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Hot and Monogamous, just as God intended

Why do husbands masturbate? This is the eighth post in the 1/2 Marathon being orchestrated by the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association.  I have a bunch of questions left from the A Males Perspective teleconference I spoke at last week.  As such, I’ll be using this marathon to answer some of the questions I received.  Please note, these are my perspective.  I cannot vouch for all males and when I’m giving my perspective on women, I certainly cannot vouch for all women.  Also, all references to gender traits are based on the average population, there are exceptions of course.  Please do not be offended by these if you are not “neuro-typical” for your gender.  So, on to the question:

Why do married men masturbate?

I’m expecting to lose some people on this one, but I’m going to write it anyways, because the question was posed, and I think it’s important.  If you disagree with me, please discuss it instead of just shutting it out because it’s uncomfortable to talk about.  

So, this is a question that I’ve been thinking about for most of my marriage.  I see a lot of arguments on both sides of the fence but the Bible isn’t explicitly clear on the topic, so that leaves me with logic, as I’ve always loved this quote:

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with senses, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use and by some other means to give us knowledge which we can attain by them.

-Galileo Galilei

Let’s look at some stats

According to a Kinsey Institute Survey, 72% of  respondents said they used porn to masturbate.  So let’s look at some porn statistics in Christian circles.

In 1996 a Promise Keepers survey at a stadium event revealed that over 50% of the attending men were involved with pornography in the last week.  You can bet that number is lower than reality as most people wouldn’t admit it.  Plus, this is only in the last week.

37% of pastors say that porn is a current struggle.

Over half of evangelical pastors say they have watched porn in the last year. (Scary, eh)

IN a 2000 Christianity Today survey, 33% of clergy admitted to having visited a porn site.  Of those, 53% have visited these sites “a few times” in the past year.  18% visit porn sites between a couple times a month and more than once a week.

57% of pastors say that addiction to porn is the most sexually damaging issue to their congregation (Christians and Sex Leadership Journal Survey, March 2005)

29% of born again adults in the U.S. feel it is morally acceptable to view movies with explicit sexual behavior (The Barna Group)

47% of families say porn is a problem in their home (Focus on the Family, October 1, 2003)

Why are we discussing porn?  Well, because if they are watching porn, you can bet they are masturbating.

But, now let’s look at some masturbation stats:

A survey of 600 Christian men by Dr. Archibald Hart revealed:

61% of married Christian men masturbate.

82% of these have “self sex” on average one a week, 10%  have sex with self 5-10 times per month.  6% more than 15 times per month, 1% more than 20 times a month.

13% of Christian married men said they felt it was normal.

At a poll at The Marriage Bed forums, over half the men said they were having sex with their spouse once a week or less.

Data into knowledge

In the above survey by Dr. Achibald Hart, we see 61% of Married Christian Men masturbate (wives, take a look at your husband, over 50/50 chance), and only 13% of them feel it is normal. That means that 53% of all Christian married men are masturbating and don’t feel it is normal.  Take another look at your husband if you are a wife there is a 50/50 chance he’s masturbating and doesn’t feel it’s OK, so he might not be sharing it with you.

Again, in the survey by Dr. Hart, if you add the figures up, 60% of married christian men are having sex with themselves once a week or more.  While in the marriage bed poll, over half the men said they were having sex with their spouse once a week or less.  Who wants to bet that a large overlap of these are the people who are having sex with themselves as often or more than with their spouse?

Now, if 53% of all christian men are masturbating and not feeling ok with it, and over half of of them men at the Promise Keepers convention said they have watched porn in the last week, that sort of adds up to a scary Venn diagram with a major overlap.  I posit that a very large majority of these Christian men are masturbating while watching porn.

 What does the Bible say?

As I said, there are none that explicitly talk about masturbating, but I think we can find some applicable verses:

Matthew 5:28 – But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

If you are masturbating and thinking about someone other than your wife, this is adultery.  Plain and simple.

Ephesians 5:3 – But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality,or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.

Now, the standing that masturbating is sexual immorality is weak, so I’m not going to argue that one here.  But I will argue that a lot of spouses are masturbating out of greed.  They are taking what they want where they can get it instead of where God designed your sexual energy to be focused at (a man’s wife).

1 Timothy 1:18-19 – Timothy, my son, I am giving you this command in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by recalling them you may fight the battle well, holding on to faith and a good conscience, which some have rejected and so have suffered shipwreck with regard to the faith.

Here Paul tells Timothy to hold on to the faith and a good conscience.  As we saw earlier from the stats, most men who are masturbating do not have a clear conscious about it.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 – It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God;

And a call to control yourself, to not be overtaken by passionate lusts.

But, I think the largest argument is not an explicit verse, but rather the overriding message of the Bible with regard to marriage and sexuality.  100% of your sexual energy should be devoted to your spouse.  That means when you are unmarried, you are not expending sexual energy.  Otherwise, by doing so, you are cheating on your future spouse.  We call this fornication.  When you are married, you focus all your energy on your spouse.  If you don’t, we call this adultery.  So, if one is married and masturbating alone, focusing his sexual energy on something other than his spouse (porn or an idealistic version of his wife, or just focusing on his own pleasure), then I’m going to call that adultery, and the Bible is very clear on that.

Now, I say this in all love, having struggled with all this before.  I have a 15 year history with porn addiction, from teenage years through most of my marriage.  There were times I could not perform sexually because I had already masturbated too many times that day.  There were times I avoided sexual encounters because I was worried my wife would realized I was being sexually active without her.  And at all times I was hiding something from my wife.

The damage this causes a relationship is not measurable, but it is substantial, even if you wife is not aware of it.  If she is aware, the damage is greatly increased.

So, I understand that some people will still think masturbation is OK, that there is no harm, that it’s not adultery, it’s not sinful and they are doing it without lust, so who is it harming?  Talk to your spouse about it, see if there is harm being done.  If your spouse doesn’t know, then I submit that you are lying to them by not telling them part of your sexual activity.

1 Corinthians 7:4 – The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

Your body is not yours alone to do with as you like or feel, and if you are using it in a way they do not approve, I believe you are breaking the spirit of this verse.

Your Turn

So, to answer the question, why do married men masturbate?  I think there are three reasons:

  1. Ignorance – They don’t realize what effect it might be having on their marriage
  2. Selfishness – They know but don’t care, they are just chasing an orgasm
  3. Addiction – Some are addicted, and they need help.  Loving, but firm, help.

Do you know of any other reasons?

P.S.  This post was about masturbating alone.  If you are involving your spouse, I have no issues, have fun!

200 Responses to Why Do Married Men Masturbate?

  • THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! ” So, if one is married and masturbating alone, focusing his sexual energy on something other than his spouse (porn or an idealistic version of his wife, or just focusing on his own pleasure), then I’m going to call that adultery, and the Bible is very clear on that.” – I couldn’t have said that better myself! This is a topic I am very passionate about. Being a spouse who was GREATLY affected by my husband’s issue with pornography and masturbation, it causes lasting damage. And I do not want to teach my son that this is acceptable. I loved how you addressed before and after marriage. I just loved this post. It is everything I believe and feel and the statistics are staggering. But so true. We should have a heart to help men (and women) overcome what most of the world find’s acceptable. LUST. It’s a huge trap and Satan so easily entraps people, and further gives them the justification for it to be OK. When it is NOT. OK…I’m going to stop or there will be a whole blog post in the comment section. Thank you for writing this post. I’ll be linking to it when I write about my own thoughts on pornography and masturbation. Thank you for having the courage to write about it, regardless of what people will think.
    Jamie Bishop recently posted..What about the kids?My Profile

    • You’re welcome! This was the first comment I saw after writing the post, and it encouraged me so much. Thank you for your comment! And if you want to write a post as a comment, I’m OK with that!

    • I have been battling this subject for years. Even after committing my life to Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior in 1984. I have had problems and have Sinned when I knew better. I am thankful for these articles that I have read and read over again. I am praying for God’s Help with my mind and body. Or should I say His mind and His body. I have been bought with a price. Please pray for me.

      • We will definitely pray Scott. It’s worth the fight when you get clean. Look for triggers or situations where it’s too easy to masturbate. Then work to remove them from your life or mitigate them.

  • When my husband and I were having a lot of problems and he was severely depressed, there were long periods of time where he would not have sex with me. This in part had to do with his depression, because that tends to completely kill libido; but it also had to do with a lack of intimacy in our relationship overall. I mean a lack of emotional and spiritual intimacy. We were having a lot of struggles, and he was also dealing with terrible things that happened in his childhood. I knew that he masturbated occasionally – not often, because of his lowered libido, but still sometimes – and my heart was just broken because I didn’t understand why he would do that instead of having sex with me, when I was always available to him and desperately wanted to be held in his arms again. I asked a Christian therapist about it, and he said that often men masturbate because there is no real intimacy involved, and they are hurting and it’s too difficult to deal with real intimacy. Not to mention that because we were lacking intimacy in other areas of our relationship (also due to his depression, because he refused to talk to me or spend time with me at ALL), sex felt empty sometimes. The “porn” that he looked at was of me, but he was still getting his pleasure apart from me, and it hurt me so much. However, after talking to the therapist, I felt more compassion for him, and more understanding, because I knew he was hurting.

    When he started taking medication, he became happy again, but was dealing with sexual side effects that made it difficult to impossible to orgasm sometimes. He was ashamed at first and didn’t want to try, but after a lot of encouragement, and love, and reassuring him of his prowess in the bedroom and how much he pleasures me (because he really is amazing “in bed” – he blows my mind every time), and taking the focus off of climax, our sex life went through the roof. Sometimes he doesn’t orgasm, but that’s ok, no big deal, we still enjoyed ourselves; and most of the time he does. We then learned that apparently when side effects make it so that orgasm is impossible through intercourse, it’s often easier to orgasm through masturbation. We talked about it and decided that we wanted to keep sexual activities always between the two of us, never solo, so now if he can’t climax through intercourse, I’ll give him a hand job. He says I’m better than he is at manual stimulation, plus he gets to see me naked while I’m doing it!

    Anyway, that’s our trip through the solo masturbation issue. I just thought I’d bring up other possible reasons for it, other than simply lust – that is, when intimacy is too painful, or when it’s difficult to achieve orgasm through intercourse. But, both of those issues are best and most effectively handled as a team, which is what I always told my husband and he finally grew to understand. By the way, we are “Team Awesome” and our fort (apartment) is “Fort Kick-Ass.”
    Jenny recently posted..Beauty and Self-EsteemMy Profile

  • Really appreciate your frank discussion on this difficult subject.

  • I love this! It’s very hard for me to understand this, and I’m trying my best to see it from a guys point of view.

    • I do my best to find analogies or explanations to show our perspective as men, but they are only analogies, unclear pictures of a confusing reality.

  • I think, from a married woman’s standpoint, we have this idea that ignorance is bliss. I believe that generally we are aware that it is probably going on, especially if our bedroom activities are infrequent, BUT we don’t have a clear understanding of what exactly masturbation entails. We just think, again ignorantly, that it’s just something men do and it really has nothing to do with us. Thank you for writing about a difficult topic, hopefully you will open the eyes of many women and men struggling with this. I do believe that it is most often as much a woman’s problem as it is the mans and that with open communication and shared responsibility as to why it’s occurring, many married couples can come to a realization as to why it’s harmful to any marriage relationship and then take steps to reduce a husband’s needing this as a sexual outlet.

    • Yes, I think there is a general ignorance among wives about this. I say that not to be mean, but if you ask the wives of a congregation if they think their husband is watching porn and/or masturbating, I would bet most would say no. However the statistics nearly all agree that close to half, if not more than half of the men are watching porn, including the pastors, elders and deacons. This is an extremely prevalent sin in our churches that goes undetected most of the time.
      Jay Dee recently posted..Why Do Married Men Masturbate?My Profile

  • Great post! Good to see that someone is writing about this subject. I’ve talked to groups about this many a time, and have to agree with what you’ve said. However, I’d have to add another reason to your list there at the end. You alluded to it strongly in the post, but for some reason didn’t mention it at the end. That is, they are sexually unsatisfied in their marriage relationship. Their wife isn’t fulfilling their needs, so they are taking care of it on their own. (BTW, it is possible to masturbate while thinking about one’s own wife. But, I still contend that this is adultery.)

    God created men with a strong sexual drive. While the exact frequency can be argued, men are created to need sexual release daily. 1 Cor 7:5 alludes to this, although it doesn’t state a particular time period. However, there are two things from the Jewish culture of the day, which are very applicable:

    1 – the Jewish rabbis (and Paul was a Jewish rabbi) taught that a couple should make love a minimum of once a day, if the man’s profession allowed him to stay at home.

    2 – the Jewish understanding of the principle mentioned in 1 Cor 7:5 was that a couple could make a decision to abstain for a maximum of one week. So, most Christian couples (according to the Marriage Bed survey) are hitting that maximum, or more as their norm. In other words, their best is the Jewish worst.

    Both of these teachings are historically documented in the Talmud.

    So, while I won’t say that the man is right for masturbating, I will say that if he is, it’s a symptom of a deeper problem in the couple’s sexual intimacy. That issue needs to be dealt with as part of the solution.
    Rich Murphy recently posted..While She’s Away – Make the House ReadyMy Profile

    • Thank you for the fascinating information about the Jewish Rabbi’s and their teachings. I will have to research that.

      As for your comment about a 4th reason: sexually unsatisfied husbands, I still contend that my 3 reasons covers them. If the husband is unsatisfied and is unselfish, not ignorant and not addicted, he still will not resort to masturbating and or porn. I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m saying I think it’s possible.

      I think too often we men use masturbating/porn as an escape, a way of dealing with our refusing wives instead of dealing with the real issue, that our wife is refusing. Instead of getting counselling, we turn to an easier alternative, to cut our wife our of the equation.

      No one said this marriage stuff would be easy, we are fighting for our lives here.

      • While I agree with what you’re saying, I still have a problem with it. Too many women have pointed the finger at their husbands as being bad, because of their sexual needs. Is a man wrong for masturbating? I’d have to say yes. Are your reasons valid? Absolutely! But, to absolve the wife of all responsibility is not right. If she refuses sex, he should be able to control himself. But, she’s still for refusing sex. She’s placing temptation in his path, something that we’re warned in the Bible not to do.
        Rich Murphy recently posted..A Romantic HomecomingMy Profile

        • By no means am I letting wives off the hook. This is a discussion about masturbation, not about Refusing wives. I’ve touched on that subject many times, the most popular post on my site is Is Sex A Need Or A Want. I’ve gotten many comments and emails from wives, some who 100% agree, some who have turned their marriage around based on the post. None who disagreed have dared comment yet, but I’m hoping one day someone will so we can open a dialogue.

          If that’s all you disagree with (that wives have responsibility too), then we are in total agreement. My point here is that regardless of the wives actions, the man is still responsible for his actions. Both can be at fault, it doesn’t have to be a one or the other sort of scenario.
          Jay Dee recently posted..How Do I Get My Husband To Be More Creative When Initiating Sex?My Profile

      • When a wife defrauds her husband sexually and habitually she is turning him over to Satan. In a very real sense she is excommunication him from the communion of covenant marriage. Instead of a church that loves her Lord she now typifies a church that is not all that keen on union with Christ. For a husband thus defrauded, counseling is just as likely to make things worse as most christian counselors are better versed at exegesis of Oprah than 1 Peter 3. If a man decides to keep his covenant while actively being defrauded he is imaging our suffering Savior even if he masturbate to bear the crushing pain of his beloveds rejection and contempt. It is too easy to join the chorus of male bashers and feminist discontent while glossing over the sins of Gomer against Hosea. Defrauding is sexual sin! Maybe more deleterious than even porn.

    • My understanding of old Jewish law is that sex is the WOMAN’S right. Not the man’s.

      1. sex every day IF the man was at home. This meant he was independently wealthy and did not work.

      2. sex once a week if he were a laborer. This would translat into if the man received a paycheck from another person, NOT himself, then once a work.

      3. Once a month if the man did ? (something else, sorry I don’t remember)

      4. Once every six months if the man was a sailor.

      Please don’t start that everyday needed ‘line’. It’s just not productive in a martial relationship. The two spouse or suppose to be in agreement. 1Cor7 does NOT elude to frequency in any way. The lesson in the verse is that you cannot seek sex outside the marriage. A sexual relationship belongs only to your spouse. And Paul said “if you burn, then marry”. He didn’t say “if you burn, then masturbate”. This was the place that Paul could have easily said that, but he didn’t. Sex in any form is meant ONLY for your spouse.

      • Hi Dan,

        Sorry, I have to correct you a bit. Yes, sex was the woman’s right, but also the husbands. If a wife used sex as punishment, discipline, or withheld it, the husband was entitled to divorce without paying the settlement required by the marriage contract. Likewise, if the husband withheld sex, she was entitled to divorce him and receive the full settlement required by the marriage contract. As one passage of the Mishnah states: “A man’s wife is permitted to him. Therefore a man may do whatever he wishes with his wife. He may have intercourse with her at any time he wishes and kiss her on whatever limb of her body he wants.”

        That said, a husband was not only required to provide sex to his wife, but to provider her satisfaction during sex. Some interpret this to mean orgasm. Their argument is that you cannot become “one flesh” without mutual satisfaction, and the only way to ensure that is through both parties orgasm. While the husband is nearly always assured of orgasm, they need to ensure the wife would be assured orgasm as well. If she did not orgasm regularly, she was allowed to take her husband to civic court for punishment, because while they were married and having sex, they were not “one flesh” and thus violating God’s commandment.

        It seems fairly even handed on both sides to be honest. Very legalistic, but ultimately, I believe, with the intent of ensuring pleasurable and equitable relations between husband and wife. The rabbis were obviously very concerned with pleasure being a part of sex for both parties.

        Also, you have a few of your facts incorrect based on my research:
        1) Your translation is incorrect. Check the footnotes by other Rabbis on this. If the man was gainfully employed (did not have to look for work on a daily basis), once a day. This included Rabbis.
        2) For day laborers who had to find new employment every day, twice a week
        3) For ass-drivers (those who bring goods from the villages to the cities), once a week (because they would come home on weekends)
        4) For camel-drivers (longer trade routes), once every 30 days
        5) For sailors, once every 6 months

        It is generally accepted that these time frames were not how often they had to have sex, but how often the husband needed to make himself available to have sex, should his wife desire (with the assumption being that her desire would out-match his). As well, he was to initiate often enough that she never was required to ask for sex.

        There was also a provision that a student could leave to study the Torah without the permission of his wife (with regard to conjugal rights) for thirty days, but a laborer (one who had to go find new work) could only leave for a week without it being considered depriving his wife of her conjugal rights.

        As well, the longest a married couple could mutually consent to abstaining from sex was a week (not counting the menstrual period).

        Other than that, I agree.

  • What is your opinion of solo masturbation due to separation, like deployed military husbands? I ‘m not disagreeing. I’ve found that even masturbation that some Christians deem acceptable to be empty, wanting, selfish and dens of temptation.
    Oh, here’s a question: if a spouse, I’ll say husband but it can be wife, too gets aroused by someone or something, say an unexpected sex scene or flash of nudity in a movie, is it ok to turn that arousal towards their spouse, or should they turn off (for lack of a better description) that arousal instead through prayer, cold shower, accounting, etc?

    • The way my husband and I avoid that is….well, to avoid it! We don’t watch movies, tv shows, commercials, ANYTHING, with sexual images. I don’t look at shirtless guys, and he doesn’t look at scantily-clad girls. If there is something that we can’t completely avoid, then we look away from whatever it is and start thinking instead about each other. It makes for a much happier sex life, because we don’t see images that we could accidentally compare each other to.
      Jenny recently posted..Oral sex how-to, Part 1: The Blow JobMy Profile

    • Great question about separated spouses. I’m sorry to make you wait, but I’m going to refrain from answering until I think and research more about it. My gut reaction is very harsh (and probably not what you think), and I think it might need some tempering from the Holy Spirit and the Bible.

      And I’m going to do the same about redirecting lust, wait a bit, not because my initial reaction is harsh, but because I want to fill it out a bit more. I think I’m going to write a post about this this week. Stay tuned.
      Jay Dee recently posted..Why Do Married Men Masturbate?My Profile

  • You bring up some very good points. Thank you! <3

  • Jenny, that is great! And how I roll, but hubby isn’t so careful and I can’t help but wonder if him coming to me for sex is because something he saw aroused him, or if I am the cause of arousal.

    • Hm, yes, it’s difficult when your spouse doesn’t realize the importance of “be careful, little eyes, what you see.” I wrote an article about it earlier in my blog, called “Beauty and Self-Esteem,” that talks about how to handle it when your husband isn’t careful, or when you’re concerned about things like that. The main thing, I suppose, is to give your husband to God. Pray that God will change his heart and open his eyes, and that God will give your husband the will, desire, and the strength to look away and to immediately turn away lustful thoughts. As hard as it is to accept (or at least, it was difficult for me to accept), we can’t change them; but, God can, and it’s in His will for your husband to keep his eyes and his mind on you. What I came to realize is that even if I felt that I couldn’t trust my husband (which, in reality, I could – I have a good man), I can always trust God. So just give him to God. It always gives me a great peace of mind to pray that God will guard and protect my husband. I have an anxiety disorder so things that shouldn’t bother me sometimes do, and just putting it in God’s hands helps a lot.
      Jenny recently posted..Oral sex how-to, Part 1: The Blow JobMy Profile

  • Mostly agree with the comments in the article. However being a truck driver and away from home for a week to sometimes weeks its very hard to deal with that need as it is a basic need of a man. So I have to resort to taking matters into my own hands especially with a high sex drive. Have tried many times to not do so but it causes my mind to have thoughts that don’t belong in a marriage. I know of no other way to deal with the situation. Also to make matters worse my spouse has very little sex drive on top of what at best is a very hard situation. So I would have to add there are other reasons as to why masturbation occurs as there are many men and women in the same situation I am in. Military would also be an example that would make it very hard on a faithful spouse to not use masturbating to help them stay faithful being away from their spouse for an extended amount of time

  • Jenny, thank you for your openness. I am mostly sure that hubby does not harbor lustful thoughts about what he sees, hence my question. They may arouse him, but it seems he turns that sexual energy and thoughts towards me, but is it wrong for him to do that?

    And, yes, I am praying for him. He believes that since he is not deliberately watching something to see nudity or sex and that he’s not “jacking off” to it or letting it linger in his mind that it is ok. To him it is ok to flip through a Maxim magazine if his intent is to read the article on motorcycles, and not stare at the models even though he looks and sees them as he flips through.

  • I look forward to it, Jay, because your post goes against what most other Christian marriage bloggers write….that it is ok to MB while separated if the spouses agree. They even suggest texting suggestive or nude photos, which my hubby wisely says no to.

    I wonder if the whole MBing is a gray area and men need sexual release more often than some wives can give it is an excuse, a wool over the eyes pulling from the enemy. “Well, God made me short tempered, so it is ok to stomp around my garage screaming obscenities about my wife so long as she doesn’t hear. Then I am not hurting her and my anger is justified.” Is that example right? I don’t think so. We’d expect self control. “God made me a man with a high libido, so it is ok to hide in my man cave and MB so long as my wife doesn’t get hurt.”

    I will be honest and say that in more extreme situations of separation, I think it is ok to MB with the spouse on the mind, but not as a regular habit. The best I’ve found is to pray first. Go ahead and ask God! He already knows you are thinking it, so go ahead and ask! See what He says about it.

  • I appreciate your writing about this difficult topic. But I think I have two additional reasons and (I would say) justifications for it:

    I have a friend who is older, is diabetic, hypertensive, and depressive. For many years he and his wife had a good sex life (4-6 times a week) and apparently a good relationship. As he had to take more and more medications, he became anorgasmic but still could give his wife pleasure. (Apparently the anorgasmia is related to his antidepressants.) After two or three years of that, however, he developed ED. Catch-22: He can’t live without his meds, and he can’t have a normal married life with them. He still has strong libido, and he has learned to “fake it,” but that’s not very satisfactory. He pleases his wife by hand, but she’s unable to reciprocate. (Her hand/arm get tired, and sometimes he can’t maintain his erection.) She is supportive, encouraging, and understanding, but helpless. Sometimes he goes for up to six months without any release. He has asked me whether it’s right for him to masturbate from time to time. What do you think? I don’t believe this is one of your three reasons.

    I also have a younger colleague (early 40s) at work who is married to a Refuser. In nearly 18 years of marriage, they have had sex 15 times in all. (After six years of celibacy, his church advised him that he would be justified in seeking an annulment. He didn’t do it.) He resists pornography. His wife will not go to counseling—She “doesn’t need it; he’s the one who’s oversexed” (!) He hasn’t asked me whether it’s all right for him to masturbate, but if he should, (1) I don’t think his situation fits any of your three reasons; it’s certainly not selfishness, and (2) I don’t know what else to advise him. It’s heart-breaking.

    • I respectfully disagree, I think my post still applies.

      In the first scenario, I saw nothing in your post that would indicate your friend could not masturbate in the company of his wife with her encouraging him. That way they would be together, the focus would be on the marriage and shared sexuality.

      In the second, I strongly disagree with the church that advised to get an annulment. To me, that’s just biblical and no church should ever suggest annulment or divorce. Moving on, marriage is a covenant, not a contract. Just because she is not living up to her end, doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to hold up his. In other words, just because the marriage is hurting, does not give him the right to hurt it more. So, if he understand it’s hurting the marriage, then he’s selfish or addicted. If he doesn’t, he’s ignorant. I stand by my three reasons. Just because she’s refusing does not give him the right to shrug his shoulders and give up on that aspect of their marriage. We don’t suggest that people who have spouses that leave the church never bring up the subject of spirituality again. And we wouldn’t encourage a spouse who has become emotionally distant just to give up and live like they had a business arrangement where they share resources, have sex, but don’t connect emotionally.

      So, if we are always encouraging emotional and spiritual intimacy, telling people never to give up, always hope, work towards reconciliation, why, as soon as we’re talking about sexual intimacy do we go “Well, she’s out, so you’re off the hook”. I’m not saying it’s easy, but that doesn’t justify breaking your vows to be only for each other.

      I wish there was a way to get some older, wiser, women in his church to go talk to that wife.

      Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. – Titus 2:3-5

      • Unfortunately, I think the good intentions of the Christian marriage bloggers have kind of laid sex out to be TOO important….the pendulum is swinging too far the other way now. Marriage is cake. Sex is icing. You can have really good cake without the icing, or you can have cardboard cake with icing. You can have really good cake with really good icing. The scenarios go on and on. The fact is, a marriage CAN survive without icing, though most of us would agree that a cake isn’t complete without the icing.

        One thing God showed me during a time of sexual famine in my marriage was that hubby and I needed to work on our cake, making it really good, yummy, delicious, etc and then HE would put the icing on when it cooled. Putting icing on cake that’s still a warm from the oven makes the icing run all over and nasty. The really nice thing about letting God do the icing is that He’ll incorporate the icing between the layers of the cake, too…AND He’ll decorate it!

        Sometimes, I think we go through seasons where a new cake needs to be made in our marriage. Perhaps a big hurt or bit circumstance crumbled the original one and we need to start from scratch, adding the ingredients and baking a new cake. Pregnancy, loss, emotional hurts, pornography, affairs, financial difficulties, illnesses, stress – they can all crumble that marriage cake.

        Oftentimes, the counseling I read about in Christian marriage circles is to get with the icing. Yes, sometimes icing can help hold together a crumbling cake. Other times, you’re just making a bigger mess. But, focusing so firmly on the sexual aspect of marriage can hinder where the problem really lays.

        It’s different for every couple, hence why we need to go to God and not necessarily go to bed.

        And running to the shower to masturbate just because the wife or husband has refused again isn’t going to solve anything. It is running to self, not to God. There may be times you are so pent up that you NEED release and can’t get it. I’m talking REALLY pent up, not just aroused. It’s ok to ask God if it is ok to release yourself, but obey Him and keep your mind on your spouse if you feel He says ok. I don’t advise it, but I’m not God and the Bible doesn’t say, “though shalt not masturbate,” so that’s why I say go to Him.

        • After that I’m honestly not sure if you’re saying I’m putting too much emphasis on sex or not…I mean, this blog is about sex within marriage…

          That said, I think emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy during marriage are equally important.

          But I agree with your comment, sex without a good marriage is like icing on cardboard.

        • I agree with you so much, Livinginblurredlines. As I’ve mentioned before, my husband and I dealt with a lot of hurt that damaged our intimacy in all areas of our marriage. Something we actually did (his idea) was forgo sex for a short while, just take it off the table, until we re-established the emotional and spiritual intimacy, so that sex would be as intimate as possible. I think it really was necessary for us at that time. It seems that many men think that is too long to wait (I’ve read in various places where men think that a couple of DAYS is too long to wait), but something my husband says is, “I’m/You’re worth waiting for.” He’s not like most guys. He has never looked at sex as a way to simply “get his rocks off.” It really is an expression of love for both of us. So yes, sometimes it’s necessary to rebuild the foundation of your marriage before sex can really be what it’s supposed to be.

          I will say, that rebuilding intimacy in the other parts of our marriage made us very hot for each other very quickly. :) So it wasn’t long (about a week?) before we were making love!

          You have inspired me. I think today I’m going to write a blog post about this.
          Jenny recently posted..Oral sex how-to, Part 1: The Blow JobMy Profile

        • I disagree. I know that most men are built with a sex drive where they desire sex around once a day. I know that I am just like almost every guy in that, since I was first growing hair above my lip, I dreamed about having a vibrant sexual life with a woman someday. And I am normal in that it was one of the most important dreams to me. I believe God made us guys this way.

          Paul tells us we should not withhold sex from each other as best we can. I think there are many things that are important to a good marriage and sex is one of them. I really feel the sex as the frosting analogy doesn’t fit, unless you want to say that many things are frosting. You could still be close to your wife if you are both in a nursing home and can’t go on dates, see your children/grandchildren, give each other gifts…etc… But outside a scenario like that those things would need to be there.

          If you took a birthday cake to your bbf for her birthday and the icing accidently fell of you could still give it to her as a joke. But if you showed up with a cake and no icing because icing isn’t important then that wouldn’t be that great a birthday cake. There are certain reasons to go without sex in a marriage, but without any pressing reasons, it needs to be in there.

          How can a wife be loving toward her husband when she is withholding the thing he has desired unlike anything else in his life?

        • “Marriage is the cake. Sex is the icing” I could not disagree more as a husband. That’s a great attitude if you are a husband towards your wife, as that’s how it is for most women. However, on the flip side it needs to be flipped if you are wife and your attitude towards your husband. Sorry, I got married to have sex with my wife…I’ll be completely honest. I love my wife more than anything. I’d die for her. I help with the kids, house, tell her she’s beautiful and of my love everyday and give her my everything everyday so don’t take that wrong ladies…but I got married to have sex. If your a wife and you have the attitude of livingblurredlines above…that’s it’s just the icing…well that’s the attitude my wife had for 13 years and amazingly we were miserable. The day she decided to fllip that, we are BOTH amazingly happy (and for those that are wondering I still loved her and did all those things before the attitude flip…so you can’t say only you needed to love her…longest lonliest most hurtful 13 years of my life)

      • I don’t want to argue, and after all it _is_ your blogsite. But I’m not easy with your response and would like to hear more of your thoughts:

        I don’t understand. You wrote, “In other words, just because the marriage is hurting, does not give him the right to hurt it more. So, if he understand it’s hurting the marriage, then he’s selfish or addicted. If he doesn’t, he’s ignorant.” How does staying in a frigid relationship hurt it? If so, how is he selfish or addicted? If he wants sex within marriage, how is he ignorant? His wife, BTW, is perhaps the most self-centered and selfish individual I have ever encountered in the Christian community. My colleague works overtime to give her more income; has almost complege responsibility for child care (Yes, about 2 of those 15 times were when she reluctantly agreed to procreation.); he does a good bit of the cooking. I cannot accept the notion that he is selfish, addicted, or ignorant, at least without some further clarification about what you mean. livinginblurredlines wrote about cake and frosting; well, as far as I can see, despite my colleague’s best efforts, both his cake and his frosting are cardboard. It takes two to tango.

        And in the first case, the older friend, he has tried masturbating while his wife watches, but she goes to pieces, saying it makes her feel so inadequate because she can’t meet all of his needs. Her womanhood is insulted. She won’t let him share that with her; it’s one of the few things they can’t discuss.

        As I said, I don’t like to argue; I hope this is brotherly dialogue. I appreciate (and agree with) nearly everything you write here; don’t stop.

        • Argue, discuss, challenge, whatever, I’m OK with it. I would never get offended by someone taking up a different position than I, so fear not. And I won’t stop just because people don’t agree . I don’t expect everyone to agree with everything I say. I tend to be very black and white in my views, but to me, the Bible is very black and white as well.

          Back to the topic. I’ll go with your now reversed order of friends. How to explain this better, because it’s apparent I’ve confused the issue somewhere.

          My points are directly related to the harm I believe solo masturbation does to a marriage.
          If he is aware of the harm and chooses to do it anyways, then he’s selfish or addicted. If he is not aware of the harm he is doing (which is most likely since it could be nearly eclipsed by the harm the wife is doing), then he is ignorant of the harm he is doing, by definition.

          If this were my friend, I would buy him the book Boundaries In Marriage because it sounds like he needs to learn to set boundaries. If he’s doing all these things for her and there is no justification, I’m going to say, based on the limited evidence, that he’s enabling her to be this way. In which case, he needs to step up, be a man and lead his house. I am not saying this is easy. I’m saying it needs to be done to save the marriage.

          In the case of the other friend, that is so sad. They need to talk about it. Saying they “can’t” is a cop-out. They need to understand that this has the potential to ruin their marriage, and that their marriage is worth fighting for. It’s going to be uncomfortable, but they need to get past that in order to grow.

          But, I still stand by what I said. The fact that we are dealt a bad hand in life, or marriage, does not excuse us responsibility for our actions.

          I hope that clears my opinion up. If not, feel free to ask a clarifying question. I love the discussion.

  • Oh, and one more thing…cake without icing can become stale more quickly. So, yes, icing is important. ;)

  • No, Jay Dee, that isn’t what I meant. :). Telling a blogger who’s title is sex within marriage that they emphasize sex too much is kinda juvenile! Lol! I mean that OTHER Christian marriage blog sites I’ve been to seem to emphasize sex too much with the underlying assumption that sex fixes so much. I like that you don’t ignore the cake for the icing. I like that you are not advising, as i was advised through other sites, to withhold and masturbate until hubby gets it. I am shocked that i was never advised to go to God by ANY Christian marriage site. They ALL advised that I take care of myself until hubby comes around….no one advised using the famine to fast and pray instead. God showed me to do that.

    • Phew.

      I would never suggest you hold out on sex because your husband isn’t “getting it”. Just as I would never suggest you hold out on talking to your spouse because they won’t have sex with you, or not go to church because they won’t do the dishes. Those are not solutions, those are childish “I’m not going to do this because he wont’ do that” arguments.

      I will have to be more intentional about directing people to prayer and fasting. Thank you for the tip.

  • Jenny, a kindred spirit!! Glad to meet you! We were without sex for about a month, but it was 6 days of mutual consent to fast from sex. Hubby’s idea and hubby led the breaking of the fast, which is what God told me to allow to happen.

    Jay Dee, I agree with you! Here is where I meant other bloggers focus too much on the sex part. Sex problems in marriage isn’t the disease. It is the symptom. Too many times, other marriage bloggers discuss or advise the symptom and never address the disease. Masturbating is often like eating a candy bar to take care of your diabetes. It is an unhealthy short term “fix” of the symptom rather than taking the effort to cure the disease! People justify it because it helps them through the day and keeps them from getting too sick, just like masturbating gets them through the lack of sex and keeps them from entering sins like porn. If you want real change and healing in a marriage, you often have to forsake the quick fix, go to the Great Physician (God) and do what He tells you.

    I bought into the lie that it is ok to masturbate when separated from your spouse, but it has done more harm than good. Again, that is my take on it and since it isn’t clearly forbidden in the Bible, so hence why I say to ask God.

  • Very well thought out, thanks. (And I say that even though I don’t fully agree with you.)

    To answer your top question, married men masturbate for only three reasons (or some combination of the three):

    1) He is selfish
    2) She is selfish
    3) Absence or serious illness

    If a husband OR wife masturbates regularly, I think something is wrong. What and how to deal with it varies.

    As to right or wrong, I find it impossible to explain how God could have “missed” this sin if, in fact, it were sin. I mean He told us not to have sex with those of the same gender, and not to have sex with animals. He gave us a very detailed list of who was a relative and therefore not to have sex with. All this, and He fails to mention the most common, and for most people first sex act? I just don’t buy it.

    Of course anything can be done sinfully. If you think of some movie star while having sex with your spouse, then you are in sin, but that does not make sex with your spouse sin. Additionally just because some can do something and not sin does not mean all can do that thing and not sin. If you believe that drinking is not sin, but drunkenness is, then you realise some can’t stop and one drink, and thus for them any drinking is sin, or leads to sin. I have no doubt some can not masturbate without falling into the sin of lust, but that does not make masturbation in and of it self sin. Paul talked about those who could not eat meat as it was, for them sin, so the concept is biblically valid.

    Some have said that masturbation kept them from sin when they were single, or when they are apart from their spouse. This seems obvious to me – if you can masturbate without sin, you have reduced your temptation to lust when you see the things our society throws at us 27/7. God promises us a way of escape from every sin – what is masturbation is the escape from lust?

    Just a few of my thoughts …
    Paul H. Byerly recently posted..9 Romantic ActsMy Profile

    • Thank you for the compliment, and I accept that you disagree. That said:

      A counter argument: I would argue that “masturbation is sin” has been a part of Jewish and the Talmud for thousands of years. Paul would have been writing with this mindset. Perhaps that’s why it wasn’t specifically answered in the Bible, because it was obvious to the culture of the day. It would make more sense if there was something in the Bible to counter it or say it was OK.

      Not going to get started on the topic of alcohol here, it will detract from the point of this post.

      As for people saying masturbation has kept them from sin, that’s hardly an argument. People have said cheating has kept them from killing their wives. That doesn’t make cheating OK. Just means they took the more socially acceptable sin.

      Respectfully,
      JD
      Jay Dee recently posted..How Do I Get My Husband To Be More Creative When Initiating Sex?My Profile

  • JayDee – Yes, the rabies of old called it sin – but then they called a great deal sin that God never called sin. Adding to the Word of God was a habit with them, and Jesus called them rude things for it. One a few occasions Jesus corrected them, but there are plenty of places they added their rules in God’s name where Jesus did not correct them, so the silence is hardly proof.

    Besides, the rules against homosexuality and bestiality go back further, and again, no mention of masturbation. The rabies added it because God said nothing about it and they thought He needed their help to get it all right. (I’m only half kidding).

    I agree we don’t need to go down the road on drinking. My point is that just because something is wrong for one person to do does not make it wrong for everyone.

    As to Paul, I have often thought his argument in Colossians 2:20-23 is a great answer to the many rules we have added to what is and is not allowed sexually. These rules seem wise to those who are religious, but they have no power to prevent indulgences of the flesh.

    Thanks for an intelligent discussion of this issue!
    Paul H. Byerly recently posted..8 Acts of ServiceMy Profile

  • This article really opened my eyes to why someone shouldn’t masturbate in marriage. I hadn’t thought about it much but had wondered about it.

    However, I don’t understand why the fact that the guy is sexually unsatisfied is not even mentioned. I am a single guy so I may be totally ignorant. I guess I assumed that guys, when they got married, would go after their wives for their sexual needs. And if he went to masturbation, it was because his wife was rejecting him. This rejection might be for understandable reasons, like he was being a jerk. But I have also heard it is because she often would not realize how much he needs her sexually.

    Maybe I am also naive as someone who doesn’t view porn, and who doesn’t masturbate as much as other guys. However, from what I have heard, most wives would not want to keep up with my even sex drive. If I ever marry and find myself living with someone who I am sexually attracted to and she wants to have sex less than what I was even used to before I was in close contact with a woman, then it will be hard not to masturbate. As I said above, this article really helped me understand why I shouldn’t.

    But it’s kinda like talking about why a husband eats so many snacks when you won’t talk about how the wive won’t let him eat supper until eight o clock some nights. I guess articles like this support my phobia that if you want to be sexually satisfied, don’t get married. I don’t mean that as a jab because this article was an eye opener about some good things. But it’s an honest fear.

    • Hi Will, thanks for joining the discussion. The reason I didn’t address the wife not fulfilling her role is because it wasn’t the subject of this post. Wives should not get married if they are unwilling to keep up with their husband. This should be discussed at pre-marriage counselling, and mothers should be telling their daughters this as soon as they start courting seriously (and I think all courting should be serious). Is that blunt enough? If/when you find a potential wife, this is one of the topics you should discuss. Along with theology, finances, kids, jobs, roles in marriage, etc..

      Yes, marriage takes work, yes every marriage has it’s issues. Why get married? Because it can be the most amazing connection in the world. There is no comparison. I don’t even know how to adequately describe it in words. In my opinion, it is worth the risk, and we have had some fairly substantial trials (though not as bad as others).

      • Jay Dee would you say the same thing to men – that if they are unwilling to keep up with their wives, they shouldn’t get married? and that fathers should be telling this to their sons?

        As for discussing this with your future spouse, I do think that’s a good idea but it doesn’t always help. My husband and I discussed sex in great detail. The only thing we didn’t say was “I want it X number of times a week”, and I think unless you’re experienced, it’s not something you can pinpoint. I thought my husband would be as interested as me because 1. most guys want it daily and 2. because he always wanted to hug and kiss every day we were together (although keep in mind we had a long distance engagement so we were spending two weeks together every 3 months so that may contributed to his horniness when we actually were able to spend time together). With my husband’s interest in things like kissing, I just assumed he’d be as passionate about sex. It wasn’t until our disastrous honeymoon did I realise he has very little interest at all.

        I think it’s great to discuss sex, but unless a person is experienced, I really and truly don’t think you can be sure of your sex drive until you actually start having it. This is no excuse for pre-marital sex however. What it does mean is that if you get married and discover your drives don’t match, it will take a bit of work from both sides.

        But yeah…. do you think husbands should not get married if they are unwilling to keep up with their wives?

        • Yes, I think that should be explained to anyone getting married, and not just about sex. If you are not willing to work towards being self-less in your marriage, then why bother? You will have completely missed the point, and missed how good marriage can be.

          Now, I don’t think anyone goes into marriage being that way, and I doubt many, if any, fully reach that potential, but I think both spouses need to be working towards that goal.
          Jay Dee recently posted..Beginner Bondage QuestionsMy Profile

    • Will you might be surprised to find out some guys (not a majority by any means, but a fair sized minority) prefer masturbation to sex. I’ve heard the two main reasons (and usually together) are that the guys know what they like best and therefore find it more physically enjoyable than sex and because they only have to worry about what they want instead of having to worry about their wife’s desires.

      Having talked to a lot of very frustrated women who love their sex (because I have sought out support), for those whose husbands excessively masturbate, 99% of the time one or both of those excuses are what their husbands claim – more often the first reason, but I’d say the second is more common than they admit to – it’s just easier to claim masturbation is more enjoyable than sex than to actual admit they want it to be out their desires and not to have to meet their wives.

      • Nope, not surprised at all, I think that’s covered in #2: selfishness. They don’t care about their spouses involvement/pleasure. They’re just in it for themselves.

  • The only point of masturbation (alone, not mutual) is to release base sexual urges. What is Biblically edifying in that? A sin? Not directly, I think. Watching a slasher movie isn’t necessarily a sin, but is it pleasing to God? My thought is that you should pray first before MBing. Also, consider, if Christ walked into the room, would He be happy with what you are doing?

    • Now, I’m sorry livinginblurredlines, I’m going to have to argue against you for a second here (I’m not switching positions though). There is more to solo masturbation than just releasing base sexual urges. Men get an oxytocin burst when masturbating which can make them feel loved. So, if they are in a situation where they are not feeling loved by their spouse, this can be a replacement. And that is part of my main contention, that they are replacing love from their spouse with a psuedo-love with no one. There are some studies that also suggest that men who masturbate have trouble forming real oxytocin bonds with real partners and so have trouble emotionally connecting.

    • I really believe JD made a very clear answer as to whether masturbation is ok in a Christian marriage. Matthew 5: 28 makes it very clear ,and rather shocking news to any of us that thinks it isn’t a problem. As a girl in my teens I masturbated daily,and multiple times daily,college being no different,and while doing so,I had sex “in my mind” with several different men. Not until I became a Christian and married did I find that lust is an outright sin. It was the most difficult challenge overcoming it I have ever encountered in my life,and don’t get me wrong,I see nothing wrong with a woman masturbating in front of her husband or vice versa,but what about when your spouse is not around . While in the act of masturbating alone,am I thinking about my husband while doing so,..,or the “20 something” stud that delivered pizza to the house last night? Matthew 5: 28….no need to look any farther as to whether it is a sin or not.
      Judy

      • Judy – It seems to me masturbating while thinking of your spouse would be well within what the Bible allows. If someone can’t do that and keep their mind on their spouse, I think that shows a much bigger problem that needs to be addressed.
        Paul H. Byerly recently posted..Life is in the blood …My Profile

        • Thanks Paul,and I agree with you 100%! Believe me,it was the most difficult habit to break ,no different than a alcoholic trying to quit drinking. I enjoyed masturbating ,….as a high school student and single college girl, I had the best of both worlds,I could have sex with my partner,then when he wasn’t available,..I would masturbate ,and masturbate,..lusting over any man I so desired ! I’m so thankful I found the most wonderful Christian man when I did,and that he seen enough good in me to marry me,and with the help of the Lord,I overcame my bad habits as a single girl,and have a wonderful Christian marriage today.

        • If your masturbating alone but could be with him or her that is not healthy and fulfilling.

  • Will, as a woman, we would hope you desired US more than anything rather than the sex itself. Sex should come out of your desire for your wife rather than your wife being your outlet for sexual release. I want my husband to want sex with me because he desires me. I don’t want him to have sex with me because he simply wants to ejaculated in a woman and I happen to be the lawful one to do it in.

    We also want to feel safe and trust that our husbands will meet our needs and will wait with self control should a small amount of waiting be needed. You know how rotten it feels to find hubby sexing up the pillow just because the baby woke up before the two of you could get started or because her period begun that day?

    • livingblurredlines, I hope I am not coming across as saying that a guy should only view his wife as a sexual release.

      You mentioned that,”We also want to feel safe and trust that our husbands will meet our needs.”

      If a woman is not feeling safe she is not feeling loved. It doesn’t mean she desires that safety more than she desires her husband. I was trying to make the point that in the same way, a guy who is having to struggle with sexual frustration may very well not feel loved. It doesn’t mean he only looks at his wife as his sexual release.

      JD, I would think there are many women who don’t get that instruction and may need it now as a married woman. I may be naive to how women really are. Throughout my life, I have been around several women who have really complained about, what seems to be the natural sex drive and desires in men.

      • Yes, I’d agree that there are many women who don’t get that instruction. I’d even argue most women. But I think many men don’t receive proper instruction on how to love their wives as well. Particularly because we men are generally not terribly good at talking to our kids about intimacy of any kind.

        • Will, thank you for clarifying.

          Jay Dee….I totally don’t get why women are so deceived. That’s it. Just like the serpent deceived Eve, women are deceived now. We are also the victims of being lied to about our worth and beauty on a daily basis, even by our husbands. Simple things like double-checking the cute jogger, not turning away from the Victoria’s Secret commercial, and not taking the time to woo us anymore really helps destroy us women.

          We are also deceived and fed lies by the church, the media, hollywood, cosmo, locker room chats, etc about sex, love and intimacy. It’s sickening. Thank God for women like Sheila and others who stand up and help wives and husband reclaim the marriage bed!

          I’m in an opposite dynamic and pray that my husband gets it since he is a refuser and doesn’t seem to enjoy sex as God intended and I’m often left on the side mostly dominated by frustrated husbands.

          • I’m afraid deception is the devil’s largest tool. Always has been. Especially in our churches. He has spent so much time subverting Christian theology, mixing in paganism and wrong teachings. He is constantly trying to tell us God doesn’t love us and nothing God said was true, and we listen! We have entire denominations built on false doctrine that is not biblical, we have entire theologies built on pagan mysticism.

            The vision of the harlot (corrupted church) with all the daughters (split denominations) in the book of Revelation has come true. God is still calling his people out of Babylon, because we are still all enslaved though most Christians no longer even realize it.

            Sorry, I got a little carried away there, but I am passionate about this topic.
            For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. – Ephesians 6:12

            We are deceived every day on every side by nearly every message we see and hear. What we have to remember is that we are not fighting our spouses. We are fighting FOR our spouses. Our war is not against flesh and blood, but against those things that attempt to control that flesh and blood.

          • livinginblurredlines, if it helps, you are not alone. While we share much in common with frustrated husbands, I think the refused wives go through many things refused husbands do not, especially in a society that assumes men all want sex and women don’t.

            But even in the last year of looking, I have seen more and more women come out and say this is a problem in their marriages, both in blogs and personally. Women are finally opening up more about this issue in their sex lives.

            • I agree, it has, sadly, become almost acceptable for a wife to refuse a husband, but the other way, there is such a stigma, almost a sense of crime against society which bring with it more undue pressure and guilt which doesn’t help the situation at all.

              I too see many more women speaking out about this pain in their lives, and while it’s sad that it’s so frequent, I’m glad they are finding their voice.

  • What about husbands who masturbate not because they lack the frequency of sex, but because there isn’t a sense of fulfillment or a sense of being known and accepted during sex. I speak specifically of the sexual intimacy that should occur outside of intercourse (there IS more to sexual intimacy than intercourse, right?).

    My heart aches for husbands (and wives) who go through the sexual motions, and having finished the “deed,” roll over and sigh a very heavy sigh because, even though they have “finished” with an orgasm, they are not sexually fulfilled. Many of them still feel the need to masturbate because of this unfulfillment. Sad.
    T Bittner – Genuine Husband recently posted..A Husband Is cheerful: CMBA Blog Challenge Day 9My Profile

    • OK, OK, I’ll write a post about women needing to meet the needs of their spouse! I get it! Any of the women notice how many men brought this topic up? Apparently they’re feeling a little unheard. But, then, from the comments, it seems I’m preaching to the choir here.

    • Been there, done that, but MBing doesn’t fulfill anything! It may take the edge off, but there’s no fulfillment. Again, I agree with Jay Dee and reiterate what I said. It is a band aid on a broken bone. If we put all that pent up sexual energy towards lifting our spouse, marriage, marriage bed and even ourselves up to the Lord, imagine how much more blessed marriages would be!!

    • Hi! I wrote an article about emotional and spiritual intimacy, how affects sexual intimacy, and what you can to to get it back once you’ve lost it! “Emotional and Spiritual Intimacy: What to do when you’ve lost that loving feeling”: http://forhehasbeengoodtome.blogspot.com/2012/10/emotional-and-spiritual-intimacy-what.html

      Also, I mentioned playing together in that article, and I JUST posted a list of hilarious and fun games to play with your spouse.
      Jenny recently posted..10 FUN games to play with your spouse!My Profile

  • I begin to think that if this trend of men preferring porn to making love to their wives continues to escalate, we will not have to worry about overpopulation. Might have to worry about underpopulation.

    • To be fair to the men, in many cases, the reasons they are watching porn is because the wives don’t want to be made love to. So, one could also say that :

      I being to think that if this trend of women making themselves unavailable to their men continues to escalate, we will not have to worry about overpopulation. Might have to worry about underpopulation.

      However, I think both statements are hyperbole. I think the underlying issues regarding population growth rates go far beyond this topic.

      • I read a lot of testimonies about porn use and healing. In almost all of them, the wife was a willing and eager and frequent partner and it was usually the husband who started refusing because Mbing through porn was easier. I read testimonies of women who gave their husbands MORE sex when they discovered his porn use and it stopped nothing. I read testimonies about husbands who turned to adultery and were getting sexed up constantly and in a new, exciting dynamic, but still looked at porn.

        Yes, refusal can cause the temptation to look at porn. Hubby’s refusal of me opened the door for porn and MBing addiction for me as a woman. I would look up picture and videos of what I was dying for hubby to do to me. I’d MB to them and hurt so deeply, feeling so guilty because I was at a loss that I could not get my needs met by hubby and turned to deep sin. When hubby started looking at porn, it broke my addiction. When I caught hubby MBing, it broke my addiction. He looked and MBed because it was easier than dealing with having to take the time to make love to me. He had the misinformation through Hollywood and porn that women are supposed to come quickly and that sex is more for the man. When we did have sex, I was only his sperm dump – a breathing blow up doll.

        So, I understand the hurt so many men go through. The rejection. I understand the temptation, but MBing resolved NOTHING and left me more broken, more wanting and did even MORE damage to our marriage and our sex life. I do NOT advocate it. I advocate putting every ounce of pent up sexual energy into praying for your spouse, marriage bed, marriage and yourself! Let God work, instead and see what healing He brings. He’s healing hubby and I! God also showed me that even though I thought I was a model wife, the kind every husband begs to have, I had issues that affected hubby deeply and our overall intimacy. Hubby had issues, too, including trying to start an emotional affair with our teenage baby sitter. Not for sexual reason, but for ego boosting reasons. So many hidden things were lacking.

        As I said before, sexual issues in marriage are a symptom, not the disease. You have to cure the disease to be rid of the symptom. MBing is like putting a band aid on a broken bone, eating a candy bar to try to cure diabetes. MBing masks the real issue.

        Stop focusing on the MBing, the refusal, what have you, and focus on your MARRIAGE instead. Go to God about that first. Hence why I said work on making a really good cake before God puts the icing on. I get it, men. I KNOW sex is important and a way for you to connect deeply emotionally, but don’t let it become an idol!

        • Agreed. Like I said, preaching to the choir here in a lot of cases. I hated that feeling of masturbating and then feeling the guilt afterwards that sudden drop from ecstasy to debasement is so painful. Thank you for sharing.
          Jay Dee recently posted..What Is Your Opinion Of Solo Masturbation Due To Separation?My Profile

        • In marriages as a whole there is less sex than men want, so I don’t buy that most men who turned to porn has a willing an eager wife. She may have thought she was, by her definition, but that does not make it true for his reality. I’m in no way excusing porn, just trying to give a clear picture.

          Beyond that, it’s virtually unheard of for a man to come into marriage without porn exposure, and usually significant exposure. This is sad reality of our times.

          Yes, some women try to solve hubby’s porn use with more sex (which rarely works) but it’s more common for her to cut back or stop having sex completely. I get why they do that, but it would be like telling your kids you will make them dinner after they go a week without getting a candy bar on the way home from school!

          I agree with you that we can get too focused on sex, and that we need to keep our eyes on the marriage, but the Bible does talk about sex, and does condemn refusal, so it’s not a non-issue.
          Paul H. Byerly recently posted..10 Minutes a DayMy Profile

          • Paul, it depends on your definition of an “eager wife”. I wanted sex once or twice a day, and on days when I wasn’t working 16 hour days (sadly between university and my three jobs, during our first two years of marriage, I often worked 16 hour days), I was more than happy to do it the up to six times a day he was physically capable of doing. And yes, this is despite me suffering from a condition called fibromyalgia which involves constant fatigue and pain. Not to mention numerous other health conditions. There were occasional days when I was sick and in too much pain, but unless I’d had surgery within the previous week or two, this was extremely rare.

            Yet you know what? it wasn’t enough for my husband. There were only two times in our marriage where I refused him – the day after I had major surgery where he raped when I said I honestly couldn’t do it, and for several weeks after our daughter was born 9 months later because her delivery was really bad, she nearly died, I could have died, there were massive complications, 12 years later I still suffer from severe pain from the butchering I went through with medical negligence. Doctors orders were that sex was forbidden for at least six weeks til my six week checkup, and even then I went back to it at 6 weeks because I could not wait any longer, and even before then I was meeting my husband’s sexual needs in other ways.

            But it was never enough for him. Not having an adoring wife willing to have sex up to six times a day (and to give you an indicator of what a big thing that was, he had orgasm difficulties and it could take up to two hours for him, and I lost track of how painful it got doing that day in and day out, even with artificial lubrication, 2+ hours every day can be a big ask on that part of a woman’s anatomy).

            Because it wasn’t about having an eager wife. He never took his christianity seriously and never had a problem with porn. He saw it as a perfectly acceptable thing to do be involved in while married. Having an eager wife changed nothing, even when our marriage was strong. He could have a whole harem of eager women (as he pretty much had in the end) and he’d still look at porn.

            Sadly where there is an addiction involved, the presence of an eager wife is totally irrelevant.

            And it wasn’t just porn for women. He had (still has) massive self esteem issues. He obsessively (literally insanely) needs to feel loved by everyone he meets. He is a compulsive liar, telling the most stupid lies, even ones he constantly gets caught out in, because he’ll say and do anything to make people like him. He is a chameleon who will do anything (even criminal and stupid behaviours) to make people like him. And because of his desperate desire to feel loved and wanted, he thinks he has to make every woman he meets sleep with him.

            When we separated, he knew I adored him. We had fantastic sex the night before we separated, but after he savagedly bashed our five year old daughter the next morning, I kicked him out before he killed her or me (he had tried to kill me in the past). But when we separated, he also had three long term mistresses who acted like they adored him. One separated from her husband to be with him, another was one of my “best friends” who was willing to screw over a very long time best friend to be with him, the third I only know through what the first told me. And those were only the mistresses I knew about. He apparently had lots more as well as all his casual flings. When we separated (which btw was only supposed to be temporary until he could get a rehab place and get help for his mental illness, drug use and violent psychotic rages), he had four women who worshipped and adored him.

            And you know what? that still wasn’t enough for him. He wanted more. I knew two of his other mistresses, and he literally could turn up on their doorsteps any time of the day or night, and they would sleep with him. After I discovered his affairs with them, I even found out how he’d go from one straight to the other, and then still not be satiated and go out looking for casual sex.

            For some men, having multiple women who adore them and will have sex any time, is STILL not enough and they seek out more women for sex.

            Sadly for some men, it’s just not about getting enough sex with their wife. They have serious underlying issues and their wife could have sex with them 50 times a day and they’d still want sex elsewhere – because it’s about the thrill of getting it outside of their marriage.

            While I’m sure you’re right that MOST men with a porn problem don’t have an eager wife, the reality is a big minority DO have an eager wife – but these guys have serious issues with either addiction or clinical depression/other mental illness (or both) and an eager wife is simply not enough.

            • There is so much here, I don’t even know how to begin to unpack it. I think we can probably agree that your situation is pretty outside the norm.

              The problem with having a blog that seeks to help people is that most often, you have to write for a wide audience, in the hopes that you can reach as many people as possible. We do all settle into our niches (for example, mine is specifically sex within Christian marriages), and there are some, like J’s HotHolyHumorous.com which specifically target women, and issues surrounding that particular audience, but the fact is, we’re not going to be able to address every possible scenario, instance or circumstance. We have neither the life experience, nor the training to do so.

              So, instead we try to draw on principles we believe are fundamental, regardless of circumstance, and when we can’t, we correlate data from the majority and base on that, and in those cases, we can miss some marriages, it’s true. It can’t be helped. The best we can do is to try and remind people that your marriage is probably going to have a twist we can’t foresee, so, please read with appropriate adjustments.

              That said, I agree, it is not always the case that a husband addicted to porn has a refusing spouse. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes it’s the wife that’s addicted to porn, and then sometimes it’s the husband that’s the refuser, and sometimes there is no refuser and both are addicted to porn. I think what was trying to be said is that MANY marriage could be porn free if both spouses lived for each other instead of themselves with respect to sexuality. But, that’s a big, deep topic right there.

          • Just in case it wasn’t clear, that was with my EX husband. Total opposite problem with my second husband. My first husband demanded a divorce to marry one of his mistresses, and then before the divorce could legally go through, he decided to dump her and marry one of the other women he had cheated on me with.

  • I’ll agree with the 4th reason comment. Disobedience to 1cor7:5 is the same as disobedience to any other command. Except maybe that the church isn’t teaching it today.

  • I agree with Cassandra but this was very helpful

  • “That means when you are unmarried, you are not expending sexual energy. By doing so, you are cheating on your future spouse.”

    Having two sons 18 and 16 I think this borders on loading people down with burdens they cannot carry. You admit that you didn’t carry the burden.

    Jesus replied, “And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.

    I don’t regret having this discussion with my sons. Masturbation is private and scripture does not mention it at all. Lust is a sin. Don’t do it!

    I much prefer we teach our kids truth instead of trying to protect them from mistakes that we think we made. I corrected the mistake by being truthful with my sons so that they can better steward their sexuality.
    Kentucky Colonel recently posted..Honorinig God With Our BodiesMy Profile

    • Phew, I am glad I am not an expert in the law.

      I understand what you’re saying. We shouldn’t expect our sons not to lie, cheat, steal, ignore God, or anything else that we haven’t been able to do perfectly ourselves. Sorry, that was mean. I meant to illustrate a point. That if we only teach our sons (and daughters) what we did perfectly, we would never teach them anything.

      And I never said I’m not willing to help people. I’m spending all this time commenting and replying and posting in order to help people. I sincerely hope it is helping, and from a lot of the comments and email, it is helping a lot of marriages.

      And I agree, the Bible doesn’t explicitly say anything about masturbation, I was quite clear on that myself. No argument here. I still stand by what I said. The Bible doesn’t say anything about using drugs explicitly, but I’m against them. The Bible doesn’t say anything about a lot of things I’m against and that I will teach my children is wrong, because I believe it to be so based on the principles found in the Bible, my extrapolation of a loving God and what I believe His intent is for our lives.

      Thank you for commenting I always enjoy Bible verses!

      • Re: Confused and want to find the truth

        Postby KyWildcat » Tue Oct 02, 2012 8:30 am
        Here’s the thing, masturbation is as universal an activity as there is on earth. Scripture goes into great detail about sexual matters going so far as to prohibit sex with animals (Lev. 18). Scripture does not mention the almost universal act of masturbation at all. God knows what He is doing. It seems to me that if masturbation was an important thing to God He would have mentioned it.

        Now, something to think about, there is an old joke that goes, 95% of men admit to masturbating and the other 5% have been known to lie. The joke is funny because of the nugget of truth in it. People, particularly males, are going to masturbate. It’s a fact.

        I think we need to use our senses, reason, and intellect to find honest Biblical answers to these issues.
        Kentucky Colonel recently posted..Honorinig God With Our BodiesMy Profile

        • So, I can’t believe it’s wrong, because the Bible doesn’t explicitly state it, but you can believe it’s good, because the Bible doesn’t explicitly state it?

          If we’re going to go that route, then understand that Paul (being a Pharisaic Jew) would have grown up believing masturbation to be a sin (as orthodox Jews still believe). His silence on the topic, to me, based on the culture, leaves the onus on proving that it is OK, instead of proving that it is sin. Since the Bible is silent (as you said), the default is to go with what the author of all those letters would have believed and would have been teaching, no? Does better safe than sorry apply here?

  • Of course you can believe, teach and do anything you want.

    While you’re doing that consider this: What your suggesting is what the church has been selling for decades (centuries?). You list the stats in your post about how well this is working out for Christian men. It just seems to me that perhaps it’s time to have a more honest discussion with young adults about the subject of masturbation.

    I think your post is well thought out and good. I’m more aligned with Paul Byerly in regards to the reasons married men masturbate, I think it boils down to selfishness (which was also one of your reasons).

    I just don’t see much value in reasoning our way to something that scripture just doesn’t say at all.
    Kentucky Colonel recently posted..Feeling Pressured?My Profile

    • No, the church has not been selling what I’m saying. The church has been hiding and sweeping under the rug for centuries. They discourage talk about sexuality, they discourage joy in sexuality. That is what is causing this behavior, not their teaching about right and wrong, but their teaching about bad communication and not teaching about transparency.

      The early church used to have small groups to get together and confess sins to each other. Who does this anymore? The Catholic church has people confessing to a priest, but not for the same reasons, and he’s not confessing back in the interest of transparency. And they are the closest to this behavior that I can find as a denominational standard.

      If anything, I am saying the opposite of what the church has been selling: I could not be more open about my experiences, my believes and my thoughts about sexuality. I am doing my best to be transparent, to encourage dialogue. When we can talk about this stuff without shame, without worry of retribution from spouses and being ostracized by our peers, then we can learn to grow, to help each other and we would see those stats falling like rocks, because our marriages would be better. We’d be dealing with our issues with the help of a massive support group instead of sweeping it under the rug and pretending we all have perfect “Christian” marriages that still end in divorce far too often.

      If I wanted to be more like the churches have been in the past millennium, all I would have to do is delete all the comments and write a single line: “Masturbation will send you to hell!” (which I don’t believe by-the-way).

      As for the reasoning. I think if we reasoned a little more AND read our Bible more, we wouldn’t be following churches and theologies blindly into the mess we’re in. But, that’s just my opinion.

      And if you ever want a discussion on things just about every church preaches that you not only can’t find in the Bible, but are in direct opposition to the Bible, send me an email. I’d love to hear your thoughts, because you seem be be quite stuck on this “it’s not in the Bible” track and you seem like a thinker, but it’s outside of the scope of this site.

  • It is not only men who masturbate. Married women do too. There is nothing more lonely or desolate in all the world as a women when you have to masturbate yourself while your husband is snoring next to you because he doesn’t desire you :(

    • Of course, you are correct. Much, if not all, of this post could be applied to both genders. And yes, that is a horrible place to be in when your spouse will not return your affection in that regard. I plan to be posting something in the near future regarding refusing spouses.

  • Thank you for this post. After reading it, something told me I needed to discuss it with my husband. I found out that my husband has been masturbating. He says it has only been when it has been awhile since we were able to have sex. (Like when I have really bad periods lasting like 7 days) On average my husband and I have sex 2 sometimes 3 times a week. I actually thought we were getting closer sexually and the “quality” of sex was much better. So when I asked him, I made sure I was very graceful, understanding, and not judgemental. He says that he always felt very ashamed after. I’m so conflicted now and I don’t know what to do or say. I made sure to make love to my husband after our conversation to show him that I still love him, but I feel so hurt. I have asked him in the past and apparently he lied. He says he does not use porn, but how do I know this is true? How do I know if he is addicted or its just because we didn’t have sex enough? Can a man not make it without sex 7-10 days every once and a while? I realize he was not cheating on me with someone else, but I still feel very hurt by this . How do I move past this? Is this just something women have to learn to deal with?

  • Thank you for being willing to share this information! I hope it is okay that I printed out your post and will share it with my pastor. I am in a marriage in crisis and am not sure if my husband has resorted to his previous lifestyle or not. Appreciate any and all prayers.

    • You’re welcome! Of course, feel free to print, pin, share, like, +1, tweet, whatever you wish. In fact, I encourage it. I write these posts in the hopes it will help people.

      You are not alone. Be strong, continue to pray, and I will pray for you both as well, and please let me know how it goes (feel free to email if you don’t want it public).

      • hi….I need your help with over coming how I. feel about my husband jerk off…I know its natural but I get so up set about it to the point of crying. he said it has nothing to do with me. I’m scare to eave him alone cause of this witch I thing is going to cause us to split up. I’m also have trust issue do to this. I fry’s to hide it from me an lie about but I always findout, please help me with ways to feel ok about him doing this thanks Casey

        • I don’t think I can help you feel better about him doing it. If you read above, I’m quite against the practice. It’s obviously upset you, so obviously you are involved, and I think your husband needs to understand that. Try to have open conversations about how it makes you feel, don’t attack, but help him to understand what it is doing to your marriage.

  • This has been an issue within my marriage. My husband could not have a conversation without touching himself. It has gotten better but he still feels the need to touch himself. I need to escalate my prayers in this area. Thank you for the reminder.

    Blessings~
    Alethea
    Blended4Purpose recently posted..Transparent MomentMy Profile

  • Often masturbate the day after sex. My husband feels pressured if I want it 2 days in a row so I leave him out of the equation as a courtesy. As a woman I can orgasm to no limit (I guess, I know wht my past limit was and one isn’t going to put me over the edge). My husband doesn’t always have the time or desire to accommodate me and I never refuse him so I think it’s ok. Sometimes I tell him, but sometimes I don’t because I don’t want him to feel inadequate.

    • I would like to say that if you do not masturbate you may increase your attraction and magnetism to your husband and help him heal. Sex with orgasm is a release of energy and if you store that energy you will be much more attractive and magnetic to your husband. Masturbation regardless of its rightness or wrongness is a bad investment. I know i used to do it so please try going without any orgasm even with him for at least two weeks and you may be shocked and what happens. Try gentle slow loving sex not fast and hard and you will both heal him from his aversion and erectile issues and you from addiction to dopimine. Try it it will be very hard but intimacy will go through the roof and you will be satisfied and at peace.. For us instead of two to three orgasm a week we are now at two a month perhaps and sex twice a day with lots of (maybe 30 minutes a day) breast time which is key. What you want is oxytocin flowing not a shot of addictive dopimine that feels good for 30 seconds then makes hunger for more and get depressed if you cannot do it..

      • This sounds like eastern mysticism to me (the idea that orgasm releases energy). I’ve gone 2 weeks without orgasm before, and frankly I found absolutely nothing productive about it what-so-ever, in fact I saw a huge decrease in energy, a decrease in mood and feeling very disconnected from my wife. So, for me, at least, this would not work at all. But, I know for me, an orgasm a day with my wife keeps me feeling incredibly bound to her. While an orgasm without my wife has no positive effects, again, only negative ones.

        I have no experience with adult nursing relationships, so I can’t really comment on that.

  • I dint realize this was such an emotional topic! I just read these comments. I’ll even suggest my husband join me in the shower while I masturbate. He doesn’t seem interested. So I’m just not allowed to? I have to just wait around for him? He’s a lot older than me. Things change as men age.

    • Yeah, I was a bit surprised by the responses as well.

      I’m sorry he’s not interested. I think ideally, a partner should be interested just because you are. I mean, if my wife was doing anything that made her feel as good as sex does, I would want to be a part of it, even if only to watch, but then perhaps that’s just the high-drive mentality. Yes, things will probably change, my drive will probably slow down, but I doubt my desire to see my wife’s face in ecstasy will ever diminish.

      Now, as for “allowed”. I think allowed is often used too strongly. Are you allowed to? Paul argues that though some may say everything is lawful, not everything is beneficial.

      I believe sex is to be an emotional, bonding experience, and to have that experience without my spouse…well, it just seems wrong to me. And I see statements like that over and over again. It feels wrong, it feels dirty, it feels tainted, it feels empty. So many different descriptions, but I think a lot of them are pointing to this one truth: sex was designed to be shared! (with your spouse).

      Now, do you just have to wait? No! Tell your husband what you need. I mean, if you said “I need you for a half hour to help me clean something up”, he’d be willing to, right? What if you said “I need you for a half hour to help me experience sex the way it was intended: shared. You don’t need to do anything, just be with me.” Do you think that might work?
      Jay Dee recently posted..LORD, Help Me Understand My WifeMy Profile

      • hmph, if my husband doesn’t feel like it, it doesn’t matter if it’s cleaning or sex, he won’t do it no matter how much I say I need it. I’m more likely to get help cleaning up because he sees it as less of a chore and something that needs doing rather than sex which he sees as something that I don’t need him to do.

        • If that is the case, then I think there are probably some more fundamental issues in your marriage that need to be fixed before sex is addressed.

          I have yet to come across a marriage where both spouses say “sex is great, but the rest of the marriage is falling apart”.

          Point is, I think you both need to work on the rest of the marriage. Sex will come, but to focus on it, I think may be dealing with the symptom instead of the cause.

          • Nup after much counselling from a christian counsellor, a big huge chunk of our marriage issues are purely sexual. All of our fights have either been directly or indirectly due to his constant refusal. He won’t deal with it because the counsellor (wrongly) told him it’s normal (= healthy) for couples to have sex once a week or less and he has ignored I’m actually more qualified on the topic than our counsellor is and her stats were just plain incorrect, and definitely not applicable to couples in their first year of marriage anyway.

            Our marriage isn’t perfect, we both have things that annoy each other, but the only major ongoing issue is the sex problem and the things that flow on from that, like how I feel depressed a lot of them because he doesn’t desire me and he has issues with temper explosions when he feels pressured to have sex (even when it was a simply request with no pressure at all).

            So sadly I think sex is a major cause of our problems, not a symptom. The frustrating thing? when we do have sex, it IS great and he enjoys it. But he just constantly refuses to and is happy when he knows I’m not going to ask that day for whatever reason.

            It’s not an issue that has suddenly arisen. This has been an issue since our honeymoon where he constantly refused.

            I do believe there is more to it – but medically, not to do with the marriage. In my professional opinion (which he deliberately ignores) he has all the symptoms of low testosterone but refuses to get tested and claims I’ve insulted his manhood by saying I think his T levels are low because he thinks that it somehow makes him less of a man. I am a health professional – I know the signs, I know when someone needs to get tested and I’ve reassured him that testosterone levels isn’t what makes a man.

            We have been seeing a counsellor, but she ignores the sex issue and when a counsellor ignores the major festering issue and deals with minor unimportant ones, nothing changes. for us, his constant refusal is a major festering issue that I constantly struggle to cope with.

            • I’d argue that even if he has low-T, I’d guarantee that’s effecting other aspects of your marriage. You’ve said before that he has trouble making decisions, that he never takes your needs into account (not only with sex), he’s not providing by taking car of bills on time and so you’re short on funds. This does not sound like a marriage where the only issue is sexual, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to say you have a bad marriage, just pointing out the inconsistencies in your responses.

              I think there is more work here to be done besides sex, and even besides low-T, for both of you.

              I frankly, it sounds like you need a new counselor. If he refuses to see another one, there is no reason you cannot be seeing a different one personally and work through your own issues.

              • You’re right – it’s just the sex issue that really hurts me. I’m not the world’s most decisive person and I’m not surprised by his struggle to understand some of my needs – I was his first girlfriend and he does have aspergers. He’s made heaps of progress in getting to know my needs in every way except sexually. It’s like a stumbling block that hasn’t improved much.

                I actually am looking for a counsellor, to try and deal with the depression I feel from feeling unwanted but it’s a struggle. We live in probably the smallest city in the country (still a city but more like a town) and the cheapest counsellor/psychologist I’ve found is $120 after assistance from the government and my daughter (who also has aspergers) needs therapy more than I need counselling. So when we can pull together the money, she has first shot with a therapist.

                I think I’m just super frustrated from being at the lowest point in frequency of sex since we got married except when we were separated for a little over a month due to hubby’s work. Maybe I’ll feel a bit better if I’m allowed off bed rest and can start having sex again.

                • He has Asperger’s! That explains everything! Did I miss that before? Ok, that’s going to change basically everything I responded to you with. Throw out the bulk of normal marriage advice out the window, you are playing a different game.

                  I highly suggest both of you reading the book The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome, and both of you need to be prepared to change some fundamental expectations, how you communicate, and how you coexist.

                  That one word pulled all your comments into focus, I see it in every paragraph now, sorry I didn’t recognize it before.

                  Being married to someone with a different brain makeup like Asperger’s can have its challenges, but it can be very rewarding as well.

  • A man not wanting sex is kind of repulsive. I’m pretty good looking, and I don’t really have the desire to pressure anyone into sex acts. The whole thing makes the man seem effeminate.

  • It IS a high drive mentality. I don’t really want my husband masturbating without me because I don’t want to miss out on the fun. I’m sparing him the time he’d waste watching me.

  • Well i mastrubate a lot some weeks more that 4 times a day but every day I make advances on my wife try to warm her up to it but get rejected. Marriage to bible thumping women sucks I’m an atheist and personally I feel if your man is mastrubating then there is something you are not doing. Some times I prefer jerking it off instead of sex with my wife, she just lays there like a fat heavy pillow. I am not proud of it but what can I do. Porn is just the sex life I wish I had (used to have) before I got tied down.

    • Hi Rico,

      That’s a difficult place to be in.
      I have one suggestion, which may seem radical in your situation.
      What do you think your wife would say if you said you wanted to do a Bible study on sex in the bible?

      If she’s a “Bible thumper” as you say, she’s going to be hard-pressed to find a biblical basis for sexual rejection.

      Alternatively, you could suggest both of you reading a book on the topic, one by a Christian author. I’m not trying to convert you here, merely make it an easier pill for your wife to swallow.

      If you wish resources, ask, and I will try to provide something suitable.

  • Jay Dee I just had a question on the topic of masturbation. I haven’t read all the comments yet as I thought I’d ask before I forget but don’t think anyone else has raised the issue.

    When a couple has sex and one of them orgasms and then stops participating, leaving the other very horny, desperately needing release, do you think it’s a sin to “finish yourself off” if your spouse has got you to the point of very horny but after reaching orgasm themself, refuses to spend even just a few minutes to give you the same?

    I realise the spouse who has the attitude “I’ve got my orgasm, I’ve got what I want so I’m not going to participate anymore” is doing the wrong thing, but is it so wrong for the spouse that is so close to finish themselves off when their spouse flat out refuses? It’s not their fault their spouse got them all hot for it and then refuses to finish things off.

    • I’ll stand by what I believe: I think regardless of the cause/circumstance, your spouse should be involved and to do otherwise is having a sexual relationship apart from your spouse.

      One sin does not cover up another one, both break relationships. So, if your husband is not satisfying you (breaking the relationship), how are you going to repair it by masturbating alone (breaking it further)?

      It’s a little like saying “The house burned down, so I’m going to fix it by burning down the garage.” Eventually, what you’re left with is an empty lot.

      I also think going off and masturbating is enabling the other spouse. They could then feel justified in their behavior thinking “It’s OK, she’s taking care of herself.”

      And just so you don’t think I’m answering this from within a protected bubble. I did this for a long time. During the early years of our marriage, my wife had a lot of pain during sex, so for months, perhaps longer (I didn’t keep track), I would bring her to orgasm manually or orally, but sex was out of the question. Then she would say “sorry”, and go to sleep. (mutual masturbation was not in our repertoire yet). So I’d leave and “finish myself off”. And yeah, it broke the relationship further, instead of working on our issues, we let them sit like that for a long time.

      I’m not saying it’s hard, and I’m not saying I would have done any better. I’m saying what I did was wrong, and I wish I could go back and fix it, and so I’m advising others to.

      • I’m not exactly advocating finishing yourself off. I found it even more painful that my husband couldn’t spend less than five minutes (usually only 1-2 minutes at most) finishing things for me.

        I tried over and over to explain to him how it leaves me feeling. For days after, it leaves me with literally shattered nerves. Everything makes me jumpy, everything is hard to cope with, I cry all the time (not in front of him or my daughter though), I want to scream at people, I feel red raw emotionally until we are finally able to have sex and reach orgasm.

        It doesn’t happen a lot – I’d day 50% of the time I feel no need to orgasm , it is simply the sex I crave (I understand if as a man, you can’t understand this as guys are biologically built to need to orgasm every time) so I stop when he finishes, and 45% I orgasm first or at the same time. But the other 5%? he finishes first and doesn’t continue.

        I’ve explained over and over the profound physical and emotional toll this takes on me, especially when we often then don’t have sex for usually a week as he’s had his fill and doesn’t want it any sooner, so I live with shattered nerves, constantly on edge for up to week. And I know I finally made a little progress in that last week he finally kept participating after he was finished because I really needed it (we’d only had sex once in three weeks because I had a severe UTI and thrush and a third down there issue) and begged him to continue, but he acted like it was the world’s most horrible chore, like he’d rather be scrubbing toilets than taking that few minutes to be intimate with me.

        And what makes it worse is that every time something comes up that prevents us from having sex, he gets all excited. I’m pregnant and had wanted to have sex today after being rejected all day yesterday over and over, and after discovering I had some bleeding and a trip to the doctor and being put on bed rest (stuck in my bed with my laptop now), he makes it sounds like it’s fantastic as he’s found another excuse to get out of sex.

        It’s incredibly hard for me, because 1. I have to battle my own feelings – I WANT SEX! I feel fine except some abdominal pain, but I know waiting a day or two for sex isn’t worth losing my precious baby over but 2. why does he have to be so happy he doesn’t have to have sex?

        I know he’s not trying to act happy or be cruel or callous or anything, but it really hurts.

        But back to the question I asked, yeah, I don’t finish myself off anymore (tried a few times when we first got married) but only because doing so makes me feel even more hurt and unwanted. But I don’t see that it’s doing anything wrong. Especially if you’re lying right next to your spouse, with the offer there to participate the whole time, and they are the ones choosing to ignore the offer. But then again, I personally still don’t see anything wrong with masturbation under certain circumstances within marriage (such as long times away from your spouse and as long as you only think of your spouse and that it’s to build up your marriage not take away from it). I don’t masturbate because I don’t find it enjoyable – it’s like the difference between playing a tennis match against an opponent and just hitting a ball against the wall by yourself – it’s just not a real game of tennis if you do it yourself – sex is a two player sport and it just seems silly playing it by yourself. But I don’t see that it is wrong for those who do under strict conditions.

        And just a side note, if my husband masturbated and told me and said he only thought of me? It would do wonders (positive) for our marriage. Our biggest sex problem is I don’t feel at all desired by him. He rarely initiates (only 3 times in our entire nearly year long marriage and I’m sure one of those was deliberately because I wasn’t in a position to actually do it, and he knew I’d be forced to say no, so it was only to make me feel like he was initiating it with no actual intention of going through with it – if I had said yes, he’d have “changed his mind”) and he never compliments my body, he doesn’t want to see me naked (looks away any time we’re not in the middle of having sex), he makes excuses to make sex impossible, etc.

        If he turned around and said to me, he masturbated and thought of me and that the thought of me turned him on that much, I’d be over the moon happy. It would prevent a lot of the issues that have been a flow on from his rejection of me physically. As much as I want sex, I wanted to be wanted sexually even more than the act itself. But currently he constantly rejects both.

        I know I’m a big girl, but he swears it wouldn’t matter if I was a super model, it wouldn’t change his attraction levels. And it’s not like I haven’t tried to lose weight. I had lost 18kg since we met before I fell pregnant. And that is actually quite a miracle with all the crazy medical conditions I have and medications I take that have massive weight gain as side effects. Plus not supposed to be doing most of the exercise I do. Although it does have it’s plus sides – I’ve already gained 10kg from being pregnant and he hasn’t noticed at all and I’ve accepted that since I had to stop the medication I was taking to treat one of the medical conditions that causes my weight gain, due it not being safe in pregnancy, I’m going to probably gain a lot more, especially now with this stupid bed rest (so no exercise) and can’t be as tough with dieting for baby’s sake.

        But it’s hard when I get random people who tell me I’m hot (I don’t believe it, and think they are being inappropriate to say so since most of them know I’m married), but my husband isn’t attracted. I know he’s not gay as one “friend” suggested, but I do think he’s mostly asexual and that it’s due to testosterone deficiency but he of course considers that suggestion an insult to his manhood and refuses to get tested.

        Pretty depressed now about how happy he was about me not being allowed to have sex for a few days at least.

        • Not much to say that I haven’t addressed before. About the fact that you would be happy if he masturbated thinking about you. I think that’s a product of your circumstance.

          To use hyperbole: It’s a little like police being relieved and happy that they caught a known serial killer to find out that this time he only kidnapped them. Does it make it right? No! Good? No! But, in light of how bad it could be, it can make them happy.

          I’ve been on the receiving end of refusal, it’s not fun, and it’s not pretty, and it can mess with your mind, and sadly, you can’t make him change, it’s something he’s going to have to do on his own. The best you can do is model good behaviour, pray and don’t enable him by telling him it’s OK, but on the other hand, don’t beat him down by telling him he’s bad. It’s a difficult place to be.
          Jay Dee recently posted..Beginner Bondage QuestionsMy Profile

  • I came across your article bcs I am looking for help. It happend three days ago when one morning I discovered on my you tube history two videos of girls in bikini. I was so shocked as I knew it was not me and no body shares our computer. Our kids are all toddlers so I knew it was my husband. We have been married for 6 years and have three kids. I always thought that my husband was not doing things like this. My whole world crashed in front of my eyes and being two moths postpartum of my third baby…I could not stop comparing myself to this women online and seeing all my imperfections. When he came home, I told him about it and he broke in tears saying that he has been struggling with it since a long time, way before we got married. While he does not watch porn, he does look sometimes at tv channels with sexual scenes when he travels on business trips and also this is followed by MB. He said that he prays not to fall into that sin but every time he travels, he falls…Please believe in what a shock I am…He was the only man I ever met and married. I tried my best to always be good looking, trying hard to always loose post partum weight and be a good-looking wife to him. I noticed that during my whole last pregnancy he did not want to make love to me. He had a mental block somehow, and those months also he was traveling a lot…I don’t know what to do now. He said that he is so happy that the sin is exposed now so we can pray together and help him over come this sin. I suffered a lot this past days, I said I forgave him, but deep inside me I am so hurt. Let me tell you that my background where I grew, coming from a muslim culture before I got saved, was so pure, so the my husband is the first men I ever dated. I knew nothing about their struggles and their issues. This world was so new to me…after 6 years of living in this mirage of a marriage I thought was healthy, since we both enjoyed sex and never stayed more than a week. So are all the men like this or is only my husband…Did I married someone who has issues, or just a christian men who struggles with this problem as any other. Please help me understand…I never had thoughts of suicidal before and I am having them now as I feel betrayed and robbed. What should I do to help him, help myself and our marriage survive this problem? I’ve lost respect of him while he is a wonderful husband to me and a wonderful dad to my kids. What tells me he will not cheat on me? I am devastated…

    • Ok, first things first: You are post-partum, and everything is going to seem much worse than it is in reality. If you are having suicidal thoughts, you need to talk to a professional, pastor, counselor, doctor, helpline, anything. Please.

      I understand this is a big shock. The thing to remember is that this has been going on for a while. It coming out is a good thing. It may seem devastating, but this is actually improvement, and growth always hurts. You marriage has not been invalidated by it, nor does it mean your husband is not the man you thought he was. Just means there is an aspect of himself, which he wants to fix, that you weren’t aware of. Don’t think of this as you against him, but rather the both of you, and God, against this sin. That’s how you beat this thing and actually get a better marriage out of the deal.

      Let’s calm down and focus on the good for a moment:
      1) He could have lied, made up an excuse, whatever. He didn’t, he came right out and said he was guilty. Good for him. That takes courage. That’s something to respect. It means he’s not burying it, he wants to change.
      2) He wants you to help him. That’s fantastic, and how it should be. Spouses should be able to rely on each other for support. Too many spouses try to face something like this and separate themselves until they have it fixed (consequently many of them never manage to do it on their own). That he wants to partner with you is a really good sign.
      3) He’s a wonderful dad, it sounds like your marriage is pretty healthy. You are in a good place to tackle this together. So many people get this type of news after years of hurt, resentment and bitterness, without knowing why their marriage is broken, only knowing that it is. You’re leaps ahead in this regard.

      Now, when he goes away, he needs a strategy for not being tempted. An accountability partner in the church would be a good idea, someone he can call when he’s having problems. I think he should also call you whenever he’s feeling tempted. There is nothing wrong/sinful about being tempted. It’s when one gives in that it’s a problem. Help him not to give in. Remind him of what he has at home waiting for him, and the how good the relationship that he’s damaging by this behavior really is. If/when he struggles/falls again, it is imperative that you don’t come down hard on him, yell at him, spiral into depression. This is only going to feed his guilt (which he already has, believe me), and going to push him away from you. That’s the last thing you want. You need to be supportive and caring and have the attitude God does when we sin. It’s basically the same attitude you have when your toddler falls and gets upset while their learning to walk. “It’s ok, we’ll try again, I’m proud of you for taking that step. We’ll do this together.”

      There’s also going to be some work on your side to forgive him. That’s going to be hard. We are all sinful, we all do wrong, and while the impact of those sins aren’t equal, God says all sin is the same. You’re also going to have to learn to trust him. Jumping to the conclusion that he might have an affair because he’s looking at women in bikini’s shows a serious trust issue. I’m sure you didn’t think your husband was perfect before this came out, and he’s still not. He’s a sinner, same as you, same as me, we all need forgiveness, from God and from our spouses.

      So, step back a second. Take a breath, calm down. God tell us that he will forgive our sins if we repent and ask. He also tells us to forgive others. Statistically, your husband is “normal” in this regard. Half of men have a history with porn. He is no more evil, sinful, fallen and broken than the rest of us. And the numbers with women are catching up every day. This isn’t the end of the world, but it is something that both of you need to get together on to fight.

      Spend time praying together and separately for this, and if you both work towards getting this out of your lives, I have every reason to believe that you will look back and see this as a turning point in your marriage towards something even better.

  • Thank you for your reply. I went through your blog this past hours and I know God brought me here…I am starting to calm down a little and breathe. I just hate that I discovered this in the postpartum zone…as you said, things look way worse than they really are. But THANK YOU for your suggestions, it encourages me to help him and also love him more. You are right about trust issues…I grew up with my dad cheating on my mom multiple time and I have hard time believing people when they actually tell the truth. While with my husband, I had a very good open communication, and he has proven in little things and big things in daily life that he is a very honest man, I never doubted anything he said or did. Because as I said, he is the most wonderful and honest man and dad..that is why my whole shock to this discovery. I know he is sorry, he was crying more than me, and he usually does not cry.
    I want to help him.

    Thank you again for your suggestions. I am in peace now.Thank you

    • I thought there might be something in your past exacerbating this. Thanks for taking the time to come back and give an update. My wife and I wish you the best, from a couple who has been in a similar situation.

  • An unmarried man is cheating his future wife if he resorts to masturbation ? – that a big laugh. This is precisely why I junked my bible and Christianity.

    You can reaad my post on abstinence at http://faithbond777.wordpress.com/ to know more.

    • You are welcome to disagree, even discuss, but, well, your comment isn’t much of an argument. Could you present your reasons for disagreeing?

      Oh, and I fixed your link. It was incorrect.

      Welcome to the blog-o-sphere, but a point of etiquette: It’s a little rude to attempt to kick-start your blog by jumping on someone else for the first time, attacking their post and leaving a link to yours just to get traffic without ever intending to actually contribute a valid discussion.

      • Hi Jay Dee

        First of all, let me begin with an apology. My intention for putting the link – thanks for correcting it, by the way – in my response was that I would not have to reproduce the reasons and my lengthy rationale, which is already on my blog. But when I see this from your perspective, if feels wrong. I’m sorry. Please thrash that comment so it is unavailable to others.

        I see you have been kind enough to give me a detailed response to my article (Fallacies…), to which I replied to, but because you put it in the comment of my blog, my response too has gone there. I had intended to direct you to the abstinence article instead which contains my angst regarding the topic of masturbation.

        Very briefly, my reasons for disagreeing are:
        1. Sin has to be universal, it cannot be conditional. Something as basic as a need cannot (and should not) be a sin outside marriage and okay within. If it is, then the Christian God is unfair to people without partners. Some of these people have prayed for years for a partner and have not received. That makes the ask-and-you-shall-receive conditional too.
        2. An unmarried man is cheating his future wife if he resorts to masturbation? How can this be true, logically? Why will an unmarried man settle for masturbation if he has access to a willing wife? What if this unmarried man is not granted a wife for decades despite his best effort?? Does he still have to pray to a Good Shepherd who decides / chooses to keep him in want? (this is true for both genders)
        3. My personal experience with Christianity leaves a lot to be desired and so I have abandoned it. I find too many inconsistencies in the bible and it feels like a religion that is bent on taking all that is fun and enjoyable and making it a sin. It seems to thrive on self-denial, suffering, fear, etc.
        In some of the responses I read, I guess you are of the view that a person grins and bears it, if his/her spouse denies them sex. And if this is to be for the rest of their lives, I feel this is not acceptable. But then these are a Christian God’s laws, which no right-minded Christian will argue about.
        4. If you go through the history of Christianity, it seems it was put in place to overcome / replace a popular pagan religion. What if all these absurd sex rules (including the religion and the bible) are a conjuring of a church which is intent on celibacy?
        5. Lust as a sin should be more linked with the desire to covet for sex, rather than passing thoughts or image used for the purpose of masturbation.

        I won’t preach to people what to follow – let people follow their own path, and their own rules.

        • Not all christians feel masturbation in and of itself is a sin. Some of us take the belief that it’s wrong to think about any woman while doing it before marriage, and any other women other than your wife after marriage.

          With the further provisos that it can be a danger before marriage as it can awaken sexual desire that then leads to other sin – much like giving an alcoholic a drink – some people can stop it leading to more, others can not, so why take the chance.

          And for after marriage, it has to be not depriving your spouse – either physically and emotionally. If your spouse is there, you should be focussing on enjoying sex with her or just spending time with her. Where as there are cases where I think it can be allowed, as long as you only think about your spouse and it’s about maintaining a strong relationship with your spouse, for example those in the army who are away from their spouse for a long time and alternatives like phone/net sex are not an option due to privacy issues.

          I think FB777 you seem to misunderstand christianity. Let me give an example, using alcohol again. There are those who say that they think christianity suck out all the fun out of life because the bible says getting drunk is wrong. But those who say that misunderstand – getting drunk is incredibly damaging to the human body and is dangerous and can lead to all sorts of bad things. There are some misguided christians who do try to suck all the fun out of it and say don’t drink at all. But there is nothing wrong with drinking – just within safe limits. Sex is like that. Christianity doesn’t suck all the fun out of sex. It just puts in place boundaries to protect people from negative consequences. If no one had sex outside of marriage, STDs would die out, no one would end up accidently pregnant and single, and there would be much few single parents out there (and trust me, it’s not fun being a single parent). Of course there are a few idiots who call themselves christians who twist things around and claim that even married people shouldn’t have sex – or at the very least, they shouldn’t enjoy it or desire it. But that’s just misguided individuals, not genuine christianity.

          Christians can have lots of fun – just God has put boundaries in place for our protection.

          • Hi ButterflyWings

            Thank you for your response, but I have to say the following:
            1. My main objection and discussion is limited to the perspective of a single, never-unmarried person.
            2. No one awakens sexual desire – it awakens itself. And when you have no recourse to it, mainly for extended durations of time, only then do you have to resort to what Christians refer to as “temptation”. And what most of the Christian religious suggest is take refuge in some bible phrases and suppress it down, for God knows how long. Or they provide laughable solutions: take a cold shower…
            3. I assume you are married and have access to sex, for you choose to use the “boundaries” argument. What safe limits are you talking about for an unmarried guy in his mid-forties who’s never had sex, who’s not been able to get a wife for some reason that only God knows about, and who knows that most people are getting (probably limitless, if not some) sex both within and without those boundaries you mention. And for what? Because he is supposed to stay a Christian? For people who tell me these things, I get mad enough to throw the book at them – the bible, that is.

            I don’t mean to come out this strongly, but that’s the way I feel, not personally about you though. And to me, Christianity is worse than denied sex. If you are in my shoes and the Christian God has kept you in want for so long, is he the one you are going to take refuge in?

            • FB777 I would beg to differ about sexual desire not being “awaken”. I have a very high drive for a woman, but before I met my first husband, I was not the least bit interested. And after that marriage ended, I had very little desire for sex until I met the man who became my second husband. In both circumstances, desire was definitely “awakened”. After losing my first marriage, I felt absolutely no “temptation” at all until things got serious with my second husband. Considering my very high sex drive and years of doing it with my first husband, then a number of years before I even met my second husband, I can guarantee the desire is controllable, even for those who have years of “experience”.

              So while I may be married now, I know what it’s like to be unmarried for years after years of a previous marriage. Years of not (morally) having access to sex.

              And I never believed I would remarry. After losing my first marriage, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life alone. Which is a big thing for someone who was just 27 at the time to face. Having known sex, it’s not easy to spend years thinking you will never have it ever again. There is still hope for you to marry and enjoy the pleasures of a happy sexual relationship.

              The boundaries I talk about (keeping sex within marriage only), is to protect you from things like STIs and unwanted pregnancies etc. Having had an STI from my cheating first husband that may one day kill me, it’s not an easy thing to deal with. Do you want that? To have a potential death sentence hanging over your head for the few minutes pleasure of sex?

              Condoms aren’t perfect – my now-ex husband and I were using condoms because I had an allergy to his stuff. It didn’t stop him giving me HPV from one of his mistresses.

              Monogamy is the only true protection from STIs (other than total abstinence of course). That is why boundaries around sex and marriage are so important.

              • Hi ButterflyWings, thank you for sharing a bit about your life and consequently your view.

                Your being a woman explains everything, which is why you can use the word “awaken”. For men, it is different. It is almost a life and death situation – sex is that strong and needed. This can be evidenced from statistics of masturbation, the gender patronizing prostitution, age of first sexual indulgence, the gender of the initiator of sex in any type of relationship, rape stats, and so on. For woman, sex can be awakened because it comes via the emotions route.

                Marriage offers no protection from STDs – it didn’t protect you, and HIV-aids can be got via means other than sex. So, being monogamous and then being faithful in marriage is no guarantee against the things you talk about.

                But we have digressed from my point of argument, and that is theologically, masturbation is inherently a sin, and the advantages of sex are only to be enjoyed by the people who’ve had the opportunity to have a willing partner; as if singles are children of a lesser God. So when I read statements like “An unmarried man is cheating his future wife if he resorts to masturbation”, I am more than willing to generously donate a few expletives and correct that notion, that one-sided inherently unfair reasoning.

                The only time I can rest my argument is when every single lonely person has a mate (in preferably a married relationship), free to experience sex just as much as any other person. Until then, religious statements made on this blog hold little value to me.

  • Thank you for this! Last night I was smacked with this reality again when my husband confessed once again he still struggles with this. We’ve only been married a little over four years and in that time I’ve had to forgive him a few times already for similar issues. It’s difficult for me because we stayed pure during our 6 months of courtship and 6 months of engagement but I was a virgin at 28 when we were married but he wasn’t. I knew this and forgave him before even dating because it was before he accepted Christ as his Savior. Everything you said is spot on and definitely follows Biblical guidelines! Thank you for your Biblical view and sharing with us! Don’t let the naysayers cause you to stop sharing what God has shown you in His Word! This has helped me tremendously!

  • Also, forgot to mention that I’m definitely not a woman that withholds from my husband… We are together about 4 to 5 times a week… I don’t understand still why that’s not enough?

    • That’s good! Why is it not enough? I’m willing to bet that it doesn’t have anything to do with it not being enough. It likely has more to do with the fact that it’s addictive and now he’s having trouble breaking free. Find out what his pattern is, when/where/what he’s using/why he does it. Then work to change the circumstances.

      If he works from home and does it then, maybe he needs to work out of a coffee shop for a while. Or if he stays up late and then does it, start going to bed earlier.

      If you are willing, let him know he can come to you any time, without reservation and you’ll help him with any desires.

  • Thanks for your write up God bless you.It just dawned on me that my husband has a problem with masturbation.I have caught him on the dinning table while reading,under the duvet several times and yesterday on the bed as soon as he got back home. Each time I catch him,I pretend not to see anything.I don’t even know how to confront him about it.He is also addicted to pornography.He told me he has stopped watching them,but was surprised he flared up and shouted the day I wanted to throw away his pornographic dvds,he said he will dispose them by himself,and did that almost immediately only for him to hide one of the dvds(I didn’t tell him I saw were he hid it) I have never refused him sex.On one or two occasions I did,he got angry and I had to apologise and let him have his way.He doesn’t doesn’t like discussing romance and sex.when I ask him if there was any other thing I can do to please him in bed, he told me I was doing well.

    • It’s going to be very hard to talk about the porn use and the masturbation if he’s not comfortable discussing the sexual activities that don’t come with guilt attached.

      When do you normally try to discuss sex/the relationship/romance? My suggestion, if you haven’t already tried, is right after sex, lying side-by-side in the dark.
      1) He’s got a bunch of oxytocin in him, which makes him trust more, more relaxed and more loving
      2) It’s side by side, it’s easier to talk about uncomfortable things when you aren’t face to face
      3) It’s in the dark, so that adds to the safety factor, you can’t see facial expressions, and men have been taught that emotions are weakness, so if he can just use words, body language or facial expressions, it might be easier to ease into it.

      Also, talk about something besides the porn use and masturbation for the first discussion. Let him know you are willing to have sex whenever he wants, that you are open to new things, but that you are content with your sex life as it is (unless that isn’t true, don’t lie). If he opens up, it will be easier down the road (maybe days, maybe weeks, depends on the husband) to open up the discussion to other things.

      It took us a long time to get used to talking about sex, and then more time to talk about masturbation and porn, and then again a long time to start talking dirty (honestly, that one’s still not 100% comfortable), but we get better the more practice we have, and every time you step into a new area or topic, it’s going to feel weird at first. Now we can talk about just about anything, but it took work and practice, it doesn’t come instantaneously or by default.

  • Jay Dee,
    I have a question.
    Let me first tell you about the situation. We were married back in the late eighties. Both of us have high sex drives. We would make love daily, or just about daily. It was hard to get pregnant because of this. I did not know this at the time, but it puts your sperm count way down with daily orgasms. We were advised to abstain until right before ovulation, then, we finally got pregnant. Those abstaining days were hard on us. I’m glad it was only two cycles before I got pregnant, using the abstaining method. We continued to make love daily throughout the pregnancy. The bigger issues started after childbirth. I was in really rough shape and nearly died. I won’t go into the details but it was really bad. I was a complete mess down there. I had to drag around a catheter bag for more than 3 weeks. We were told to abstain during those 6 weeks after delivery so I could heal, so we did. It was hard on us. Then I found out I healed badly. I had my first reconstructive surgery shortly after that initial 6 week waiting period. We had to wait another 6 weeks for healing after the reconstructive surgery. It turned out to be an unsuccessful operation. I went for a second reconstructive surgery. Now let’s count for 6 more weeks of waiting. This last surgery was successful, thank God!
    My question to you Jay is…was my husband sinning because he masturbated during the time it took for me to get back to normal? We were used to daily sex before the baby was born. After the baby was born, we had to wait until I was healed properly. The total time involved was 4 1/2 months. Isn’t that a lot to ask of a husband with a high sex drive? He nearly lost me and he temporarily lost our love making too. Just trust me, I was in no condition to participate in any sex. After the childbirth, I was fighting for my life. I even had Mom come over and help me with everything. Did my husband sin? After the 4 1/2 months we went back to the daily love making and no more masturbating solo.

    • Was there something preventing him from doing so in your presence, with you involved? Why did it have to be solo and separate? “Participating in sex” can have a very low, or no, physical involvement.

      • Jay, I was so sick. I could not do much of anything. I was so close to death. It was so awful. Mom would come and take care of me and baby, even though she has a husband (my dad) with cancer at home. I was in much worse shape, at the time. Truly.
        We (DH and I) both hoped this was a short temporary setback. Sex at that moment in time was secondary to survival for me. My DH had sexual needs that went beyond my physical capabilities at that time. After delivery, I healed shut and my body filled with toxins. Like I said, I was in rough shape. This was devastating to both of us. I think it blew his mind to think that he almost lost me (near death). He had needs that I was physically unable to fulfill. Kisses never stopped or anything loving, just not intercourse. He only has orgasms with intercourse and with nothing else. Believe me, we do it all, but he he only has O’s with PIV. Don’t forget that I was dragging around a catheter bag too. It’s just not sexy.
        I just could not do intercourse…for 4 1/2 months. I would not wish this on anyone. Masturbating did embarrass him to do it and that’s partly why it was done in private. The other part is that we have a high drive. He did not want me to feel any worse then I did because I physically could not do PIV. This was something he did during this awful time in our lives. It stopped the day we successfully made love after this whole ordeal. It’s never happened again. Since our wedding night, we have made love almost every day/night with the exception of those 4 1/2 months. That’s why I was wondering if under extreme circumstances is it not sin. His purpose was for physical release while I was unable to do it. This was not ordinary postpartum. I think even the Lord looks at each situation. So, Jay, was it a sin in my DH’s case?

        • I stand corrected. He only has O’s with PIV and maturbation when DW was physically unable.

        • Alright, you keep asking for my opinion, so here it is. Keep in mind, it’s just the opinion of a regular guy.

          So, in my post is sex a need or a want, I came to the conclusion that sex is a need for the relationship, but a want for a person. We don’t NEED sex to survive. We can manage just fine, regardless of drive. It may not be the most pleasant existence, but you can exist and still have a fulfilling life. So, to me, you cannot claim it’s a need in that regard.

          Sex IS a need for a marriage. However, what makes it a need is exactly what makes solo masturbation invalid for fulfilling the need. It is a need because of the connection and the bond that is shared/created during sex. When you masturbate alone, you break that function of sex. Therefore, saying you have to masturbate to fulfill the need is very similar to saying you need to have an affair to save the marriage in my mind. I know the bulk of the population will disagree with me on that one though.

          Now, there is another principle at work though, and this is far more theology than about sex. I’m not sure you can sin without knowing it’s a sin, or at least, I’m not sure it’s held against you. Not to say that it doesn’t still have a negative impact, but I’m not sure where it sits on judgement (which is sort of a moot point given Christ died for us, but still a point). The Bible teaches that God winks at ignorance, but once we know something is sin, we should not continue to sin. As well, there is forgiveness for any repented sin.

          So, it depends on what you mean by sin. Is it a sin against God counted against him? I’m not sure if your husband wasn’t aware he was sinning. Is it what God intended? I’m going to say no. In that sense, anything that is against God’s will is sin.

          Is that clear? Or have I made it worse?

          • I understand where you are coming from with this. I guess, I just thought this was a (4 1/2 month) season in my hubby’s life and neither one of us saw it as sinning against God. I like the way things are now. Okay, no more beating a dead horse. Thanks for answering my pesky questions.

            • Not pesky at all! I just don’t want people to think I’m the authority on what is sin or not. This blog is merely my opinion, which very well could be wrong. I love having the chance to show my thought process and have a real discussion.

              If you don’t think it’s a sin, I don’t really have a problem with that. We all have our own walk with God, and it’s not my place to judge yours.

  • I am in disagreement with most of the overall comments on masturbation. God made us with hands, senses like our mind, smell, touch etc. He also made us to reach our privates. That may not come across as the strongest argument to masturbate; however, masturbation plays an important and well documented part of physical development from boys to men. Furthermore, people throughout the ages have all masturbated included well before the modern period of pictures and movies. There is a constant association between masturbation and porn and while this is true that people male and female use porn to masturbate. People male and female masturbate without it as well. Men NORMALLY masturbate when their wives are pregnant and masturbation increases during such times. Men masturbate for different reasons. Some do it to go to sleep including women. Some fantasize and others don’t. I can tell you from personal experience I have always masturbate (99% of the time without porn). I have seen porn, do not subscribe to it or buy it and do agree it can be addicting). However, I masturbate within my marriage for a variety of reasons. My wife has a serious medical condition and had great pain on any given day. Sex is something we do only when she can really perform often with pain medication. There are times she has masturbated me because she cannot perform. She knows I masturbated during both pregnancies because she had difficult pregnancies and was in bed for months. Opps, I am a full born again Christian and am comfortable in my faith. I have told my wife about my rare and occasional use of porn and we have as honest Christians used porn in the bedroom at time. She is not a big fan of it and to some extent same for me. But I will admit it does arouse me (and her).
    I will also admit as someone that practices celibacy that my wife is the only woman I had sexual intercourse with all my life. Masturbation played an important role in keeping my celibacy before marriage. Since I lacked and sexual experience with other women, I have used porn on many occasions to learn. Yes there is a lot to learn by watching other people do it.
    Hopefully, you get the picture. Masturbation has an important role in sexual development. Jesus Christ the son of the living GOD was here as Man and made no reference to this topic. He also made no reference to Homosexual relationships. We will never know why he did not comment on these topics. Is it possible, GOD knows us well enough and gave us the ability to Self sex pleasure ourselves so we can stay faithful to our partners? For me, the most important thing in my marriage of 32 years has been to be honest with my wife. She knows my needs, she knows how to satisfy me, she knows there are times when she could not and understands or even helps me masturbate. I see lots of comments assuming that ALL masturbation is PORN related, this is absolute nonsense. People do not need porn to do it. Porn is a different topic. There is quite a variety of porn including INSTRUCTIONAL porn, yes porn that teaches different positions and techniques for sex. Since this is not taught in the family or church, throughout history, men and women have had to figure it out on their own. I know a beautiful couple that marriage failed partly because the man was unhappy as his wife was not good in bed and simply did not know what to do. She was not sexually active before marriage.
    Porn is dangerous and addicting but if used wisely or as a couple, can add new life and excitement to a marriage. There is lots of porn that teaches how to use certain sex toys and how NOT to use them and safety etc.
    We need to discuss masturbation, porn, human sexuality honestly. While they do overlap, cherry picking scripture to support a view does nothing to address human sexuality in marriage. I leave you with this: simply be honest with your spouse.

    • I would have to say I disagree with nearly everything you said, especially that about porn being beneficial. I don’t know how you could support that one with scripture, cherry picking or otherwise.

      And while I agree that it is very important to be honest with your spouse, that is not enough. It is not OK to have an affair so long as you are open about it, for example.

  • Hi, Sorry but due to the nature of the topic I need to be a bit explicit

    I am a Christian woman who enjoys pleasuring herself through touch as part of my sexual experience with my husband. When my husband arouses me I like to touch myself before he goes in, sometimes I orgasm but then that makes me even more ready for him and when he’s inside me I will orgasm even more than I would without first touching myself. Making masturbation part of my sex life gives me a feeling of wholeness whereas simply orgasming with penetration isn’t enough…likewise neither is clitoral stimulation, I like both. My husband could touch me but he’s very hurried in our love-making and rough and he simply doesn’t know how to do it as well as me, when I’m doing that he’s with me kissing/caressing me or doing his favourite thing to do kissing my breasts so it’s not as though I’m excluding him but he’s got this “thing” about me touching myself and says he feels like he’s a failure when I do it but then again he’s got this “thing” about my fluids, he doesn’t like me to be wet when we’re having sex and sees something “wrong” with it. I find the whole thing frustrating, could you do an article about this perhaps? Masturbation is not the domain of men and neither is it always a solo pursuit, my husband knows that without him or thinking of him I cannot orgasm and I certainly don’t enjoy it at the expense of my sex life with him, I just want it to be part of it.

    • Hi Chris,

      Just to clarify, you want me to write a post about masturbation during sex or at least with your spouse?

      • Yes please. I’d like him to see that this isn’t a form of rejection, it’s something that women do partly because of the way they are made and it’s something that’s it’s okay to celebrate. My desire to express myself in this way is BECAUSE of how he makes me feel not because he’s doing something wrong. I think it’s important for men to understand why (some) women need this and that it’s healthy so long as they are included in this. Since writing my initial comment I see that I think the reason men are so cut up about it (I’ve read a couple of forums and seen how many guys seem to be horrified that women are doing this) is because they only have one place of pleasure, when a man masturbates apart from watch him there isn’t much you can do but when a woman does it he can join in, also for a man his penis is his pleasure zone so he naturally thinks that for a woman it’s just her vagina and doesn’t realise that the clitoris needs stimulation too. I just wanted to put this out there because firstly masturbation is generally seen as a man thing and second I’d like it to be shown that it can be healthy provided we understand what the boundaries are. Thank you for responding to my comment and letting me speak in such a frank and open manner. Warm regards.

        • That sounds like it would be a great post. Been meaning to write one on the subject actually, but you’ve given me some more ideas. I’m going to challenge a few of your assumptions though, I hope that’s OK.

          And you’re welcome to be frank and open. Basically, so long as it is honest and not vulgar for the sake of being vulgar, or to be titillating, I’m open to discussion.

          • Oh please do Jay! I came here to learn believe it or not I’m fasting and praying about a few things and find myself here! I was saying to someone the other day that I am convinced we don’t have the full mind of God in this area, sex is NOT just about baby-making, after all we have other bodily functions that don’t have such emotion attached to them. I have been praying about past hurts and yet God seems to be opening me up in this area and I cannot help but realise He is not pleased for me to say “I surrender all” but then lock Him out of my bedroom -not that we’re practising anything ungodly but I think He wants to be fully involved in this area of my life.

            I am so glad for this forum, I’m never normally this forthright usually more cryptic but I’m opening myself up so I can get some help. Please challenge away, new Biblical perspectives are appreciated. Bless you :-)

            • Awesome, I love meeting people who like to be challenged.

              That’s a good point, it’s important to always look at ourselves and think “What can do I to grow next?” So often, we want to look to our spouses to grow, when we have plenty of work on our own.

  • Seriously?! Because we don’t get laid!

    • Hi Joe,

      Well, that’s a catalyst I think, but not an underlying reason. Are you saying if you had enough sex, you wouldn’t masturbate? According to Paul’s recent survey, only 38% of men and 18% of women claim that sexual refusal was a reason for masturbating.

    • You’re kidding right Joe? I know of men who have sex 3-4 times a DAY and yet still masturbate. And you’re obviously unaware that in 25% of marriages it is the woman who has the higher sex drive and the male who is refusing sex. And the funny thing is, where the male is the refuser, they nearly all masturbate. It has nothing to do with the man not getting laid.

  • Obviously, couples (especially religious couples) seem to have as much of a problem with the topic of masturbation as they do with something like anal sex. Sorry about the comparison, but it will do for discussion purposes. The point is, many women feel as if their partner is being “selfish” if they take pleasure in their own body, as if – after marriage – a man’s sexual pleasure is supposed to come ONLY from his partner. I think that’s actually “selfish” of the female. Other women feel “threatened” or “cheated-upon” if their man enjoys viewing erotic material. Ignore the fact that many women (including religious women) read “romantic novels.” It’s all about fantasy, people. In some ways, I think the topic of masturbation is like eating sushi or kimchi; it’s definitely an “acquired taste,” and as such it might be possible to “educate” one’s partner about it, to explain to one’s partner WHY you enjoy it, but sometimes the other person’s “aversion” to masturbation is just so strong that you’re never going to get them to try it, enjoy it or accept it. I would like to think that education and communication are the answers to all of Life’s problems, but actually it’s more like the ACCEPTANCE of education. A person has to want to ALLOW their perception about something to be changed – or at least to allow for the POSSIBILITY of change. That’s the real roadblock to an issue like masturbation – opposing feelings so deep and strong that one refuses to accept that there might be other valid attitudes and positions.

    • Oh, I would argue there is a big difference between sushi and masturbation…
      And I would tend to lean the other way, that the women reading “romantic novels” are being just as unfaithful as the men who are erotic material.
      The world keeps trying to tell us that porn and masturbation are healthy and acceptable and “everyone does it”, and now they’re working towards telling us that affairs are good and natural and healthy as well.

      Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you]. – Romans 12:2 [AMP]

      • You are – of course – entitled to your “scripture-based” opinion and feelings where any kind of sexual activity is concerned; however, please keep in mind that it is an opinion. If that is what works for you, then by all means live by it. But do not use it as a benchmark by which to judge others as “right” or “wrong.” I’m guessing you view masturbation and the reading or viewing of any kind of erotica as some kind of “slippery slope” to hell. Again, you are entitled to that opinion. I choose to not agree with it.

        • No, the issue is not that I feel it is a “slippery slope” to hell (however that is a factor), but more than I believe it has real-world immediate and long standing negative effects on the marriage.

  • Negative effects on “your” marriage perhaps, but not ours. We’ve been very happily married for 44 years and neither masturbation nor erotica pose any kind of threat to our relationship. If it does for you, then you must choose to stay away from it. I do not prescribe it for you nor do I have any intention of trying to “justify” it to you. But there are plenty of couples for whom this is not any kind of serious problem to their relationship.

    • The problem is that many people don’t realize the damage they are doing until they stop and begin to heal, which can take time.
      Be it spirituality, health, porn, drugs or violence, often in the midst of it, we think we’re fine. It’s only looking back that we realize how damaging our lifestyle was and what we’ve missed out on.

  • So…you’re still insisting that both masturbation and/or erotica is “bad;” that it is “damaging.”

    Well…in retrospect, in hindsight – and I dare say that 44 married years qualifies as a significant period of time – we both see no “damage.” Now, you can put this exchange to rest, or we can continue it ad infinitum. You have your opinion. We have ours – not to mention some real life experience with which to back it up. I do not think that we are particularly unique as a married couple, nor that we possess any particular “immunity” to the supposed “damage” you keep suggesting. Your turn…

  • This is the best most logical Christian explanation for why pornography is damaging.

    I’d note to others who see no harm for themselves, many of the porn industry actors are exploited and physically and emotionally damaged. You are supporting that behavior by watching it.

  • This is a very good article. It has mostly answered me as i am currently facing such a problem in my marriage.

  • I do not watch or desire porn. My wife is always too busy, too tired, not in the mood, on the Ipad, on the phone, watching television or some other lame excuse. I shave, take several showers a day, brush my teeth and in very good shape. Woman are always hitting on me at the grocery store, but my wife rarely wants sex. Instead of getting mad at men for the “m” thing and the need for pornography, why not focus on why women are disobeying the bible and refusing to have sex with their husbands! That is the root cause of why men are doing things they should not be doing.

    • Hey Don,

      Yeah, I get where your coming from. So, why not focus on it?
      1) I have written about it frequently, so I do focus on it.
      2) I have to write to both sides of the marriage, in the hopes that one will at least be listening, but it does no good to tell the spouse being refused that their spouse shouldn’t be doing it.
      3) It’s not always the wife refusing the husband, sometimes the dynamic is switched.
      4) It’s not the root cause, it’s just a catalyst. The root cause is a lack of self-control and/or selfishness. There are plenty of wives who tell me they offer themselves willingly to their husbands, and the husbands are still masturbating.

      Hope that answers the question.

    • Don I am one of those wives who constantly offer, and even in the past has begged for sex. I used to ask every day, then every second day, then twice a week and now I only try once a week and still usually get rejected. My husband has done this our entire marriage and it hurts incredibly. I am always ready and willing. In our entire marriage, I think I have said no a total of two times and I was very very sick or physically hurting those days (chronic health problems), and couldn’t move. And hubby didn’t mind – it was quite obvious he was only offering because he knew I’d have to say no and was doing it build up my self esteem with no desire on his part to follow through with the offer (he’s offered before when he thought I’d say no and then backed out when I surprised him and said yes despite how sick and in pain I was).

      Yet he still masturbates. So women turning down men is not always the root cause of why men masturbate. It might be for some, it might even be for most, but it is certainly not all.

      • I guess I see this from a few angles. I’m a recovering alcoholic who also happens to be addicted to other things. I think if there was open communication right of the bat and we were “equally yoked” when it came to sexual desire, things would be perfect. Unfortunately I came into the marriage with a long past of masturbation and when marriage didn’t fulfill what I thought it would and I’d finally gave up asking for it masturbation just became part of my routine. Unfortunately I took it to the next level. So…. I guess a thought that has come into my mind recently is maybe I should have been more selective in a partner and found someone that had a sexual appetite similar to mine. Or maybe if I’d been honest about it off the start it would have resolved things. But I think ultimately it would have resulted in her not being with me so option #1 was probably inevitable.

        • Wait a minute. You can’t quote “unequally yoked” when it comes to sex drive, that is taking that verse way out of context.

          So, in short it sounds like you have some issues to work on in your marriage, and instead of dealing with them, you resort to masturbation. That’s not much of an excuse, sorry.
          I think it’s time to man up and start addressing your issues and working through them, both your own individually and together with your spouse. It’s not too late. Start now.

          Two passages come to mind:
          Philippians 3:12-14, 4:12-13

  • I’m getting married and I know that masturbation is an issue…I do it to and I believe we both masturbate more than we have sex together…I’ve addressed my issues through therapy and I’m working on it….mine is not an addiction but a feeling of insecurity when I’m with a man…I’ve made leaps and bounds in my security but now find out that he masturbates almost daily and it’s for sure affecting us in the bedroom….I just want to know the best way to approach him without backing him into a corner or embarrassing him. The last thing I want is for him to shut down…please help me…..thank you soooo much

    • Hi Tonya,

      Well…from a Christian perspective, there are two issues here I think:
      1) Sex prior to marriage is against biblical principles. So if you are wondering what to talk about, and want to hold to Biblical truth…then vowing to remain celibate prior to marriage would be my advice, though I understand it is incredibly hard to do so after you have already had sex…but I’ve seen couples do it.
      2) Masturbation is an issue and is going to be an issue for as long as either (or both) of you are participating in it. that’s my opinion at least, others will disagree. I have a more detailed post on that subject.

      So, that said, it’s hard to help you sort out what to say, without knowing what your beliefs on the subject are. You seem to believe that more masturbation than sex is an issue (and I’d agree), but I don’t know if you believe that masturbation itself is an issue. And you don’t seem to believe that pre-marital sex is an issue. So, that’s fairly outside of my context.

      What I will say is the best course of action is always to be open and transparent about your feelings. Talk about what you believe, what you feel. Don’t point fingers, don’t prescribe changes for him. If you want him to stop, tell him how it makes you feel, not that he needs to stop. Does that help?

  • I would love an answer ASAP so I can talk to him about this before I go about the wrong way…lol

  • Hi my husband travels alot and had some questions and found your website. Here is my .02 cents. My husband follows another ”higher power” , not whom he calls “God” :( that said, he’s said alot of thing that makes me suspicious from time to time. The worst one, he now claims he doesn’t MASTURBATE. Which I blame on me partly that I don’t have the sex drive I used to and I’m happily happy not to have (sex) ; I had my wild days but since I hit and finished menopause, I don’t even like masturbating myself–thank God for that I guess and I’m satisfied WITHOUT. My husband on the other hand brings up his higher power thingy and he claims I SHOULD WANT HIM MORE but truthfully, I’m sickened by his past indiscretions at relieving himself freely on the road; the more I think of his sick behavior-that’s all I need to resent having sex with him at all. What’s wrong with me! I take whatever he has to dish about sex and I end up laying there, even faking orgasm on him. I know he continues masturbating and, isn’t telling me; I tell him if he is and if he thinks saving me from hurt will, he’s wrong. I even told him with conviction that all I have to do is send my spirit to him wherever he is and I would know. Needless to say, he get’s very angry when I blurt that out especially that I know alot of women have thrown theirselves at him. Why is that?

    …….I meant , that I wouldn’t care if he ”cheated”, in fact,I’ve told him I’d be relieved that I was off the hook from doing him! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve ”loved” alot of men in my lifetime and I guess I love my husband–I am just not in-love with him. But I do care about him. Truth be known, his very smell makes me nauseaus. Help please.

    • Alright, I’m confused by a great many things here:
      1) So, he claims he doesn’t masturbate anymore, and you don’t believe him. Why not?
      2) What is this “send my spirit” thing?
      3) Is he having affairs? I’m confused.
      4) You wouldn’t care if he had an affair?!

  • When I was single, I used to masturbate quite a bit and realised after forming a deeper relationship with God that this was not doing me a lot of good. Now married I am grateful that I learned the importance of self control and while I am not perfect I always try to seek the pleasure for my husband. Lately though I have noticed that he is on his phone a lot, on facebook or reading other things or playing games and I have felt a little neglected or ignored. We talked about this and he didnt realise it. One thing he is good at is attending to my needs if I voice something (but if i don’t he wont realise it). I suspect that he is masturbating when I am around or at night when he thinks I am asleep and I am tired of pretending to be ignorant of it. How should I go about talking to him?

  • Hi Jay, I wrote you back some months ago when I first discover about this whole drama thing. If I could..I would scream HELP in every street I walk. I have grown so much hate inside of me. Somebody destroyed that beautiful castle of a princess and prince and I am crushed. Two months after I discovered my husbands struggle with masturbation and learned that all men have this struggle- came to find out that my dad is porn addicted too. ( don’t ask me the details of this, I still want to throw up when I think about it).
    Now- I cannot chill when we go to the swimming pool- when we are out for dinner-when women walk close by to my husband-basically I have turned into a freak. I don’t know how to render my pain-we make love often- 4 times a week- we both enjoy it but my mind is obsessed with thoughts of what he is thinking. Now I can totally call myself a total insecure looser. I have said it out loud a lot of times to my husband that had I known all these- I would never ever gotten married and gone on missions serving God and never cared about being married. One day I read about the last days of David in the bible, when he was so old and cold that they gave him a young beautiful woman to keep him warm and I bursted in tears of hate disgust. I just want to live happy like I was before and I feel like my joy in enjoying my family has gone since that day. Please help!

    • Well, not all men, but yeah, I’d say the majority. It’s something we often struggle with as a gender. Many women do as well.. Other men and women have their own struggles. Sin is sin. Struggling with sexuality is no worse than struggling with negative thoughts, or with over eating, or with laziness, or with the myriad of sins we struggle with as humans.

      You need to learn to let go of that hate. You need to work towards learning to trust your husband again I think. I understand this is a big blow in a short time, learning that both your husband and father struggle with this (and David in the Bible as well), but that sin is not yours to bear. It’s Christ’s. To carry it yourself, to fight it like this is to deny that He has taken on that job. Let’s Jesus take the burden of it. Focus on Christ’s death and what that means for all of us, including David, your husband, your father, and yourself. That’s my advice.

      And perhaps seek the counsel of a trusted church member, perhaps an elder or a pastor. This should not be consuming your daily thoughts. You are damaging your mental state, which can lead to many other issues.

      • Hi Jay- thank you for replying, It took some time to understand your reply…I guess accept it I should say..I prayed..and I prayed..and then a Sunday in church we had a group of men from teen challenge come and witness for their life how God had transformed it…I don’t know how and in what way God changed my heart, but I did leave the church holding my husbands hand so tight to mine that day. I refused to let that hate destroy our marriage. I know he loves me, and I spoke openly with him about it. Today—I am in love with him again and I have decided that for every time his past come to my mind, I would think about my sins and how mercifully God forgave my sins. Thank you! It did help your reply and I appreciate it!

  • I masturbate because my wife is always tired or busy, so we only do it 2-3 times a month–if that.

  • My husband for all of 39 years masturbated next to me in bed, stole magazines, watched porn on tv while I slept and now watches porn videos. He can’t look at a woman without having un clean thoughts. 18 years ago our 20 year old son killed himself, but that didn’t do anything to change him. He’s not a very compassionate person and rarely thinks of me. I am the opposite, wait on him hand and foot and have loved sex, but since the videos he didn’t want me. I thought he couldn’t get it up anymore, so I didn’t force the issue, but now I see the real picture. He’s lied, snuck around, shared what is our marriage and yet I am suppose to feel sorry for him. What more can I give him. I wish I never was married, what a waste of a wonderful woman with so much. Its unthankful, selfish and sad that men are this way. . . . sick.

  • If I suspect that my husband might be masturbating, is it my place to find out? Or let it go?

  • So my husband and I havensex almost everyday and I catch him before work or in the middle ofnthe night masterbating to porn and he knows it hurts me that he dose that and make me vary angry and yet he still continues and not only that when I catch him doing he it he trys to lie to my face about it even though I saw with my vary two eyes what was being done behind my back why could he be doing this??

    • Hi Jen,

      Well, in my non-professional opinion, I’d guess that his masturbation is less about the physical act of sex (which, as you’ve said is happening frequency), but is more about emotional intimacy, or perhaps security. This is based on two things:
      Firstly, that he continues to watch porn and masturbate, despite daily sex.
      Secondly, that he lies and hides it, showing that he doesn’t feel secure discussing his struggles with you.

      Perhaps the relationship needs more emotional vulnerability? Any thoughts on that?

  • Good article and please forgive if this has already been brought up. Another reason that a married man may masturbate is that he has a higher libido than his wife. This is the issue for my wife and I especially when we are in our rhythm of 3 times a week. I want more and right now this is the most she can muster. So there are times when I will masturbate, because I know that she is doing everything to make it 3 nights and it makes her feel bad to say no to me. I will say that when we are not in our rhythm then I don’t feel the urge as much. I usually think about the night before or think about our up coming tryst most of the time. I do some times fantasize of other things and that are the ones that makes me feel guilty, I’m working on those issues as I know they are wrong this is about 50% of the time.

    • Hi,

      I think it might have been brought up before, but that’s okay. I would argue that differing drives is not a cause, merely a catalyst or a temptation. There is no reason you can’t manage on a diet of 3 times a week. You just don’t want to. What it sounds like you are saying is that you’d rather masturbate alone than wait for your wife, that the physical sensation is more important than keeping sexuality between the two of you. Is she aware that you masturbate? I’m curious what her thoughts are on it. I wonder if you would continue to masturbate if you knew it was hurting her, that it was damaging your marriage?

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