand), then diagonal to foot-left corner (loop for foot), then across to foot-right corner (loop on end of foot).  So, in essence you make a bit ‘Z’ under the mattress.  They way, no one is lying directly on rope or knots, and all you need is some soft rope so it’s not uncomfortable.

Rope is particularly nice if you have had training in tying knots (sailing, cadets, scouts, etc.), which I have, so that was a pretty easy transition.  I spent a bit of time online brushing up on my skills and learning some new knots specifically suited for bondage (don’t slip, so no worries about rope burn, pinching, or cutting off circulation).

Somewhere around this time, we started playing with blindfolds as well and bought a couple, but still haven’t found one we’re really happy with, they all seem to fall off fairly easily.  Blindfolds are fun, because they add to the trust aspect because the submissive one can’t see what’s coming.  Everything is a surprise.

From there, my wife wanted to try a spreader-bar (which, frankly, I was a bit shocked at, but willing to go along with).  This is the one we ended up buying. (Link is gone) Now, the great thing about this kit is all the possibilities it opens up and how easy it makes it.  You can just use the hand cuffs and connect them to each other.  You can connect the hand cuffs to the leg cuffs, you can use the spreader bar and connect the cuffs to them.  We’ve used the cuffs and the rope (all you need is a loop to connect them), and on and on the possibilities go.  More on that later.  But they are comfortable, easy to connect/disconnect, and Velcro, so no worrying about losing keys to locks.  Note: we don’t use the neck collar, because my wife is not comfortable with things around her neck, so we’ve never used it.  But having 2 different lengths of bars can make some interesting positions.

So, that’s basically where we are with the bondage gear.  I really don’t anticipate needing anything else.

Do you have sex while she’s bound?

Short answer: Yes.  Long answer:

It depends on how you bind her/tie her/restrict her.  If you do it in a manner that gives you access, isn’t more uncomfortable than she’s willing to deal with (let’s face it, you are restricting her, but at her desire, so it’s a balance), then yeah, there is no reason why you can’t have sex.  In fact, I’ve noticed my wife is more orgasmic in these scenarios, and there is a scientific reason for this.  The person being bound starts releasing adrenaline.  This is a survival mechanism to help in escape, should the chance occur.  Now, in this case, they won’t want to escape, but our bodies are hard-wired for this.  So they get an adrenaline boost, which increases the heart rate, which in turn increases blood flow, which in turn increases physical arousal/sensitivity (nipples/vaginal lips/clitoris expand and the nerves become more sensitive).  As well, all their senses are heightened.  It is no wonder it feels amazing.  Add to that the psychological response of “this is a bit naughty and against culture/rebellious” and you get a nice little dopamine kick as well (the “reward” neurotransmitter).  And then another nice little dopamine kick for being dominated (it’s exciting), and another one for trying something new.

And that’s just the first time.  After a while, the body starts remembering.  It translates being tied with being pleasured, or submitting to being pleasured.  There is a Pavlovian response cycle that starts.  I can see this response cycle start the moment we mention cuffs/blindfold/whatever, because she knows she’s in for a fun night and her body reacts.  This is like automatic foreplay (which isn’t an excuse to skip foreplay).

Now, of course, if you tied her in a way that doesn’t give access, then it’s hard, if not impossible, to have penetrative sex, but there are usually other options.  You might be able to perform oral sex on her, but more likely manual sex/vibrator/another toy is an option, as they take much less maneuverability.

Of course, if you really want her going, then go with the manual first, then move to intercourse, then, if she can take it and/or isn’t done yet, go back to manual.

What positions can you do?

Basically, the options are limited only by the equipment you have, the flexibility of your partner, her level of comfort, and you’re imagination.

This is not going to be an exhaustive list by any means, just a few to get your brain working so you sort of see some possibilities.  Often, people decide they want to start, but then there they are, naked, with gear, thinking…now what?  And that sort of kills the mood, because, well, the man is supposed to be dominant and know what he wants.  Any hesitation breaks the scene. (Note, one way around this if you pause to think is to say you are merely thinking about which thing you want to do first to her.  But after that, you better have a plan, or it will look twice as bad).

So, let’s start with very basic ideas.  These can done with ties, cuffs, ropes, scarves, whatever.

Hands tied in front – very simple beginner step.  Really does nothing but ease into the feeling of being restricted. Bondage without really being inconvenienced.

Hands tied above head – this is pretty simple.  Often people sort of do this without any gear, they just hold their partners hands down above their head.  Its simple, no discomfort usually but not a huge sense of a loss of control. You can escalate this by stopping movement either by tying their hands to the headboard, or, if, like us, you don’t have a headboard, or its solid, you can put their hands under the pillow under their head.   Adding a spreader bar to separate their arms makes access to their stronger arms muscles difficult, adding to the effect.

Hands tied to ankles – wife on back, left wrist to left ankle, right wrist to right ankle.  Basically, this is an involuntary version of the wife holding her legs during sex, so naturally, this works very well for sex.  This is a bit more for the wife.  It can get uncomfortable if prolonged.   To either make this more or less restrictive, you can shorten or lengthen the distant between the ankles and the wrists.  This is easier if you are using rope, or if you add an extra tie or scarf.  To ramp it up more, tied the wrists together as well, or use a spreader bad, ankles on each end, wrists toward the middle of the bar.

Hands tied to ankles (face down) – this is much more dominant, I think, because she’s face down and basically, its doggy style, but you tie her wrists to her ankles on each side of the body.  So, the ties are outside of the knees instead of inside the knees on the previous one.

Hands behind her back - this works best facedown, face up would be pretty uncomfortable.  Pretty much cuff/tie her hands behind her back.  then you can do doggy style, or have her prone in the CAT (coital alignment technique) position.

Hog tie – face down, wrists together behind back, ankles together near butt, connect ankles to wrists (use appropriate lengths of rope).  Can’t really have sex in this position, but, you sure can tease her a lot, and she can’t really move.

Spread eagle – just in case I need to explain this one, basically what your trying to do it tie their arms and legs as far from each other as you can, so she is completely spread open, no part of her is inaccessible.  You can do this face up, or face down.  But sex can be difficult, if not impossible.  This generally gets used more just for play and teasing.  Then you can release the legs and continue with sex while keeping the arms tied down.

So, that’s just a few ideas to get you started.  Of course, you can escalate any of these instantly, with a blindfold, by taking away her sight.

What about safety?

Safety is very important here.  If you are the dominant person in this play, that doesn’t mean you get whatever you want.  In a bondage scenario, dominant doesn’t just mean “in charge”, it also means you are the giver, the provider, the one responsible.  You need to be aware of both her mental and physical state.  Things you need to check for:

  1. Make sure she’s conscious.  Does she respond to stimuli (answers questions/prompts, makes sex moans, etc).
  2. Does she have sufficient blood flow.  Signs that she doesn’t: color change (hands or feet or whatever turn more red/purple/blue), temperature change (low blood flow is typically cooler skin to touch), responds to touch (can you feel this?) NOTE: Never tie around the neck with anything that might cut off circulation or air.  Be very careful with collars and the like.  You need to pay extra attention to what you are doing.  I wouldn’t try this for the first timer.
  3. Comfort.  This needs to be at your discretion.  I’d say to start, make sure she’s comfortable.  If you get further into play and more experience, you can start pushing this threshold if you like, but discuss it first!
  4. Is she sane?  Make sure she isn’t having a panic attack or anything like that, that her mind is still OK.
  5. Is she still consenting.  At ANY TIME she wants you to stop, you stop.  NO EXCUSES!  Get yourself a pair of Medial/Trauma Scissors and keep them nearby.  These will cut through almost any fabric.  Clothes, underwear, ropes, scarves, ties, etc.  But are very hard to cut skin with.  These are what ambulance drivers/EMTs/etc carry with them.  Very handy and pretty cheap.  I bought mine at a camping store in town for $8 I think.

Safe words

There is one caveat to #5:  IF you are playing role-playing games, or playing with make believe non-consent, or she likes to play “I don’t want it, but I do”, you need to be 100% clear ahead of time that No doesn’t mean No and Stop doesn’t mean Stop, and you NEED to pick a safe word that means STOP!  Something simple, like RED or BANANA.  You decide, but decide on something.  If she says “RED“, then you immediately stop what you’re doing and get her out of the restraints as fast as you can, something is wrong, assess the situation, and if there is no emergency (if there is, get to a hospital), discuss what happened.

Others make signals like this without that sort of role play just so they don’t have to interrupt their play to abrasively.  For example, if it’s getting a little…enthusiastic, or rough, maybe you have a code-word YELLOW which means, slow down, or take it down a notch.  That way you can easily just flow into something less discomforting to the submissive spouse and have a wonderfully fulfilling session, instead of stopping what you’re doing, untying, talking about it, and potentially killing the mood for the night.

After care

After care is anything that happens after you are “done” with the “session”.  Everyone is untied, the toys/gear is away, and you are lying in bed in that afterglow of post coital bliss.  Aftercare can be very important.  She need to know that you still respect her.  He needs to know that you don’t think he’s a masochistic dominating monster.  (The first time, these should probably be confirmed aloud, after a few times, a kiss can suffice).  There is the potential for adrenaline to be running through your system, and when that dies off, it can be a little depressing, so you might need that bonding of oxytocin, holding and talking to offset that.  The slump after the adrenaline is short, but if you just abandon your partner to go do something else, it can be pretty harsh, and they may never want to do it again.  Alternatively, if you can mitigate that with oxytocin (cuddling), then all she’s going to feel is that huge “reward” dopamine and “exciting” adrenaline during the play and the nice “safe” ocytocin after the play.  That’s a winning combo.

You’re Turn

Did I miss anything?  Keep in mind, I am not a professional, I’m not a doctor or a psychologist.  Don’t take my advice as anything medical or otherwise.  This is just information I have gleaned from all over the place and my own experiences.  If you have anything you’d like to add, please do below.  If you have any amazing positions you’ve found, feel free to bring them forward.  Of course, you can comment anonymously below or you can email me if you don’t wish it to be public.  I hope this helps answer your questions!

15 Responses to Beginner Bondage Questions

  • Nicely done!!
    Robyn Gibson recently posted..Flesh for Father’s DayMy Profile

  • Thank you for this. Very informative. I hadn’t even thought about digging out my husband’s old neckties. That is a great starting place. The trauma scissors are a great idea too. Can’t be too careful. I’d hate to have to call my kids in to release me in the event that (God forbid) my husband have a heart attack while I’m tied up. :-0

    • You’re welcome.

      Yeah, ties work great. When we go somewhere we’re going to be staying for a few nights, but we’re worried someone might see our luggage, I tend to pack ties instead of ropes… a little less conspicuous, just in case. Same if you’re crossing a border and might be searched, have fun explaining that one. I’m sure they see a hundred vibrators a day, but spreader bars…probably not so much.

  • I would love to reblog this on my blog. I suggest that we write guest posts on each other’s blogs because it has been proven that it will increase readership for both of us. What do you say?

    • You are more than welcome to re-blog it.

      I, at this point in time, have not opened up my blog to guest posts. For me, that’s a fairly monumental step out there as this blog is my voice, and to allow guest posts would change that in a way that cannot be undone. Not saying I’m against it, I’m just not ready for that at this time. That will need a lot of prayer and thought first. But, I will keep you in mind if/when I do decide to take such a step.

  • I love this post, too! Thank you!

  • For we did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear…

    • Romans 8:15. The Message paraphrase is particularly interested when quoted for this context:

      “This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” ”

      Are you saying that bondage is part of your adventurous, expectant life?

  • lol! Oh I was being a little tongue in cheek and forgot the ;-) icon. No, it’s not for me. I enjoy what we do without the need for chains also I was physically abused growing up so this would not be something I could entertain particularly as my parents would tell me they loved me before beating seven bales of crap out of me for little or no reason. Having said this, I am not afraid or ashamed to admit that I fully enjoy my husband being dominate in our bedroom by overpowering me or making our sexual choices or making me wait, I feel it’s my gift to him. :-)

    • No problem, it’s definitely not for everyone. As the site ChristianNymphos used to express, these are all just spices for our marriage, we can pick and choose which ones to flavor ours, there are some spices we should leave alone, and there are some that are just not right for us.

  • Nice intro to bondage! Very sensible advice.

  • I don’t think it’s godly. Of course, I am not God. But, what does pretending to bind, handcuff, or whip someone sound like something believers want to do. Seems disrespectful to our calling. If I want to be bound, gagged, and pretending to be raped, I would expect someone who didn’t love or care about me. I guess I am alone in this with posts I see, but I just don’t think it’s right because it robs intimacy. Play acting is for pornography stars in videos. Not us. We have called out. I can’t understand wanting to pretend in any of these fantasy games. They appear to objectify people.

    • Hey Godspeach:
      Sadly you reflect a lot of attitudes taught in churches, particularly to little girls: “that sex is bad, dirty and wrong and that good girls don’t do it” This often negatively conditions a woman for life from fully embracing her sexuality. The Bible actually have numerous sex positive messages in it. It is fantasy role play with the consent of both parties.

      Where is it written that play acting is only for porno stars in porno movies? How about talking dirty in bed? What about anal and oral sex? Many women have rape fantasies or rough sex fantasies. They don’t actually want to be raped but roughly taken by a strong self confident man who knows what he is doing. Sadly there is also no “school for sex” to teach men how to give their wives great sex.

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